Cutting ties with narcissist mum after 30 years

[Nem0321]

Hi everyone

Last year I got married to a lovely man and had a DD after 2 rounds of IUI. We are v happy and feel lucky. But since I became a mum I felt like I needed to distance from my mum and brother because of a history of abuse. I've finally gone NC and am seeking support. Thank you.

As a child my bro inflicted all kinds of emotional and physical abuse, right up until he left home. My last memory is being throttled by him against the wall as my mum watched. My mum did nothing and rarely disciplined him, even when he became fascinated with guns, N*zi memorabilia and confederate flags on his wall. She encouraged him to take up archery because he enjoyed violence. He's married now but beats his wife (she told me on our wedding day). Mum denies all this happened. As a classic narc, she triangulates across the family, scapegoats me for my bros behaviour, denies most of it even happened, lies regularly and calls my 8month old DD 'manipulative.'

Last year my bro wrote me a long letter apologising for all of it, admitting his abuse and feeling of remorse for what he did. Since then I've not heard from him and he has no interest in his niece. I've tried to involve him but he goes silent. Not excusing his behaviour but his admission was tough to hear and meant a lot. But still my mum denies his wrongdoing.

I sought therapy as soon as I left home. With counselling I've been trying to keep everyone together but finally lost my sh*t this year. I don't feel safe leaving my DD there alone, and mum kept pressuring us to leave the baby. We refused and she went nuclear. So as of last week I walked away.

Interested in anyone else who has gone no contact with narcissist - mine has gone silent and is using my father to accuse me of mental illness, delusions and (best of all) being the physical abuser myself. Jeez. I'm managing to ignore but it is tough. Any words of advice? Thank you.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through all that, OP. Cutting contact is the only sane response to such a mother, and well done for finding the strength to do it.
Your mother is using your father as her “flying monkey”, to try and keep you in the sphere of her abuse and control. You need to make clear to him that if he persists with your mother’s agenda, you will have no contact with him either.
I cut contact with my narc mother and violent father over 30 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child. I didn’t want them in her life.
The sense of relief and liberation was amazing. I didn’t have any regrets and shed not a tear when they both eventually died.
Just stay strong. It will feel easier and easier as the fog lifts. You are doing the right thing, not only for you but for your child too, in sparing them such a toxic grandmother.

I’m sorry to hear you have had this life so far. I believe my mother too is a narcissist although I was the invisible child.
I tried to maintain a relationship until my children were 10 but I noticed they started to pick up on the strange ways she behaved and I found birthdays/Christmas/etc all had to be about her and not the children and decided to go no contact.
I don’t regret it at all! It’s so freeing.

Thank you @Babdoc so much for your message. I really appreciate it so much. This is actually the first time I've ever spoken about this online, so getting feedback like yours has made me so grateful for opening up. Thank you so much. Ditto with the feeling of liberation. I have been sleeping better and feel like a tonne of weight has lifted. Interesting what you had to say about them both passing away - I have had similar thoughts and always beat myself up. Sometimes cutting ties really is the easier thing. Are you much happier now? Did it work out for you in the end? Thank you again

Yes @ItStartedWithAKiss241 your experience sounds very tough. I was the invisible child too, until I had kids then all of a sudden I was of use. Well done for taking action and getting your family away from that.
TBH one of the main reasons I decided to go NC was fear about how mum might divide and conquer with me and my daughter, like she does with everyone else.

I’m sorry to hear you have had this life so far. I believe my mother too is a narcissist although I was the invisible child.

My mother is an ignoring narcissist and is not a very nice person. I became no contact 5 years ago. Earlier this year, I decided to try and reconcile (mid-life thing) but it ended up in tears (mine) and my mother never bothered to contact me after my visit to her. No mother should treat her daughter like this but having been emotionally physically abused by my mother and father, I blamed myself. I am seeking psychotherapy to try and sort this out a bit in my own mind. I am glad I tried to reconcile - it put the ball back in her court and appeased my guilt. The divide and conquer thing rings very true too (as does bad mouthing my siblings and me to them).

@Nem0321 Have you checked out the Stately Homes thread? It's for the children of narcissistic parents and will be a great source of support for you, I suspect.

@Nem0321 Here's the link. It's a fantastic place for support and advice. Best of luck OP - you've taken a really positive step for yourself.

But we took you to Stately Homes - May 2020 onwards thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread