Would you/ Do you/ Have you knowingly date a man with depression?

[stillvsparkling]

Can you advise? Is it too hard? Thank you.

[TheVeryHungryTortoise]

I'm really suprised at the responses on here! Anyone could potentially suffer from a period of depression, it's so common in our society. I wouldn't rule someone out because of any health condition, mental or physical. I would, however, rule someone out for a history of uncontrolled anger. The two are most definitely not symbiotic, and depression is not an excuse for anger. In fact, I have found that many of those who suffer with their mental health tend to be a lot more sensitive and aware of the emotions of those around them. You can have a very caring, loving relationship with someone who suffers with depression and I certainly wouldn't call them "selfish" --my fiance and a couple of friends have depression and I have always felt content in those relationships!

[Drogonssmile]

Seen your update and no that does not sound like a good idea.

[Oly4]

Read your update and no it’s not a good idea. My DH ha depression but is on ADs and accepts that he needs them to keep on an even keel.
He’s a fabulous partner and father. But I wouldn’t tolerate it if he had refused therapy/meds

[DisobedientHamster]

@stillvsparkling

Really interesting replies.Thanks.
His behaviour is mostly of anger and falling out with people while also being practically non responsive to shoes of care and concern. He retreats from society and every one who loves him.
He refuses therapy or meds and feels
He can plough through it himself.
Not a good idea is it?

No, no and NO.

[stillvsparkling]

He is presently very self centred.
Angry, sad, refusesa sypport from anyone who cares for him.
He is trying to heal himself by rushing through these feelings but won't agree to gp / meds or talk therapy.
He is very self aware but definitely angry and irritable.

[RantyAnty]

It sounds like he's just an arsehole using depression as an excuse to treat people bad.

Him refusing treatment would be an extra huge no.

A relationship is supposed to add benefit and happiness to your life, not a never ending project.

[DisobedientHamster]

@stillvsparkling

He is presently very self centred.
Angry, sad, refusesa sypport from anyone who cares for him.
He is trying to heal himself by rushing through these feelings but won't agree to gp / meds or talk therapy.
He is very self aware but definitely angry and irritable.

He is not good relationship material. You need to leave and not see anyone until you figure out why you'd even want to give the time of day to someone like this, much less even question whether or not to have a relationship with him. Someone with strong self-esteem and boundaries wouldn't touch this with a 10-foot barge pole.

[NeverHadANickname]

I was sad reading this at first that people would discount someone for having depression. But with your update I would not be with him. Depression, as with a lot of illnesses, generally needs some sort of treatment and help to get through it and I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't engage with that, for me and themselves.

[TwentyViginti]

@user135664323455

Many many threads on here by people who have partners who use their depression as an excuse for some awful behaviour.

For the most part, that's abusive arseholes inventing a mental illness diagnosis to blame for their abuse. Either to manipulate the victim into staying or to avoid consequences.

Rarely is it someone who genuinely has depression. But it would be a reason to think more critically if someone told you that, sadly.

And OP, based on your further context, hell no. Unless getting into an abusive relationship is on your wishlist.

Indeed, there is diagnosed depression and self diagnosed 'depression' which is actually arseholery.

[colouringindoors]

In your case no - he's not seeking help.

[billy1966]

OP,
I mean this kindly, but why on earth would you for one minute contemplate a relationship with someone who so obviously has huge challenges?

Are you actively seeking out a tough, complicated life?

Would you like a family some day?

Would you like to have children with an angry person who refuses help?

Is this what you are seeking in a life partner and a father of a child you might have?

This man has huge challenges, God help him.
Why would you want to BEGIN a life with someone requiring so much effort.

This is completely different to someone whom you are in a relationship with who develops depression etc.

[stillvsparkling]

The reason I thought about it is because he is like two different men.
When his usual self, he is everythingImwould wish for but he is like a different person since this cloud has arrived.
He is ultimately very sad, the anger seems to be relevant to past Life experience and has come to The surface relative to the triggers that caused this episode of depression.
He is angry with himself for feeling angry and regretful when he hurts someone.
He is like a different person in the last number of weeks. That is the only way I can describe it. A full 180 in personality. I feel sorry for him too.

[PumpkinP]

I wish I didn't but I was young and naive , my ex had what I thought was just depression turned out to be a lot more (he was recently diagnosed as having schizophrenia. So no never again. It would be a red flag to me.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

How long have you known him? I think that's pretty important!

Is this a long term friend who has had a 180 degree personality change in the last few weeks? And why are you now contemplating dating him? Rescuer syndrome? He obviously has a lot of issues to deal with, and dating would not help him, or you, at the moment. It would just add more pressure.

Or someone you've meet recently who started off lovely and has changed? In which case how do you know which personality is the normal one for him?

Is he self diagnosed? Or actually diagnosed?

[TwentyViginti]

I feel sorry for him too
This is not a good reason to have a relationship. You'll no doubt feel like his rescuer. That you can 'save' him. You can't help him. He needs to want to help himself and he doesn't.

[ravenmum]

You shouldn't be asking whether you should date a man with depression. You should be asking yourself whether you want to date this man, with this form of depression, dealing with it in this way.

I had situational depression (i.e. not lasting a lifetime) after I broke up with my exh. I went to the doctor, got medication, did therapy, looked after my mental health better, exercised etc. I never acted angrily towards anyone, never let anyone but the doctor/therapist see what was going on in my head. This was classed as moderate depression. I didn't date until I felt I had it under control with the medication and so on. When I did date, it didn't affect anyone. That's one way a person can have depression.

Your friend is presumably more severely depressed and/or not taking care of his mental health and allowing it to affect other people. That's another way a person can have depression. The anger/aggressiveness could even be something else in addition to the depression.

[gamerchick]

He refuses therapy or meds and feels
He can plough through it himself.
Not a good idea is it?

Nope. Someone who is making a concentrated effort to over come their depression maybe. Someone who just expects everyone to bend around their depression with no effort? Not a chance on hell. You can't save everyone.

[Menora]

Unless he is going to have some kind of trauma therapy, this is his life.
Sorry but it is. You can feel sorry for him over it but you shouldn’t really go into a RS with him

I have had quite a lot of trauma therapy and it’s hard work and you have to want to work through it. He doesn’t

[WitchWife]

Sadly his “usual self” is probably his best self, rarely seen. The man you see now is the real him and you can waste as much time as you want waiting for the “usual self” to return.

Source: been there, done that. A few times. Won’t date depressed men again although DP has some other issues, the difference is he takes responsibility for them and tries to limit the effects on others.

In my view angry men are the root of most evil.

[Pebblexox]

Yes I would.
I myself have clinical depression and I would hate for somebody to to rule me out based on that. Having depressions is only one part of me, and yes sometimes it's a big part but with the right management and care I'm okay a lot of the time.
However in your case he needs to accept that he needs helps before it will even remotely get better, so it's a very difficult situation for you. If he really isn't willing to get support from the right channels, then I'd possibly say no to the relationship.

[Pollocking]

But @Pebblexox, the difference is that you clearly take responsibility for your condition and actively manage it. This man doesn’t.

[Vgtasd]

No I couldn't, its much too draining

[Lima45]

Nope nope nope.

And I say this as someone who has depression (and a mix of other mental health issues), and has a partner who has Asperger's and depression.

The key thing is won't take medication. If he's not willing to make the effort to keep it under control then he's a lost cause. Depression medication can suck, some of the side effects are brutal, however when you find the right one you can live a normal life with it.

Not being willing to do that means that they enjoy having a built in excuse to be an asshole whenever they feel like it.

So I'd say run

[PenelopePitstop49]

I need to be careful how I word this, but when DH was diagnosed with depression but refused to do anything about it, it nearly tore our marriage apart. Only 10 years of history and love saved it - and it was a fucking horrendous struggle. He checked out of family life leaving me to pick up the pieces, and I'm still angry and resentful if I'm honest. It felt like a self indulgent pity party. He was horrible to be around if I'm brutal.

In a new relationship? Honestly, I'd run like the wind.

[stealm]

I feel sorry for him too.
Depression or no depression, this is not a good sign. It ends up with you in the role of rescuer, when you can't rescue him because you can't "cure" his depression you will feel as if you have failed and he will feel as if you let him down.
I'd run if I had that feeling about someone, whatever the reason for feeling sorry for him. I say that as someone who used to almost go out of my way to go for the types I felt sorry for. It's ended with me not being in a good way at the moment.
Ex had depression but would not go and get any treatment or it. He drained all life and joy out of my life and now he's off with another woman all loved up and all the rest of it and she's "so happy" etc but I can see the signs in the woman he has chosen that the relationship will go the same way.
I am not in a good place with my mental health and it's because of this relationship. If you're not very careful you can end up depressed too. I am currently considering whether I am now at the point where I require medical intervention.

I'd leave it if I were you.