History of bullying and DH attitude

[Bombsandbruisers]

Several years ago I was bullied out of my job by a male and female colleague at work. They were known as a bit of a comedy duo, well-liked, but domineering at the same time.

DH worked there too and he still works there. Initially, when DH finally saw the bullying for himself, he stop socialising with them and mostly blanked them before just working with them politely on a civil basis.

I moved on and have a happier worklife now.

DH, however has since moved on himself and has begun having jokes and fun again with the comedy duo. I only know this because he keeps on talking about them. I eventually told him that whilst it's up to him whether he wants to chat and socialise with them, I just don't want to hear about them and their jokes.. I've moved on, but they represent a difficult and sore point in my life. They were so popular that when I eventually called them out on their behaviour and spoke to our boss, I was alienated by many other colleagues.

I have explained this to DH, who says it is now time I moved on. This has upset me as I've completely moved on, I just don't want to hear about 2 people who caused me a great deal of distress, particularly as I was also pregnant at the time. I have no wish to discuse them or hear about what they've been up to. Instead, I hear DHs now regular updates of what they've been up to, where they're going on holiday and their latest practical jokes.
😥

What can I say to him to make him see my point?

I think all you can do is keep saying 'I don't want to hear about it' if he brings them up, and if you find that's not enough then leave the room as you say it.

You're feelings are perfectly valid BTW and I would say normal.

Society pressurizes people to 'get over' things, but having emotions based on unpleasant events, unless it's to the extent you're constantly traumatised, is normal/not a bad sign.

Your husband sounds like a pretty unpleasant character himself.... wanting to befriend two people who bullied his wife out of her job? 🤨
What a total arse. I’d be pointing out that by now supporting their behaviour and constantly seeking to talk about them to you, he is sending a message to you that he condones what they did, and you have a right not to hear about them and relive that time in your own home.

I’d stop him dead every time he mentions their name - why does he even feel the need to do this other than to make you feel like shit?

Every time he started talking about them, I'd be saying, 'stop right there, I've told you before I'm not interested in hearing about them, so please stop trying to tell me about them'. And then pointedly ignoring anything further that he said, pointedly changing the subject. Moving off if he continued to try and do so.

Ask him what he gets out of repeatedly reminding you of a painful period in your life, and how would he like it if you did the same about a similar sore spot for him?

Oh, I sympathise totally, bullying can be deeply wounding, and to lose your job through it is deeply traumatic. I have experience where a relative was bullied out of their job so I did a lot if reading on it at the time. I think if you haven't had counselling then you should consider it. It is a very difficult thing.

I think you have to explain the situation , maybe in a letter, to your husband. Explain how it damaged your self esteem, your belief in the right thing happening, your belief that people had your back. You felt scared, insecure, you lost confidence.... I hope he listens. Tell him what your asking, that he not trigger you by talking about them, is reasonable. We can move on from things and still be triggered by words or events, all your asking for is a bit of kindness and consideration.

I'm glad your happier now, I really am.

I don't think he's doing it to be nasty, he's just lacking tact. I spoke to him about this a year or two ago and he stopped it, but it seems to have crept back in again.
Perhaps it hasn't helped that when DH makes fun of them, usually for their arrogant SM updates, I don't mind joining in with that and laughing with DH at their expense. But the little snippets of information he's been giving lately are definitely warmer towards them which I'm finding more difficult.

I suppose I can't have it all ways.

Suggest if he wants to be one of The Twat Brigade he can go live elsewhere and be one...

I think i know the type of person you mean. The type to use humour aggressively to belittle people? The trouble with bullies is they tend to target a particular person as if they did it to everyone then they'd be unpopular. As they only target one person the others don't always realise what's going on. I wonder who they are targetting now!

Is your husband thick OP?

Because he certainly sounds like it.

You had to move job because they were so unpleasant and while you were pregnant and your husband thinks you need to move on.

Is he always so dismissive of you?

I would think this is very hurtful and would be damaging to a marriage.

Your husband sounds not terribly nice.

YANBU to think you are married to a twat.

Good luck OP

He sounds very unsupportive OP. Are you sure you want to be married to somebody this selfish/thoughtless?

Part of the trouble us that you are willing to take the piss out of them with your dh. You need to completely disengage from all discussions around them I think.

I don't think I could resist commenting:

'Doesn't it make you feel a bit weird with them though... Just imagine how they must laugh at you behind your back - I mean, they bullied your wife out of her job and now they're watching you sucking up to them again - bloody hell, they must really think you're a worm. I dread to think what they say about you when you're not there and to their other friends. Bet they have a right old laugh at you being desperate and a pushover - urgh, I can imagine.'

That might make him think. Because 100% that is what they will be doing.

@LuluBellaBlue

I’d stop him dead every time he mentions their name - why does he even feel the need to do this other than to make you feel like shit?

This.

What can I say to him to make him see my point?

Point out that continuing to do something that causes you distress and which you have specifically asked him not to do is a form of abuse, and ask him is that why he is once again all pally with them, because at heart he is also a bully?

I'm sure that would start a huge argument but he sounds thick enough that you won't get through to him without saying something along those lines.

Your not so Dear H is how these types get away with such behaviour. Lacking tact is putting it mildly, he’s essentially prioritising a relationship with them and doesn’t mind reminding you that is his choice.

Wot @fizzygreenwater said, that nails it.

Is he enjoying being part of the 'in crowd'.

Word for word @FizzyGreenWater

Sounds like he is actually becoming one of them...
And enjoying it..

What @FizzyGreenWater said

Yes, he definitely likes being part of the in-crowd. He also has a very short memory.
Completely tactless.
He almost brought one of them up again yesterday and I said "no. Stop there. Don't tell me any more." He went a bit red and said "oh, oh , yeh, sorry."

He's always gossiping about other people generally. It's like he can't help himself, but I have to say, I'm surprised he keeps trying to talk about these people to me.
I find it hard just listening to elaborate descriptions of his work days tbh, I loved my job and still feel sad that I just had to leave.

You are making too many excuses for him. Short memory, lacking in tact etc. Surely no one is this thick. He is doing it intentionally. Stop excusing him. Sounds like he gets a secret thrill from upsetting you. I would be very very upset if I were you.