Running me down

[Loghanw01]

Hi
I’ve been married to my Husband for almost nine years and together for 18. We have four children together.
Over the last two years I’ve noticed how bad he is becoming at running me down.
To the point where I’ve recently bought a book a write everything down!
I feel like I can’t do anything right , every single little thing I do is criticised from washing up to cooking and everything is in between.
I often go to bed Feeling low and upset and lonely !
This evening I was moaned at for not washing the suds off the dishes before drying , moaned at for not wishing to purchase a new kettle.
I’ve tried to talk nicely and explain how this is making me feel and also how often it’s happening, I’m always met with how uptight I’ve become and how I can’t take a joke.
But after 18 years of putting up with this I don’t find it funny anymore, in fact I’m so sick and tired of it !
I feel so low, I’ve got to a point in my life where I just don’t think it’s fair anymore !
I’m called messy and untidy, fat and lazy, everytime the children do something wrong it’s always reverted back as my fault for not watching them or helping them.
Is there something I can do to mend this, am I doing something wrong?
I love him dearly and I have spent my whole adult life with him but I’m so unhappy and want him to understand without causing a blazing row each time I mention how his insults are hurting my feelings!

If you've told him how it makes you feel and he still does it then he's upsetting you on purpose. Do you really want to stay with someone who goes out of their way to make you miserable?

I love him dearly

What's to love? I ask that in all seriousness. He has zero respect for you and treats you appallingly. How can you love a man like that? Don't waste your time trying to explain how he hurts you because he just doesn't care. His intention is to hurt you.

It's really sad that you've told him how you feel and he wasn't upset. If my husband told me I was making him feel awful I would be devastated. He sounds like he's being really defensive and horrible. If he can't genuinely listen to you and respect what you're saying, then it doesn't seem like his behaviour will change. You deserve not to go to bed feeling low, upset, and lonely. And no one who loves you should be calling you fat and lazy. I'm sorry, OP, it's an awful way for you to be feeling xx

The problem is not whether you are any of these things, or whether there is any substance to the points he is making. He doesn't care about how the constant criticism makes you feel. He feels entitled to vent stress and frustration on you, which signals a fundamental lack of respect. Lack of respect for a partner kills relationships stone dead over time.

If you both want to stay together, he has to listen to you as a basic starting point. He has to view your feelings as important as his own.

Do you think he is capable of this?

From reading your post, he really does not sound very nice at all.

How old are the children? Have they started picking up on his disrespectful behaviour? Do they mimic him in criticism of you? How does he behave towards them?

So, has he always been like this, but has got worse over the past two years?
I don't see how that is an attractive way to behave toward someone at all.
Given that you have told him how upset you feel, and he carries on, he clearly doesn't care about you.
You could...
Continue to put up with the disrespectful attitude and rudeness
Pull him up on it every time
Ask him to show you how whatever it is you have done "wrong" should be done
Do the same to him
Tell him to leave

Thanks everyone for your kind replies
Our children are 13,10 and two 5 year old twins.
He’s always been this way I guess perhaps I’ve just finally started realising I don’t need this in my life and sitting back and thinking about how it makes me feel. It does eventually make you realise , two years ago I did speak nicely to him about it and he made a really great effort until one evening when we were out with friends we sat by a group of ladies and he told me he’d rather sit next to the lady opposite as she was far better looking than me !
My friend was so appalled by his behaviour she hasn’t spoken to us since ! She told me back then and of course... here we are years later ! History repeating itself!
The children in all honesty treat me with very little respect and I get told I’m too easy on them and that I need to act like a mother. My eldest is very close to me and picks up on my feelings sometimes and always tries to make me feel better. He has a good kind heart, but equally I don’t want him to think women should be treated like this!
The younger children are too young to pick up on anything .
I have tried after each time I’m put down to explain my feelings but I’m either met with a laughing attitude or a blazing row! Neither are healthy with our children in the house!
Going forward is just a big hard sticking point for me! Do I pull my big girl pants on and move out or do I try to really make this work and ask him for change!( I’ve tried before!) financially I’m ok to just walk away as I have a successful job and I don’t need to be worried about being on my own with the children.

I just feel fed up of putting this big happy face on to everyone all the time when deep down inside I’m so fed up!

why would you be with someone who thinks it is ok to insult you, hurt you, be mean to you in front of your children??

The person you are in a relationship with should be nicer to you than anyone else in your life - yes everyone else. He should love you more than anyone else and so not want to hurt you or insult you. He doesn't so why are you bothering with him. Get your stuff organised to leave and then the next time he says you are fat or stupid or wrong say "I agree. you deserve better. I kknow I do. My solicitor will be in touch. Do you want to to discuss whether we sell the house or I stay in it with the kids?"

I’m called messy and untidy, fat and lazy* apart from all the other crap, no one in my life speaks to me like that. And I don't speak to anyone like that either. I like/love the people in my life. You really deserve a better time. I imagine you'll feel such relief and freedom and a return of your self-esteem if you just get rid of him. And call that friend and tell her what is happening and ask for her support.

I’m so glad you are financially OK. You need to start planning to leave as he will never change and you deserve to be happy. 💐

Read Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that? Possibly the Mr Right type.

Could be him getting worse, could be you waking up to it.

Oh a no brainer. Out! No one gets to make you feel like this! What an utter tosser!

do I try to really make this work and ask him for change!( I’ve tried before!)

As you say, you already tried that and it didn't work, or he went back to his old ways. Time to break free. xxx

Run. Now. I did after 25 years and 3 dc, and I was nowhere near financially ok on my own, but will never regret my decision. I told my dh how he made me feel in the end, but it was clear he didn't give a shit about anyone except himself. My younger kids are 4 and 2, and I know that the 4 year old most certainly picked up on things. By the way, I was also constantly told that I was too easy on them, and to 'act like a parent', by which he presumably meant authoritarian, empathy-free and self-centred.

You know you can not be ground down for the rest of your life.
You say the children are unaware but I bet they are.
it's not a health environment
you need some pleasant supportive people around you to lift you up
escape to have a girls night out?
Escape full stop!

You know you can not be ground down for the rest of your life.
You say the children are unaware but I bet they are.
it's not a health environment
you need some pleasant supportive people around you to lift you up
escape to have a girls night out?
Escape full stop!

My exh used to do similar to me. I ended up with my confidence at rock bottom. It wasn't until after I left him that I realised though sadly. Sounds like you already know he won't change so I hope you find the courage to leave soon, I know its not always that easy 💐

@Loghanw01

My ex told me I "put too much food on the table" at dinner (I was feeding 7 of us! I shopped at the wrong places (not the right supermarket), didn't speak to the neighbours in the right way (too chatty), wore clothes that were 'not his style', didn't drive properly, didn't parent my kids correctly, spent too much money on them at Christmas (£70 each), that I shouldn't have got my hair cut as a treat when I graduated as a mature student, that because I had been self-employed for years I wouldn't 'make it' in an office environment - I am shocked even to write all this now!

The last straw was when he made my kids sit still on a chair for an hour for accidentally leaving a light on and 'running up the electric bill' - that's the level of criticism he reached. Luckily someone was a witness to that and I called Women's Aid and got out.

Go and read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and also Controlling People by the same author. I read them and the scales fell from my eyes.

I left, started a new life and yes, am now a single mum with 3 children, but I work full time and we have a happy, free, albeit chaotic household!

If I'm too tired to do the dishes either my kids to them or I leave them! I had two controlling and nit-picking relationships in a row (one 14 years, one 3 years) - believe me, it's not you, it's them, and I'm sorry to say he won't change, and it is harming your children to see him treat you like that - it is modelling completely wrong behaviour.

Just to add to that...it is a sad fact of life that if you behave like a doormat you get treated like a doormat.
Lesson is...disregard the passive aggressive socialisation women experience as a gender and develop and practise your inner warrior.
Liberating.

You say that you love him but the big question is does he love you.
I don't think he does otherwise he would listen to you and change his behaviour.
You deserve better. Pull up those big girl pants and get your and your childrens life back. Leave him behind.
He does not deserve any respect from you or the children if that's how he treats his wife and the mother of his children.

I'm sorry but what is to love about how he treats you. I get that you have children together and have been together a long time but this is no way to be treated!

The younger children are too young to pick up on anything.

You are sadly completely wrong about this. Children see and take in everything.

What they all said.......

My bloke never ever says anything like this. If he did it would be a shock. There is no need for anyone to put another human being down in this way and yes - your children will be absorbing all of this.

This is dreadful OP. Please tell him to fuck right off. You sound pretty nice, why should you guys have to leave because he can't behave himself?
No more chances or counselling, do it for your kids if not for you.
Glad to hear you dont rely on him financially although I hope he'll have to pay child maintenance.

I'll bet your kids aren't too little to pick up on how he acts towards you. It's not a healthy relationship to be modelling for them.