Struggling with BF's long working hours and being too busy

[sam1214]

Been seeing BF for 8 months. Things are generally good and we've told each other we love each other. We see each other every weekend and mostly text with the occasional FaceTime throughout the week.

My issue is that I want to see him during the week and speak on facetime more often - I have told him this. We have managed to see each other once during the week for the last few weeks (as well as the weekend) but I feel like I am always the one having to ask him and it makes me feel a bit rubbish about myself.

He works really long hours (work has been rubbish lately but again, don't want to make excuses for him) and seems happy to oblige when I ask to see him during the week, but this week when I asked if he could come and stay with me again on a weekday he said he'd try but I've not heard if we actually will. It just feels like it's going back to the status quo of me constantly being the one pushing for more contact/seeing each other.

Obviously covid19 has thrown a spanner in the works but I dont want to make excuses for things as people do tend to make time for things they value.

I dont want to drip feed so I'll say that there have been a few times where I've felt insecure about stuff in this relationship (I do have a bit of an anxious disposition and get in my head when it comes to relationships, my instinct is to want to end things at the slightest difficulty but I've tried to be more rational in this rship) and we have mostly been able to talk it out and I feel reassured. But this issue keeps cropping up and it makes me wonder if he actually does want to see me as much as I do him and makes me feel like I have to chase him to provide reassurance that he will in fact try and see me during the week.

MN always talks about how the right person will want to spend as much time with you as possible so this bugs me a little. Would appreciate second thoughts on this situation.

I dont have any real advice, I'm single at the minute but I think the situation you describe would bother me too.

is he having to juggle a lot of plans, to make time when u ask to meet in the week or does he seem to have spare time?

I think after 8 months I'd want to see someone more than just once at the weekend.

@crazycatlady20

no for the most part he works until 10-11 and jus goes straight home, but now that pubs are open again he told me he is going to see his mates one day during this week

yeh that's what I want to, to see more of him than just weekend. It sucks because we'll be semi-LDR soon too and I'm not sure how we'll manage

it's a hard one because he needs time to see friends too. on the face of I dont think your being unreasonable tho.

Personally, I would just have a think to whether I as happy with the current arrangement. if not, discuss it with him, tell him, what ur looking for and if it cant be done or after a period your still not happy then I think I'd move on.

@crazycatlady20

yeh I totally get that he needs to see his friends too and to his credit I am mostly included in things he does with his friends

but at the same time I am getting fed up of feeling like I'm doing most of the pushing to see him during the week, it doesn't seem to come from him organically but rather when I ask to see him more.

But shouldn't it just come naturally to him to want to see me? even if he only has time to literally come and crash in the same bed together, even that would be fine bc it would show he actually does want to see me but I'm not getting even that at the moment. I have thought about the long term viability of this situation

I am in a similar position - been together nearly a year, see him part of the weekend and maybe 1-2 nights a week. However, this is because we both have kids and multiple jobs...but I know that if things were different I would definitely be seeing him most evenings.

I think that you should speak to him if it's bothering you - "I'd love to see more of you" etc and see where the land lies? X

I wouldn't end it just yet but I would stop pushing to see him, I believe in give and take, if your the one always making more effort then maybe its making him lazy to think for himself.
Let him come to you and let him suggest when you see each other next and takes turns suggesting meet ups etc, if he can't manage this then you know its never going to be a fair relationship.

He comes to your place after work at 11pm? No wonder he’s not overkeen If that’s the case. He must be knackered.

If this is his lifestyle and it makes you sad and anxious ( i get it) i believe you would be better to break it off now. Those working hours arw unlikely to change and the more involved you get, the more miserable you will be

When people are so busy like that, I always wonder how they manage to find someone in the first place. :)

What do you guys do on your weekends together?

If I worked til 11pm every night, no, I really wouldn’t be keen to meet up during the week. I’d want to go home and go to bed. I usually don’t get home til 8 in normal times and I can barely hold a conversation with dh then.

If his work schedule is a long term thing, it seems like you just aren’t compatible. Imagine if you lived together or had children and you were home alone every evening. If it’s not forever, do you work? Could you meet for breakfast instead?

I once dated a guy who worked nights and we’d often meet for breakfast.

I have this issue with my partner, he seems to prioritise work etc whereas I have always made the effort with him.

There are 3 types of attachments people have. I definitely have an anxious attachment type, maybe you are a bit more that way too. We tend to need people who make us feel wanted and put the effort in. I seem to be with an avoidant type person who doesn't really worry about the relationship etc.

Has he always been this way or did he make more effort in the beginning? I think that's where the problem is, when they make a lot of effort in the early months and as time goes on they become complacent.

I agree with what another poster said about maybe he has just got lazy. Personally I'd give him space to make the effort and ask when he's seeing you next. If he doesn't start putting the effort in himself then it's the sad truth that this is a very one sided relationship and you need to consider if that works for you or not.