Would you/ Do you/ Have you knowingly date a man with depression?

[stillvsparkling]

Can you advise? Is it too hard? Thank you.

[StuffThem]

Trigger warning: suicide.

I have done, twice. Both times without knowing it, and I would have actively avoided anybody with current mental health conditions. I'm sorry if i have offended any readers by that

One was very hurtful because he wouldn't admit anything was wrong or go and get help, and it affected our relationship very much. Of course I can't prove he had depression but it strongly pointed towards that, and he'd suffered on and off in the past.

The other knew he was very ill with it, told me some but not the full extent of it, but he seemed to have a positive outlook on life and to cope very well. Then he killed himself. 💔

I'm never was and am still not voluntarily willing to put myself through either of those things again. Everybody has a past and nobody can predict the future, but it's not a life I'd choose.

[Dollyrocket]

Absolutely no way, given the fact he isn’t trying to manage it at all.

[fabulous40s]

Run, run like the wind

[stillvsparkling]

Thanks.It seems it would be a terrible idea following the majority of accounts.

[CanWeComeIntoTheOutNow]

I was with one for 15 years. Never a fucking gain. Ever. Ever. Ever.

[SaffronBuns]

I dated a chap with depression and anxiety at university. It was hard work but I really liked him. We moved in together and then we moved away. His depression and anxiety settled down afterwards. We got married and then we had children.

Now I have depression and anxiety - and he is absolutely amazing and extremely understanding.

Before DH though - I dated another guy who was really angry and cynical. It was horrendous.

[SoulofanAggron]

I have, but no. I might go out with someone who's had depression in the past but has been recovered for a while. I have severe MH problems myself, but if you have a partner with depression it can cast a pall over your life/house. It's like living under a cloud. I put up with enough of that sort of thing growing up, from my father.

If you have a partner already and they become depressed for a time, that's different as you've already made some commitment to them. But it wouldn't be something I'd choose at the start of the relationship.

And for some people, it is their temperament, they're never not depressed. You wouldn't know if the bloke is one of those.

I suppose you could keep them as a friend/keep in touch to see whether they come out of it.

[Echobelly]

I dated a guy with severe bipolar, but it was well managed with meds... I would certainly date a guy with depression, but I'm not sure I'd hang in there if, for example, he refused to get any help/meds for it and his behaviour was difficult on that account. But many people have it and are able to manage it much of the time.

[SoulofanAggron]

If he doesn't accept treatment- even more of a no!

@Echobelly I have bipolar and I think if someone's medicated and it's well managed that's different (though still taking a risk at first if you don't know them well, as you don't know how their condition manifests.) As I'm on meds I very rarely have episodes, and they're quite mild.

[Ceebeegee]

No
I tried. Really liked him but the pain it caused was just too much. The worry sick about them doing something silly (if they didn't answer the phone for example, my stomach would be in knots in case they had a down moment and attempted suicide). Having to pick up the slack constantly. The financial burden because they couldn't work. Plans and family life go out the window if they have a bad day - the first few times, you support them but long term its very very difficult. Thats before the general discussions where they feel like a total failure and have nothing worth living for, yet you're trying your best to support them. You try to make them happy but the just aren't happy. It's very wearing. I couldn't cope with it. I wouldn't willingly enter a relationship with a depressed person again.

[pineapplepalmtree]

only if they are already clearly absolutely committed to self management. engaging in medication, therepy, exercise etc and understand and are in control of their triggers.not just someone who lets themself fall and stay in the pit. it will drain the life from you quickly.

[SoulofanAggron]

@stillvsparkling As you say he gets angry with it too, that's even worse.

[HappySonHappyMum]

It's brutal - my DH checked out of our relationship mentally when his DM died of cancer 6 weeks before our DS was born. The most horrendous year ever - he couldn't cope and it was only our son that brought him out of it eventually. He still suffers with depression as he has severe arthritis and needs two operations - it is a struggle, I feel like I'm treading a tightrope sometimes. Meds don't help, they don't stop the physical pain. We've been married for 19 years and together 28 - I love him - if it was a new relationship though I'm not sure I'd advise you to stay.

[TheHoneyBadger]

I’ve suffered with depression on and off myself and I have to manage my energy well and keep life in balance and have enough solo time etc.

I think if you’re going to be with someone who has depressed episodes you need to be able to be fairly secure in yourself and not highly emotionally needy because there will be times when the person needs to withdraw and conserve energy.

Some people can handle that and not take it personally and badger the person to reassure them that they still love/fancy/want them. Others can’t. Worst is those who claim they can then turn into a nervous wreck of insecurity the first time you have a week where you need to go to bed early and aren’t as chatty as usual and don’t feel like sex.

I’m honest about the fact that I sometimes get really tired physically and emotionally and need to withdraw a bit and not deal with drama or intensity. It isn’t personal or a sign that I don’t love etc it’s just a part of managing my condition to know when I need to take a step back and recuperate so I don’t spiral.

I’ve basically decided I’m better off single so I can honour those times without harassment. I’ve got friends who are ace about it and I can still spend time with them and chill when I’m worn down because they can handle me being on slow mode and they know it passes. I’m better at picking friends than partners it seems 😆

This guy just sounds like hard work. My depression is my problem and I’ve spent my life getting as good at preventing, managing and coming back out of it as I can. I do all I can not to take it out on anyone. Sometimes I’m irritable and snappy when anxious and overwhelmed but if that goes outwards I apologise and explain.

Having worked through my traumas and issues depression for me now is a bit like a bout of flu, or better yet a short cold. It isn’t loaded with massive emotional issues.

[katmarie]

If my DH wasn't willing to manage his depression, or accept that he needed help with it, then it would be a different story entirely. He's pretty self aware for someone with depression, he knows his health has an impact on the rest of us, and he's worked hard to be able to express what's going on in his head, and talk to me about what he needs, and what he can cope with. In turn, he steps in when I feel overwhelmed, and if I need a break from the kids for example, I only have to say, and he understands exactly how I feel. He and I are a team, we shore each other up.


It doesn't sound like your DP is doing that OP. it sounds like it's all about him, not you as a team. I don't think the issue is the depression as such, but the selfcentredness.

[Alonelonelyloner]

No. I have and it has sucked out every ounce of energy from me. It was like being around a black hole sucking everything in sight. Awful.

Run if you can. And I say this as someone who has had PTSD and depression on and off. Even I wouldn't have wanted to be with me, even though frankly I was doing everything to beat it (CBT, psychiatry, ADs, running!)
The depressed men I was in relationships with were equally as awful.

[Athrawes]

The responses here are some of the reasons why people with depression or mental health difficulties don't seek help. The media is all about seeking help, telling someone, not killing yourself, and then there is the reality, expressed here, that depression is such an ugly disease that noone wants to even date a person who is depressed.

[Lardlizard]

Probably not, purely because i wouldn’t be able to handle it

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

God no! My father was a depressive, bloody awful- I’m sorry for the issues people have but doesn’t mean I have to date them.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I'm really suprised at the responses on here! Anyone could potentially suffer from a period of depression, it's so common in our society. I wouldn't rule someone out because of any health condition, mental or physical. I would, however, rule someone out for a history of uncontrolled anger. The two are most definitely not symbiotic, and depression is not an excuse for anger. In fact, I have found that many of those who suffer with their mental health tend to be a lot more sensitive and aware of the emotions of those around them. You can have a very caring, loving relationship with someone who suffers with depression and I certainly wouldn't call them "selfish" --my fiance and a couple of friends have depression and I have always felt content in those relationships!

This. I don't suffer with depression but if I did, I'd hate to think people would rule me out because of it. I know plenty of people who have or have had depression and have very happy relationships (usually treated with medication). My bf also takes medication for depression and was honest with me at the start. He manages it well and I am by no means perfect so I took a chance and I'm glad I did. What he doesn't do is cheat on me like my ex husband did. I guess we all have different dealbreakers.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I guess we all have different dealbreakers this ! My father was a depressive and an addict, I’ve lived enough years of my life surrounded by egg shells and misery. I would take a social, positive upbeat person above all else having lived with my dad. Maybe I accept other traits other women wouldn’t go near. Obviously if my husband fell into depression I wouldn’t up and go but knowing from the outset someone I wasn’t dating yet had an issue, I’d steer clear.

[Dontknownow86]

It depends really, a bit of depression that they are trying to help themselves with, fine.

However, my ex had dysthimia and it totally drained the life out of me and once he had rinsed me dry he ditched me and left me in the worst possible situation because he didn't 'feel anything anymore' because of the depression. I ended up getting depressed myself at this point because i'd taken on all the negative thinking and really had no energy left to fight it.

He was utterly self centred and it wasn't actually a relationship in retrospect.

[Trenisenne]

Based on your circumstances, no. DH doesn't have severe depression, but does have generalised anxiety disorder, and depressive tendencies. He's done a great deal of work to overcome this, and I admire him for it. Indeed, he's much much much better than he was ten, or even five years ago. Nevertheless, those tendencies remain, and even though mild, it is hard to live with at times. With someone who is angry, refusing to address the issue, I think you would regret it.

[Trenisenne]

Based on your circumstances, no. DH doesn't have severe depression, but does have generalised anxiety disorder, and depressive tendencies. He's done a great deal of work to overcome this, and I admire him for it. Indeed, he's much much much better than he was ten, or even five years ago. Nevertheless, those tendencies remain, and even though mild, it is hard to live with at times. With someone who is angry, refusing to address the issue, I think you would regret it.

[DisobedientHamster]

People are allowed to have any dealbreaker they want. ANY. And feel NO shame about what those are.