DH has changed

[shaz96]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice and a way to get everything off my chest to be honest. I apologise in advance for the lengthy post and if you need to know anything further I’m more than happy to answer.

DH and I have been together since we were teenagers (11 years), married for 3 years and have 2 children. Our relationship used to be great very loving and fun but now it’s the complete opposite.

I have always suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and after each child it got significantly worse. Within the last year my DH has also been diagnosed with depression and has been signed off work for at least a year. He takes regular medication and seems to be trying some days to fight his depression. On the whole we get on extremely well but it has begun to feel like we are just friends and that he no longer loves me.

DH used to be so loving and affectionate which is one of the main reasons I fell in love with him as he was different from the other guys I knew and I know it’s his illness as I suffer too so sympathies with him completely. I have tried for many months to be supportive and help him in every way possible and taken on board his suggestions on how to get better ie more alone time and child free time together both of which I try my best to do however it still doesn’t feel enough.

DH no longer hugs me when I’m upset, when I’m having a bad mental health day or a bad day in general and need to chat he says he no longer knows what to say, if I don’t initiate conversations we would just sit in silence and overall our sex life would be non existent if I didn’t make every move. I know this is down to his condition and medication but there’s no affection from him at all not even a hug or w kiss on the forehead. I have spoken with him many times about how I feel and nothing really ever changes. The last few months I’ve cried at least every other night and my heart hurts so much as I feel like he no longer loves me, cares for me or is attracted to me. He says that he is but his actions say different.

I feel as though I’m alone in this marriage and that I’m the only one fighting for it.

I have mentioned separating on a few occasions but then go against it as I can’t imagine my life without him and holding out on hope that one day I can get my husband back.

I’ve tried everything and not sure what to do anymore.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, but I can only give you my opinion so it may not seem be suitable.

Every marriage has its ups and downs and if at the core of your relationship there is love then I'd work on it. There doesn't seem to be any mention of abuse, manipulation or coercion in your post which is good to know of course. What you are going through may well be a common blip that many marriages face. I'd seek counselling maybe and if he's not willing to, then perhaps schedule a conversation.

How would you feel about writing a letter to him? you could have him read it or better yet, read it to him, when you have each other's attention. I'd try and move away from words that blame him entirely as he may get defensive and more aloof but rather, highlight the strengths that he does have that you have loved about him for all these years, the memories and experiences and the feelings that he gave you and that you would love to see more of.

I understand that it feels like the effort is one sided and that you may feel what you do is not enough but from what I have learned is that men can often feel not enough too, and rather than talk about it, they withdraw. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you both need to lift each other up, and voice your expectations without them seeming like demands and so highlighting the good things that he has done in the past may encourage him to open up a little and meet you half way.

Does he feel his depression is a result of having to live with you when you're depressed? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it to. It sounds as though you went through a terrible period of depression and he coped with it, but now he's not coping. To be signed off for a year is a sign of a very, very serious depression. Do you have any ideas as to what caused it? It doesn't sound as though he had a history of depression.

@LilMissRe

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, but I can only give you my opinion so it may not seem be suitable.

Every marriage has its ups and downs and if at the core of your relationship there is love then I'd work on it. There doesn't seem to be any mention of abuse, manipulation or coercion in your post which is good to know of course. What you are going through may well be a common blip that many marriages face. I'd seek counselling maybe and if he's not willing to, then perhaps schedule a conversation.

How would you feel about writing a letter to him? you could have him read it or better yet, read it to him, when you have each other's attention. I'd try and move away from words that blame him entirely as he may get defensive and more aloof but rather, highlight the strengths that he does have that you have loved about him for all these years, the memories and experiences and the feelings that he gave you and that you would love to see more of.

I understand that it feels like the effort is one sided and that you may feel what you do is not enough but from what I have learned is that men can often feel not enough too, and rather than talk about it, they withdraw. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you both need to lift each other up, and voice your expectations without them seeming like demands and so highlighting the good things that he has done in the past may encourage him to open up a little and meet you half way.

Thank you very much for your advice it is music appreciated.

We don't have the funds to try counselling as much as I feel it would help so will try the letter and see where it leads too. I'm not the greatest at explaining how I feel, do you have any suggestions on how things can be worded to avoid blame?

@HollowTalk

Does he feel his depression is a result of having to live with you when you're depressed? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it to. It sounds as though you went through a terrible period of depression and he coped with it, but now he's not coping. To be signed off for a year is a sign of a very, very serious depression. Do you have any ideas as to what caused it? It doesn't sound as though he had a history of depression.

His depression is down his job and being extremely unhappy at work due to the stress of the role and financial stress due to me not being able to work with complicated pregnancies. His parents also split in the last year very unexpectedly and he suffered a bereavement also.

He has his good days and his bad days and the medication seems to be making life more bearable for him.

Well, you know much of the problem is down to medication. I have been in your situation ( my husband was depressed, took antidepressants and lost libido.... the affection definitely lessened during this time. I remember asking him to hug me at least twice a day for six seconds minimum lol , he listened and although it felt automatic at first, it didn't for long, it started increasing all the time All I can say is, it gets better when he is able to stop the medication... Make sure that's an aim, don't just stay on it for years. Is there a target for coming off/lowering the dose?. My husband is back to being his old self, happier even, certainly more confident in the relationship. I wish you luck.

I think I would avoid "why don't you", "you don't anymore", "what have I done?" kind of language and rather phrase it along the lines of " I really loved it when" or " I remember_ and I am so thankful and would love to feel that way again" or " you are so good at_" "I love that I can trust/ rely on you to__"

I guess affirm the positive and not highlight the negative

How did he usually express his love to you? what is his love language?

But as the pp said anti-depressants peel a layer away from people and they can become shells of themselves so be patient with him but ensure that he's not on the medication for very long.

Best of luck! :)

@Bridget64

Well, you know much of the problem is down to medication. I have been in your situation ( my husband was depressed, took antidepressants and lost libido.... the affection definitely lessened during this time. I remember asking him to hug me at least twice a day for six seconds minimum lol , he listened and although it felt automatic at first, it didn't for long, it started increasing all the time All I can say is, it gets better when he is able to stop the medication... Make sure that's an aim, don't just stay on it for years. Is there a target for coming off/lowering the dose?. My husband is back to being his old self, happier even, certainly more confident in the relationship. I wish you luck.

It's a horrible thing to experience so I'm glad that your situation has improved. No talks on reducing medication etc and to be honest he's stopped contacting his mental health supporter which doesn't help. I've tried asking for more affection but it falls on deaf ears. I try my best not to bother him with my feelings and how I'm coping as he's not in the greatest of places but I'm Struggling so much. My heart is hurting and I can't get it to stop. Every time I try and speak about our feelings it leads to arguments. He never wants to talk about us or fight for us.

@LilMissRe

I think I would avoid "why don't you", "you don't _ anymore", "what have I done?" kind of language and rather phrase it along the lines of " I really loved it when_" or " I remember_ and I am so thankful and would love to feel that way again" or " you are so good at_" "I love that I can trust/ rely on you to__"

I guess affirm the positive and not highlight the negative

How did he usually express his love to you? what is his love language?

But as the pp said anti-depressants peel a layer away from people and they can become shells of themselves so be patient with him but ensure that he's not on the medication for very long.

Best of luck! :)

Thank you for your advice.