I've done wrong by him...

[jasminepeony]

I've been feeling really guilty for a while so I've come here to get it off my chest.

I haven't done right by him. I've been with him for 2 years and I lately I've been non-stop worrying that I've wasted part of his life. I don't feel like I've been a very good girlfriend. He has been so loyal and loving towards me without failure, yet I don't feel like I've treated him with the same kindness. I have tried, but I just get so self-absorbed at times and brood over my problems that I forget to put him first.

I haven't cheated, but I've thought about what it would be like to date other men (especially in the first year of our relationship). I guess that's emotional cheating? I've also had doubts if I really loved him. It comes in waves; some days I feel like I love him, some days I'm not so sure. I can never make up my mind and it's not fair on him.

He doesn't deserve to be with someone who will not give him 100% effort. Lately, I've been really trying to be good to him but I feel like I'll always be up and down, I'll never be consistent like he is. He knows he wants me for the rest of his life. I don't know what I want to do tomorrow. I wish I had his confidence. I wish I didn't worry about us all the time.

I've thought about what it would be like to date other men (especially in the first year of our relationship)

Nobody should feel like that in the first year of a relationship. This is the time you’re supposed to be totally in love and besotted etc.
You’re with the wrong guy and you need to end it. Not fair to either of you otherwise.

If your unsure then it's not right, even if he's lovely and kind it's not the right reason to settle with someone you don't love. If you say you've not been a good girlfriend then he's probably feeling there is something wrong too, it's not fair on both of you, no point in wasting time, I'd finish it.

I just got so confused during the first year, because I had just left a highly toxic relationship and everyone was telling me love was meant to be fireworks and intense passion and butterflies constantly, and I didn't feel that... I felt more of a mellow content feeling with him, like I was finally safe and I could finally be myself around someone.
The only people I've ever felt that intense, all-consuming love for were men who were very bad for me and who would string me along/abuse me. I now don't think that was love, but just lust, and I thought that maybe the low-key content warm feeling with my partner was love instead. He's been my rock and he's been someone I feel completely myself with. But as a highly anxious person that was never enough for me to stop worrying.

I think you need to be honest about your feelings. It sounds like you're not in love with him although you probably respect and trust him. It's not a reason to stay though. You say you got with him on the back of a toxic abusive relationship. Someone who is the opposite to what you have just experienced can feel like a really good remedy at the time. It's only as time goes by you realise you probably still have some residual issues from your previous relationship gnawing away at you.

If I was you I would set this man free. Work on those issues you have and if you are both still interested in the future maybe give it another shot. Good luck x

Thanks for your advice. I've been in therapy trying deal with the abuse I've received in the past and my boyfriend is being incredibly supportive. It's just weird because when we were finally able to see each other after lockdown had been lifted I never felt more in love with him and things have been really good between us ever since. We have very deep intimacy and passion so all the pieces seem right. I feel very sure about him now but obviously I'm very scared my anxiety may come into play again and doubts will come back.

Sometimes I worry that the only reason I feel so anxious is because I don't love myself enough. Whenever I'm happy with myself or I've had a great day I feel like I can love him completely, but that happy place is something I don't feel often. That's why I'm in therapy.

Craving the adrenaline rush of toxic and abusive relationships can make an absolutely great relationship feel like there's something missing.

There is something missing - no anxiety, no fear, no doubt or worry.

Maybe you just haven't quite realised that yet?

I always think the idea of promising to love someone forever is a bit of an odd one, how can we possibly know?

I wonder if you can explore with your therapist whether it is this relationship with this person or your anxiety which is where the problem lies? It sounds like you've got a lot of good stuff in the relationship. But also, what does your gut feeling say?

You need to let him go, as hard as it is. WORK ON YOURSELF!

I would just add you saying "finally safe" he's your rock and you can be yourself with him all sound like really brilliant and valuable things, I think you are a good person, you clearly care that you might have wasted his time but you wouldn't be worried about this if you didn't care about him. I don't know, only you can really know.

I guess my thoughts are you've obviously had a really tough time and it must be hard to work out your feelings in this relatively new and different relationship. Be a shame to leave it if it wasn't that which was the issue. Maybe in time you'll find clarity with it all I hope you do.

(FWIW maybe I'm biased because I was in a relationship weighted in the way you say and I stayed in it and it got better and better as the years went on. But obviously that's not always the case and we are different people! ) I'll stop chatting about this now! 😁

You are putting massive pressure on yourself OP to be in a successful relationship.

Sounds to me like you need to be on your own and give yourself time to heal.

You can't force yourself to be an adoring, loving partner.

You feel it or you don't.

Try going easy on yourself.

"You feel it or you don't" -- this is just hard for me to get my head around because my feelings are not that stable. Some days I feel certain, I feel happy, I feel right where I want to be, and other days I feel scared, uncertain, like I've made a mistake, like I'm a fake.

"I stayed in it and it got better and better as the years went on" -- that is really nice to hear willowtree81. I've been told by many people that if you don't feel it right at the start then it's only going to get worse, but I can't help but feel like certain things in our relationship are getting better. I do still have anxieties now but they're nothing to what they were at the start.

I do care about him very much, and I think I've had to learn a different kind of love during this relationship, one that is relatively stable and grounded and one I've had to put a lot of conscious effort into.

I know a lot of you are saying 'let him go' but I'm scared to hurt him and hurt myself and then realise I've made a mistake. I make him so happy and he makes me feel so worthy and loveable whenever he's around me. I just get these doubts and fears during the times life gets a little tough or he's gone away for a while and I wish I could stop them.

I've thought about what it would be like to date other men (especially in the first year of our relationship). I guess that's emotional cheating? I've also had doubts if I really loved him.

That isn't emotional cheating. You were getting to know him.

I cannot know whether this will be right for you and for him long term, but I would say, don't let random people on the internet talk you into abruptly ending a relationship if it feels healthy and feels good to you most of the time, and also seems to feel good to him most of the time, especially if the less good moments are not toxic.

No relationship is perfect bliss all of the time.

@jasminepeony

You don't owe him a relationship just because he's good to you (though it's great that he is) but have you read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood? She deals with exactly what you're describing - how the ecstasy/agony cycle of toxic love affairs can be addictive and how the calm, strong, secure feeling of mature love can seem boring in comparison. And how when you have experienced that addictive cycle with one or more partners, it can take a really conscious effort to be excited by someone who makes themselves available to you in a calm, consistent and loving manner. After all - where are the drama/the fireworks/the tension in that situation? But it can be done. And it is most definitely worth it. I think you might find that book helpful and very relevant to you.

Have you had any periods of being single? How do your feelings compare to then?