His ex gf

[sad11]

We have been together for a year. He lives with his ex gf (has done for a very long time) but they are just friends now. They dated ages ago and he has dated other women since them. Most of his other gfs have had an issue with this ex gf.

We argue a lot about his ex gf. I feel that she still has a soft spot for him. She hugs him, gets into his space, sometimes holds his hands and buys him stuff. At the start of the relationship when we were on dates she would be txting him. We had to cancel a few dates as there was a 'crisis' in her life or at the house. When on weekends away she again would be txting him.

Whenever I would bring it up about this weird behaviour he didn't take me serious. He told me I was being bitchy and that they were just friends. He has no interest in her in a sexual way so there wasn't an issue.

Now she has a bf and she isn't so obsessed with my bf or maybe he has had a word with her. However, I just can't get over the fact that I feel that she ruined our relationship. Our relationship started on the wrong foot. He always took her side and made out that I was being overly sensitive. I am so angry that she comes across as miss perfect and I am this evil bitch.

I did love him but now I'm doubting whether this relationship is worth it. His relationship with her has really tested our relationship. I have tried to end it a few times. Every time he convinces me that it is a silly reason to end it. I don't think that it is a silly reason.

He wants to live together but I don't know if I should take a chance on him as I feel that I have been a low priority. I want someone that puts me first. I want someone that has my back. I just don't feel that he has.

I just needed to vent. Has anyone been through this? Am I being silly and jealous? Is he worth it?

No hes not worth it and the pair of them sound very co-dependant. I can't see this going anywere. Cut your losses now x

Sounds like a lot of drama and upset in what should be your honeymoon period!

I think I'd move on to be honest. I couldn't be bothered playing second fiddle to anyone.

The fact you even have to ask is a bit worrying.
This is NOT OK!
You already know this.
And NO, he not worth it.
You should have run a mile ages ago.
Does he want to move in with you?
Do you have your own place?
This would be an absolute no-brainer for me.
Stop listening to his bullshit.
It's NOT a silly reason to end things.
You have a whole list of reasons.
Just end it and find someone who isn't so entrenched with their Ex.

He's overly attached to his ex - who may not be quite as ex as he makes out. Why on earth is he still living with her?

Most of his other gfs have had an issue with this ex gf

But he still doesn't get why..........

You've put up with this for a year - fuck knows why. Don't waste any more time on him.

She'll always be the 3rd party in the relationship, there's a reason why his ex gf's haven't put up with this and neither should you, your not silly or jealous to want a bf to yourself.

She'll always be the 3rd party in the relationship, there's a reason why his ex gf's haven't put up with this and neither should you, your not silly or jealous to want a bf to yourself.

Just end this shit show already. It was doomed from the start and currently circling the drain. Stop wasting your time.

You have a bf problem not a bf's ex gf problem. I'm all for having friends who are opposite sex or staying amicable with ex without jealousy but this is a bit strange.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel that my feelings are reasonable now. I find it infuriating that he doesn't understand. I get annoyed that she does all these subtly bitchy things and he never sees them.

I think as they both had to work from home due to Covid it made me even more paranoid as they were spending even more time together.

@hellsbellsmelons He seems to think the issue will be resolved if we move in together. I know it won't be resolved as they have lots of mutual friends and they have the same hobbies. She will always be a part of his life even if we move in together.

@TwentyViginti I think he lives with her for a few reasons. He needed someone he could trust. They have lived together for a few years now. He can't be bothered to move. The rent price is reasonable.

He can't be bothered to move on his own, but is willing to move in with you. Sounds like he uses women to facilitate an easier life for himself.

There is never a silly reason to break up with someone.
You can break up for any reason at all.

Break up by text or phone if you have to so he can't manipulate you into sticking around. It is manipulation as he's not listening to you at all. Break up and block him everywhere.

It sounds like he wants to come cocklodge at your place now.

End this shitshow of a triangle.
You deserve much much better than this.

Oh my god walk away. Don't need that crap

I think he lives with her for a few reasons. He needed someone he could trust. They have lived together for a few years now. He can't be bothered to move. The rent price is reasonable.

What a lazy man he is. My money's on the fact that she also does the majority of the housework and cooking. And if she's helpful enough to buy him clothes I bet she does his laundry too.

And now he wants to move from his second Mummy's house into a new place with you.

They are enmeshed. He will never be totally emotionally available to you.

She's keeping him exactly where she wants him and he's putting you in your place so that she doesn't outright have to. He minimises your feelings and she gives out microaggressions. They are made for each other.

The issue is that you're blaming it on her and saying that she does this and she does that but it should be framed in the context of what he does.

• He lives with his ex girlfriend.
• He continues to live with his ex girlfriend despite it causing

problems in his previous relationships, they didn't have a problem with her, they had a problem with the situation. He's learned nothing.

• You think she has a soft spot for him, but he clearly must have a soft

spot for her too if he's still living with her and still letting his living arrangements and relationship with her affect his relationships.

• She hugs him, texts him, holds his hands....he must be doing it back to her then and allowing it!
• He cancelled dates with you because of things going on in her life
• He dismisses all of your concerns...despite this causing problems in previous relationships also!
• He ruined your relationship, not her, it was his choice to stay living with her and continue on with their relationship as he previously did.
• He took her side, that's not her fault!

He is the problem, not her.

The hugs were one sided, she would put her arms around him.

He has been distancing himself from her and she doesn’t message as much. This has only been happening for the past few months.

I only found out recently that his past gfs had an issue with her and it cased arguments in his past relationships.

He has been trying more and putting me first for the last few months. I just am so angry and upset that she was allowed to mess up our relationship. I don’t know if I can get past the hurt that I feel.

I understand what people are saying that I should be angry at him. I am equally angry at them both, I blame them both for the situations.

I only found out recently that his past gfs had an issue with her and it cased arguments in his past relationships.

Surely you should have assumed that it would have been a problem for most people...or did your boyfriend act like it was oh so cool and completely normal to live with his ex and you accepted it?

I just am so angry and upset that she was allowed to mess up our relationship. I don’t know if I can get past the hurt that I feel.

He let her mess up the relationship. She couldn't have done it if he didn't allow it...and he has let it cause problems in previous relationships!

I understand what people are saying that I should be angry at him. I am equally angry at them both, I blame them both for the situations.

By blaming her you are putting less responsibility on him to treat his partners right and not to have the necessary boundaries in place to maintain healthy relationships.

Also if you feel like she has a soft spot for him then maybe the poor woman hasn't got over him properly...not helped by the fact that he hasn't moved out!! Obviously she could cut the cord herself but it's more difficult sometimes when you're the one who still has the feelings.

At the end of the day outsiders, your partners friends, family, exes and so on can act in whatever way they want and you can't control that.......but it's your partner who should do right by you and treat you right...and if they don't or put people before you or take their side all the time then that should be a dealbreaker and you should end the relationship. It's pointless blaming the other people!

I've only read your first paragraph but my initial thoughts are fuck that right off

It's very telling that he's had other girlfriends and doesn't see the common denominator.

I would cut my losses OP.

My guess would be that he's sweet talking her just enough to keep his feet under the table at her nice, homely, reasonably priced house and she still carries a torch hence the PDAs. Which is quite cynical and shitty if it is true as it can't be nice for her to have a string of new relationships rubbed in her face when he's keeping her dangling.

He seems to think he is clever enough to sweet talk you just the right amount to keep you onside too, and to possibly provide his new cosy place to live.

Sounds like quite a cynical bloke. There is no way he doesn't realise that all the women who have witnessed this odd codependent setup have a point. Most likely he enjoys the tension and attention too.

If the relationship was genuinely concluded in full, one of them would have moved out by now, probably him. Perhaps not the minute they split up, with tenencies, saving a deposit etc but certainly it wouldn't have taken years.

She isn't the problem here, he is. You can do better.