Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to possibly get past this?

18 replies

lockdownmadness · 09/07/2020 07:57

So I have been dating a guy for 6 weeks. We went to school together although didnt really know each other and are now both mid 40s. Both separated from our kids dad/mum around 12 years ago. We have both had relationships since. It seems we are on the same page in terms of what we want, to have a long lasting loving relationship. Things have been going really well. We have had dates, bike rides, walks, video calls. Lots of talking. I dont feel we have rushed but feelings came about quite quickly and he has said he is falling for me.
So, I'm scared. He has told me about him 'cheapening' himself. I havent asked too much but he has admitted he has had a lot of relationships/played the field.
I'm just scared I become part of this pattern of his, however he has said he wants to reassure me in all ways he sees us going somewhere. I have also been out there myself but perhaps not to the extent he has. Would you just accept this has happened and just enjoy what we have or do you see it as a red flag? He has been consistent so far and not given me any reason to doubt him.

OP posts:
Nihiloxica · 09/07/2020 08:02

"Cheapening" himself?

Hmm

I couldn't get over that phrase.

gamerchick · 09/07/2020 08:19

I dont think it would bother me. Every relationship is different.

STI screens before losing condoms though. But that's standard for every new relationship.

BurtsBeesKnees · 09/07/2020 08:24

It wouldn't bother me, tbh I did a fair amount of 'cheapening' before settling down into a relationship. The only thing I'd be careful about is that he had an std check before having unprotected sex

(By the way 'cheapening' Hmm that phrase makes me a bit ick)

Original poster
lockdownmadness · 09/07/2020 08:59

Yes I'm.not keen on the phrase either. He has been tested. I know, everyone has a past and so have I but i.dont want to feel threatened. Hes gorgeous, makes my heart skip a beat but I see it as a relationship and not sure I really want to know the extent of what he has done. Do I bring anything up? or just leave it. I dont want to ruin what we have

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/07/2020 09:07

I'd be more put off by his description than by his past. A person can have multiple partners and later want to settle down. Describing having multiple partners as "cheap" is weird if you've enjoyed doing that yourself - would make me think that he was faking regret, or had issues.

Jennifer2r · 09/07/2020 09:09

Two things

One is that cheapening is an odd phrase. I've had lots of random sex I wouldn't refer to it as that and I wouldn't think I needed to 'confess' it to a new partner. I'd be asking what does he mean exactly. Is he trying to prepare you for a big reveal?

Two is that you're 'scared'. Don't be scared. This is the right time to be critical and to trust your instincts. If you find out something about him that you don't like or is a deal breaker, now is the absolute best time for that to come out. Don't be scared, be brave and confident.

category12 · 09/07/2020 09:09

I'd be concerned that he's either telling you he has fucked up ideas about sex (which usually translates into sexual problems once he's got you locked in) or that he's telling you he's a player, so when he's unfaithful down the line he can remind you that you knew what he was like.

I'd keep a wary eye on his sexual attitudes.

Jennifer2r · 09/07/2020 09:11

Do not be scared to ruin what you have. If you only have it because he's different from who you thought he was then you don't really 'have' it anyway it's an illusion. Much better now than in two years time. Follow your gut - ask the questions.

category12 · 09/07/2020 09:11

But you need to stop and ask yourself, if it's only six weeks, why are you focused on "getting past" potential red flags instead of heeding them and moving on from him?

category12 · 09/07/2020 09:36

What I mean is, it doesn't have to be insta-dump, but it's important you register red flags and go on alert, not expend your efforts on trying to look past them.

I mean, if you were starting out on a rope bridge, it wouldn't be wise to step over rotting planks, you'd consider going back instead, right?

Original poster
lockdownmadness · 09/07/2020 09:57

Absolutely get everything you're saying - thank you. I guess what I mean by getting past it, is I'd like this to work. However, I'm very cautious. So I will keep note of that red flag and ask what he means by 'cheapened himself'. Maybe it is because morally he has done things that dont fit with his values. I know I have.
It was feeling very blissful but now I'm worried. I guess this is perhaps part and parcel at the beginning. If I dont try I dont know but I will cautiously move forward for now I think. @category12 you're absolutely right and I like that analogy

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 09/07/2020 12:00

It sounds like you are looking way too deeply into this. Just relax and enjoy it. As for feeling threatened because he's good looking, start to see your own worth. I'm sure you are an attractive, strong, kind, friendly (put your own words in here) woman, stop being insecure and start to value yourself more. He's lucky to have you because you are you, not the other way round

chubbyhotchoc · 09/07/2020 13:05

Overthinking. 6 weeks is nothing. You're just dating.

Original poster
lockdownmadness · 09/07/2020 13:53

Thank you. Yes I'm overthinking arent I. Easier said than done following some experiences I've had. @BurtsBeesKnees. Yes I need to know my own worth and have more confidence. I'm very out of practice. We have a date tomorrow, I'm cooking so I hope it goes well. I'm just going to ease off a bit and concentrate on other things.
It's so lovely to have some company in these times. I havent dated for 2 years.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 09/07/2020 14:07

Just a note of caution. Don't allow all your dates to become him coming to yours for a home cooked meal then bed. Remember, you're only 6 weeks in - he needs to put effort into keeping you interested. Value yourself.

Original poster
lockdownmadness · 09/07/2020 14:11

@TwentyViginti..yes this has crossed my mind. I'm trying to navigate this the best I can. I don't want to play games but he does need to make effort. He has offered to cook too and he has brought me a plant and fixed my bike. So he is putting effort in and I think me relaxing and easing off might help

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 09/07/2020 14:15

Ah, good. Have fun!

overlooker · 09/07/2020 14:46

Meh. None of what he said would bother me. Think he meant to convey that he feels lots of one night stands made him feel crappy and he’s trying to tell you that and reassure you that he doesn’t see you that way. You’re both mid 40s. Lots of past. I’m a totally different person from my 20s, 30s etc...think you need to take a deep breath and look forward. Stop raking over the past with him. No more past conversation. Just enjoy his company. If he starts to behave like a twat then deal with that when/if it happens. You’re overthinking

New posts on this thread. Refresh page