Staying together for the kids - can it work?

[nothappyatall]

My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years, We have two kids, 7 and 2.

We have always had a very tempestuous relationship - we have tried counselling several times, but it never seemed to help. About a year ago, when we were both under a lot of pressure, things got worse; mainly, this was because I got horribly drunk one night (I have had a lot of alcohol problems), but a lot of other underlying issues were involved. I don't want to list it all, because even agreeing who did what last summer is contested. The net result, though, was that my wife said she thought we should split up, but stay living in the same house for the kids.

I hate this arrangement. I am only here, because I really can't stand the thought of living apart from the kids. I have tried every possible thing I can think of to try to rekindle a relationship again, but nothing works. I have suggested that we go to a counsellor to talk about how we might make this set-up work, but my wife refuses to do that. The end result is that I feel absolutely miserable and resentful, none of which is actually making this good for the kids.

I know I've missed out a lot of detail, but does anyone know if this kind of "staying together for the kids" can be made to work? I know it's a cliché of something that doesn't work, but is there some way of making it successful?

Unfortunately, From reading threads on here I would say the answer is no. People who say they have been unhappy for 20/25/30 years and in the end still end up leaving. So why waste your life if the outcome will be the same one day? There will always be something, in 20 years time there will be grandchildren and you may think ahh well we can’t split up because of them etc. It seems the longer people live like
This the more resentment etc grows and becomes obvious to other people. If your both unhappy, have been for a while, have tried all the options out there including couples counselling, there’s not much left to do. Nobody can say you both haven’t tried. Children are not stupid, They will start to pick up on how you are together, how you don’t act like their friends parents or family members who are in couples etc. My parents separated when I was young and I was perfectly happy having 2 homes, 2 families to love me, and my parents being happy.

Kids prefer to come from a broken home than to live in one
Never stay together for the kids
If your happy and their mom is happy albeit you both not being together
That's what's best for the kids in my honest opinion
Hope it works out for you all
Be brave
Life really is too short ............

Giving a relationship another chance for the sake of the kids can work - it did for us years ago and we are still together. But living in the same house whilst formally separated from someone who you have been with for such a long time sounds a nightmare. Your ex could be setting you up to take the blame when you finally go, she may tell the kids she wanted you to stay and you refused. Your kids are too young to understand the subleties of this situation and it leaves you in a difficult position. But if she is unwilling to give the relationship another try then you will ultimately have to go.

Thank you for your helpful comments, although they are a bit depressing.

I can see that if nothing has worked, then we should end it, but I guess I feel that we haven't really tried everything to make it work. What I think doesn't matter, though, I guess, because my wife is unwilling to try. Maybe I should just accept the inevitable.

Thanks to @Iloveme30 for saying about the kids - I do worry that I'm not here because I want it to be ok for them, but more because I don't want to live away from them. I really find the smiles on their face as we cuddle up to read a book or watch a cartoon feel like the best thing in my life. I don't want to end up making them miserable just so I can get that happiness, though

Maybe your wife will be willing to try if she sees that you are taking steps to deal with your issues first.

You have mentioned alcohol. If you have an issue with drinking and gave done so for some time, then it is highly likely that none of of the other problems can be dealt with until this has.

Sadly if it's gone on for years, it is likely that it would take many months if not years before she could trust you again even if you stop drinking tomorrow.

It would be a big investment and risk to take although ultimately even if it didn't bring your wife back, it would still leave you a better person moving on.

I definitely think it's much easier to call it a day when the kids are young enough to adapt, the longer you leave it the harder it would be. Many families can co parent very well. I don't think living under the same roof is healthy and it's unfair on both of you, not to mention confusing for the children as they grow up. Life's to short, if your both certain the relationship is over you need to address it x

What else can be tried realistically?. You cannot carry what is a marriage that should now be at an end on your own.

You have to be apart from your kids sometimes and you cannot make them the be all for your own existence. That is not healthy for you or them.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together for what are really your own reasons. Many people are truly afraid to move on with their own lives using the children as a mask to cover financial concerns or fear about moving on. Whose sake therefore would you be staying for; theirs or really yours?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children need to learn positive and life affirming lessons about relationships; staying together for the sake of the children places upon them a heavy burden, the knowledge that their parents stayed together because of them. They are not unaware and they will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken. They could also accuse you of putting your wife before them. Its not therefore a legacy you at all want to leave them.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I believe - if there is no abuse - to stay together for the children. Obviously it’s difficult to judge people’s specific circumstances. I don’t agree that most children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. I think most children would want to see their parents do everything in their power to stay together. If alcohol is a trigger, then seek help for this or carefully monitor your drinking. I think once you have children, your decision making must have their needs as the upmost priority.

Are you still drinking?

I have never known a case (and I have examples in my own family) where "staying together for the children's sake" didn't result in serious unhappiness for all concerned - adults and children.

I come from a family where my parents stayed together for the kids. I hated it, I picked up on all the bickering and arguing that went on forever. I used to cry in my bed just wanting them to divorce. It was horrible and has affected my entire life around relationships. Please consider a mutual separation. Get to grips with your alcohol and both of you can then be the best and most loving co parents you can be.

It’s hard to tell what’s going on here with all the missing detail but it sounds like you did something last year that crossed a line for your wife and she now considers your relationship over, while what you would actually prefer is to rekindle things. Is that right? But she is so checked out that she won’t consider a future with you or even discuss the current situation in counselling?

If that is correct I’d set the relationship issues to one side for now and focus on what changes you need to make on yourself. Do you need to stop drinking? Would solo counselling help? Once you are actively taking these steps you will be in a better position to speak to your wife about the current untenable situation between you. At that point you can jointly decide whether to work on the relationship or separate.

Thanks to everyone - all of this is very helpful, especially as I haven't talked to anyone at all about any of this.

On the drinking, yes, I've stopped drinking. I don't think that is likely to make much difference, though - there was a lot of other stuff going on on both sides of the relationship (I really don't want to write it all down, because I'm worried it will make it seem as if I'm just complaining about my wife). I did get very drunk early last summer, but that wasn't what actually caused my wife to say she wanted to split - that was after a fight a good three months later, during which time I had been teetotal. (Of course, maybe the getting drunk was really the underlying cause, but I think the puzzle is more complicated).

I think that @DorotheaHomeAlone sums it up really well - it's as if my wife has checked out. But it was a bit like that before last summer, and I thought it was about all the other stresses in her life (small child, tricky work situation, house moving). So, it's really difficult to predict what might be possible. I don't want to just leave in case there is some hope, but I'm also aware that maybe I'm just hiding other fears - about money, about being lonely - under this.