Sibling Problems

[bluehoo]

Changed my name for this. Am in new relationship, siblings take no notice of this fact. They don't invite him to things, almost act as if he doesn't exist. They love my ex-partner of course. I feel as if they have taken his side in the breakup. They ignore my invitations to come and stay (this has happened twice) yet are affronted when I don't go and see them. They all have partners and children and busy lives and I feel I am growing crosser and bitterer and if I try to have a conversation about it I'll be a drag on the time we do get together. Not explaining very well. Feeling a bit miserable. I want to be close to my siblings but it's so hard to achieve. I love them all.

Hmm, they are not acting in an adult way. Whether they like your ex or not, you have chosen a new partner now who makes you happy (I presume!)

Tell them you feel both hurt and angry {insert any other emotion/feeling) when they don't invite him/refuse invites etc. You would like them to accept he is now part of your life and treat him as such. Then leave them to fill the silence after this. And the longer it gets, they more uncomfortable they should become with their behaviour reflected back to them. And then swiftly change topic, let them mull over their behaviour and see what changes.

However if you don't bring it up, how will you feel? At the moment bitter and angry. Will that go away if you don't voice your feelings? Your siblings will only know what your feelings are if you state them in a clear non confrontational, non shaming way that will allow them to alter their behaviour.

However what you do is up to you...but their behaviour is not nice.

I know that the sensible and adult thing to do is to address it with them but I really feel (esp. after the breakup a few years ago with my original partner) that they are sick of me having "ishoos" and that if I say I feel hurt etc they will inwardly roll their eyes. I know this is a stupid attitude for me to have.

Maybe they just need a bit of time to make the transition - maybe they are waiting to see if you and him go the course. I don't mean to sound like I am trivialising it but it just brought to mind the situation when you get an office temp at work and don't really make the effort to get to know her because you are really busy and you know she will be gone next week, but when you hear she is being taken on as a permanent member of staff you feel a bit guilty for not having talked to her before and you then get chatting?

Is it possible that they aren't deliberately ignoring him/you but just have busy lives and know your ex better so it's easier to get along with him? How long have you been with your new partner?

About three years. In fact longer than that, closer to four probably at this stage. He's still "new" though. Perhaps they do need more time - perhaps they are genuinely just very busy. I would like him to be a default part of the family I suppose - and of course that does take longer when you don't see people very often, and probably harder as you get older and more set in your ways.

Oh, that's quite long though, when you said "new" I thought you were talking weeks not years.

I think in that case I agree with Ally, I would talk to just one of your siblings to start with - the one you are closest to - and just explain in a non-defensive and non-attcking way how you feel. Try not to get emotional and make it an "ishhoo!" but just start with a chat about something else and how they are, and then smile and say somehting has been nagging at you a bit and would you mind me asking, do you or anyone in the family have a problem with my DP, only I can't help but notice that....

Remember at the end of the day he is your partner, not theirs, and you don't need their approval. I expect they are just genuienley quite busy and a bit set in their ways.

Thanks for your help. I might see if I can start a non-confrontational, non-emotional chat with my sister. Hohum people are wise.

How does he feel about your siblings? the situation?