Is it too soon to be official?

[missbunnyrabbit]

I know it's different for every couple but this is the first 'normal' dating I've done - two uni bfs before (one long term and one short), we became official after a week.

Now, I'm seeing a new guy who ticks every box. Met on dating app, been chatting for a month now, meet up 2-3 times a week (about 11 dates now) and most times he's stayed over. I asked last week if we were exclusive and he said yes.

The red flag is that he's my age, mid twenties, and has only had one relationship of 6 months because he admitted he is scared of commitment. I asked him why he was on a dating app then and he said he wants a gf and to get over this commitment issue (said it was because in his head, commitment means settling down and that means things will get stale). He's such a catch anyway that I thought I'd give him a chance.

So I'm wondering when people normally become 'official' in the proper dating world? This is unlike anything I've had before and I'm usually quite upfront with guys, but I don't want to scare him off (due to the whole commitment thing)...

What do you think?

I think being “official” isn’t really a thing other than in the heads of the couple in question. It doesn’t really mean anything as relationship statuses go other than you’ve said the words “were official”. No one outside of your relationship really takes any notice. So if you want to call yourself official, do it, or don’t. It doesn’t make any difference to what sort of a relationship you’re in.

I think with me it was between 1-2 months. I remember being in your position not long ago, it's frustrating isn't it

Thanks guys, I guess I just want to know if he's serious or not. I don't want to waste my time on him if not. I'm trying to have high standards and value myself.

I would just ask him myself to be my bf but not sure if it's too soon.

You're exclusively dating - I reckon that's official

If you’re exclusive I’d say that means you’re a couple and he is your boyfriend.

I think exclusive means official but why rush to label it?

You don't want to waste your time but, whatever the label, there are no guarantees on outcome. After 11 dates, even if they have all gone really well, neither of you can realistically know whether or not you will still be together a year from now. I just mention it because I think labelling things too soon could put unnecessary pressure on the relationship, whereas just letting it unfold could get you to precisely where you want to be with it.

I think it was about 2 years when we had the ‘talk’ but realistically after about 3 dates we both knew, we just didn’t want to have any pressure affecting the relationship.

Good points about the pressure... I would hate to label it and then it fizzle out.

I know he said it's exclusive but I've learnt that men lie. He might have just said it to please me. I think I'd feel better with a label, then it's more likely he meant it...

You have known this guy a month

That’s a short amount of time for someone to present who they are.

He’s said he’s exclusive- take him at his word by all means but it means nothing more than words at the moment.

I’m in my 50s, met my oh 4 years ago and because I’d online dated a couple of years, and because I’m old and have the emotional scars to prove it I told myself not to even consider this to be anything other than an enjoyable friendship until at least 6m.

All of this was my conversation with myself - not him!

I told myself No expectations, no obligations and if it doesn’t work out, it’ll be disappointing but not disastrous to me or my self esteem.

When we got to 6m, I started to consider it a more serious relationship, and would review as I went along. 1year is another milestone.

I have had relationships rank at a year, and this is a phase where both of you have the chance to get the basics of who each other is.

It’s not going to make you experts on one another and as it can take on average 2 years for an abusers mask to slip, it’s an ongoing review process to make sure your relationship makes you happy, makes him happy, is healthy and enables you both to grow and be more as individuals by having each other in you’re lives

So my advice is to not take things too seriously, don’t ever take phone or text contact as a short cut to intimacy, the only way to see someone for who they are is to spend the real face to face day to day time with them.

Just enjoy what you have for what it is right now, you’ll learn and grow from this relationship whatever happens