Would you/ Do you/ Have you knowingly date a man with depression?

[stillvsparkling]

Can you advise? Is it too hard? Thank you.

[GreenPlum]

I've suffered from depression in the past and I've never mistreated anybody.
Exh is undiagnosed bipolar and also an arsehole. He is now using depression as an excuse for being an arsehole.
The guy you're describing is an arsehole. His depression is incidental. Walk away.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Run.

Or waste your life and happiness sacrificing yourself to an angry, self absorbed man.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

The responses here are some of the reasons why people with depression or mental health difficulties don't seek help. The media is all about seeking help, telling someone, not killing yourself, and then there is the reality, expressed here, that depression is such an ugly disease that noone wants to even date a person who is depressed.

Sure. Would you feel the same if your friend said that they've just met a nice guy, but he's severely physically disabled to a point where there will be times where she will likely need to be a main carer as well as main earner and childcarer, will mean he cannot join in or engage properly with social activities, travel or just hanging out in the evening and may cause him to be emotionally unavailable or potentially very angry (people on MN love to say that men who are depressed and act this way are abusive not angry, but it's a very common symptom of depression, particularly in men and even ones who didn't feel that way before) for an extended period?

My DH has required physical care and it was hard but fine. Severe depression nearly broke us, it's nothing like the low grade down that some people see it as here. If it develops after you're together, that's fine, but I couldn't in good faith encourage any friend or family member to start a relationship with someone who was in denial of severe depression. It's an awful illness for the sufferer, but also one, like addiction, that can easily ruin the lives of a whole family.

[PumpkinP]

The responses here are some of the reasons why people with depression or mental health difficulties don't seek help. The media is all about seeking help, telling someone, not killing yourself, and then there is the reality, expressed here, that depression is such an ugly disease that noone wants to even date a person who is depressed.

Where do you draw the line then? My ex has schizophrenia as I posted about, would you say the same if someone didn’t want to date him? He has been sectioned a couple of times and use to accuse me of all sorts of strange things, so if it’s wrong to not want to date someone with depression then it’s wrong to not want to date someone with any mental health issue? People are allowed to have deal breakers. I really wish I hadn’t got involved but I didn’t know when I first met him as he didn’t tell me! I found out much later down the line, Atleast this man has been open with the op so she can decide for her self whether she wants to get involved or not.

[EmbarrassingAdmissions]

The responses here are some of the reasons why people with depression or mental health difficulties don't seek help.

Or, the responses here are in line with the experience that MNetters have of:
growing up in a family where one or more members were living with depression;
relationships with people who are living with depression.

There are substantial differences between people with depression and those who use depression as a cover for poor behaviour or unwillingness to accept the responsibilities of being an adult. Engaging with MH services and seeking help are the actions of an adult and to be admired.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

There are also different levels of depression. I know people with what I'd call mild depression, which is managed by regular medication and looking after themselves but then of course, there are more severe cases as some have mentioned on here where the depression is so severe it ruins relationships and lives.

I don't think it's fair to assume all people with depression fit into the latter category or will at some point.

[sticksstonessand]

I don't think there is a yes / no answer to your title. Depression comes in different forms and people deal with it in different ways. You need to judge the person as a whole. I have a friend with depression who I wouldn't hesitate to recommend as a potential date and an ex friend with depression who I think all women should avoid like the plague because his depression makes him an awful boyfriend.

op your description of this guy makes him sound like someone who is not dealing with his depression very well and you should probably steer clear of him.

[sticksstonessand]

Cross post with sunshineandflipflops. I think we are both saying the same thing.

[stillvsparkling]

Thanks.
His depression is possibly mild and reactive.
He has had episodes of irrational
Anger to the point of pushing others away, being difficult, awkward and stubborn where he won't even think about helping himself, rudeness, bluntness, he wants to sleep all the time and is eating a reduced diet. He has all but cut close people out of his life and despite what is going on in others lives eg their own problems, he just down not care.He doesn't not answer his door or even read messages of support.He is completely self absorbed and feels the world is against him at each turn. I expect that he is quite depressed? Or would you think that there are behavioural characteristics at play here too? The funny thing is.. before this episode he was kind, funny, relaxed and lots of lovely
Things. Is this actually who he is or can depression change someone to be so unrecognisable ?

[candycane222]

It would seem to be part of who he is, yes. And you are allowed not to want to date someone who accepts that in themself. If he was a decent person he'd be concerned about the impactton others and try everything possible not to have his distress impact on you. When I have had mh issues I worked ducking hard to minimise the impact on others, however mich I was hating myself and indeed, even having others in my life at the time.

Posters saying this is about prejudice against mh problems are missing the point - perhaps you should have phrased the thread title differently. "Would you date someone who becomes nasty when his mh issues flare up but despite the effect on me and others, is still not doing all they can to control their illness?"

[BertiesLanding]

@stillvsparkling

Thanks.
His depression is possibly mild and reactive.
He has had episodes of irrational
Anger to the point of pushing others away, being difficult, awkward and stubborn where he won't even think about helping himself, rudeness, bluntness, he wants to sleep all the time and is eating a reduced diet. He has all but cut close people out of his life and despite what is going on in others lives eg their own problems, he just down not care.He doesn't not answer his door or even read messages of support.He is completely self absorbed and feels the world is against him at each turn. I expect that he is quite depressed? Or would you think that there are behavioural characteristics at play here too? The funny thing is.. before this episode he was kind, funny, relaxed and lots of lovely
Things. Is this actually who he is or can depression change someone to be so unrecognisable ?

You are very involved in his pathology; your intellectualising suggests that you are trying to rationalise something - to us and to yourself.

I think that secretly you want to help or save him.

Disaster will ensue.

[stillvsparkling]

I am a HCP. So maybe that's ehy it came across as intellectualising or knowing his pathology.
Having read all replies, I won't be dating him
Or starting a relationship.
I am a fixer and Inwould find it hard not to become too involved and I think we all
Deserve happiness and excitement at the beginning of dating or a relationship.

[aw1459]

He doesn't sound like he should be dating anyone at the moment. As pp have said, you can't fix or rescue him.

I don't think all people with depression are undateable but this guy seems to have some serious issues going on. Maybe the kind, funny relaxed guy will come back but i'm not sure why you would want to date someone who is currently rude, blunt and self-absorbed. And i also wouldn't want to take the risk that this quite frequent behaviour if he won't take ADs or get counselling. I would find someone with less potential issues to date.

[stillvsparkling]

I agree. Rereading all the posts has signalled that these traits may be more about his hidden personality magnified by depression. I certainly do not have the emotional
Reserves to deal with his challenges when he doesn't want to deal with them himself .
I can be a friend from afar if he allows
Me to do that.

[honeyandbee12]

I'm a bit late to add to this post but yeh ho. It really depends on the circumstances. Some people are just going through a really crap time and relentless experiences that it all becomes too much. We all suffer at some point in our lives so yes it depends on circumstances.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@stillvsparkling

Really interesting replies.Thanks.
His behaviour is mostly of anger and falling out with people while also being practically non responsive to shoes of care and concern. He retreats from society and every one who loves him.
He refuses therapy or meds and feels
He can plough through it himself.
Not a good idea is it?

No, it's a very stupid idea.

In fact, no, I wouldn't knowingly date a man with depression, but in his case, HELL to the now.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@PumpkinP

The responses here are some of the reasons why people with depression or mental health difficulties don't seek help. The media is all about seeking help, telling someone, not killing yourself, and then there is the reality, expressed here, that depression is such an ugly disease that noone wants to even date a person who is depressed.

Where do you draw the line then? My ex has schizophrenia as I posted about, would you say the same if someone didn’t want to date him? He has been sectioned a couple of times and use to accuse me of all sorts of strange things, so if it’s wrong to not want to date someone with depression then it’s wrong to not want to date someone with any mental health issue? People are allowed to have deal breakers. I really wish I hadn’t got involved but I didn’t know when I first met him as he didn’t tell me! I found out much later down the line, Atleast this man has been open with the op so she can decide for her self whether she wants to get involved or not.

This. EVERYONE is allowed to have dealbreakers, whatever they want - Arsenal supporter, doesn't like indoor plants, laughs like a drain - whatever. No one is owed a relationship and it's entirely separate from seeking professional help for one's health.

[Nicolastuffedone]

No…

[BrozTito]

Id be very careful. Since this whole openess around MH thing began i've seen so many men use depression as a long running excse for being a scumbag, usually undiagnosed. If they were stable and on medication for a while I wouldnt care though

[starrynight21]

@TwentyViginti

People with depression can be selfish, knowingly or unknowingly, and can be very hard work. They are not really in a good place to date, unless the depression is properly treated via meds or therapy.

Many many threads on here by people who have partners who use their depression as an excuse for some awful behaviour.

This ^

I've known a few people with depression and it's hard work just being friends. To be a partner, living with it day in and day out, no I wouldn't consider it.

[Malena77]

No. There’s a massive difference between a person who may experience depressive episodes but takes full responsibility for managing them (therapy, medication, lifestyle), is self aware and understands the impact of the illness on others. Then we people who use depression as an excuse for: neglecting their partner’s needs, selfish choices, never ending complaining and being stuck in a victim mode, demands to constantly be the centre of attention - the list goes on! It’s hell on earth for partner who is constantly guilted into showing understanding and support.
You are not supposed to be your partner’s therapist, carer or mother.
Run OP and don’t feel guilty about it.

[Sideorderofchips]

Yes. I married a man who I knew had depression as did i

His way of dealing with it was when he didn't get the sympathy he thought he deserved off me and family (even though we all wanted him to get help and were trying to support him) he decided to go and sleep with someone else he thought gave him better sympathy

[NoBetterthanSheShouldBe]

I married a man with low-level depression. He would not ask for medical help - prescription or therapy - and used it as an excuse to be an arse. I suspect he also sought better sympathy from young female work colleagues, but I didn’t check up.

[gonnabeok]

OP I'm sorry to say this but run a mile! I have just ended a 15 year relationship with someone who had depression. I stupidly thought I could help them. It is a cruel illness and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, BUT medication sometimes DOES not always work and if they don't want to seek help don't sentence yourself to misery!

I had years of living on eggshells, him having a short fuse, not knowing what mood he would wake up in or who he would upset at work or otherwise. Days where he slept a lot, didn't want to engage at all in family life. I did everything which was exhausting. My dd never knew what mood he was in. I had to tell her about his diagnosis when she was older.

He never told me he had problems when we first met. He masked it. If I had known from the outset I would never have entered into the relationship. I am so glad I'm free of it and I'm so much happier, so is my dd to be honest.....

[Colourmeclear]

He needs professional support from a third party if he actually wants to make changes to his life. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or thinks that acting out is effective form of communication.

I was very unwell, in a hospital for 8 months around 18 months into my current relationship. My partner (now together for 10 years) told me that if I became that unwell again he didn't know if he could stay. It hurt but I respected him for that and it's been a big factor in making sure I am managing my condition both physically and mentally.