Dealing with a relationship break up....

[mrsecm]

Hi all,

New here and seeking some help/advice.

My (ex) boyfriend and I had been together just over two years. He is a kind, loving and amazing bloke.

At the beginning of this year however things changed drastically for us. He suddenly went off me over night. He was his usual kind, considerate self however had no interest in being affectionate or having sex etc. I tried on numerous occasions to discuss this with him, to see what had changed and was causing it however sadly he shut down. He didnt wanna talk.

I know I shoudlnt but I checked his phone and found out he had been watching porn on a regular basis (I have no issues with him watching porn on occasions but when it is affecting our sex life I do). This made me feel low, unwanted and unloved. Things in my mind, the way I felt about him changed instantly. I became annoyed at him for the littlest things etc.

This went on for months. I then decided it was time to have the break up conversation. He said he was sorry he hadnt paid me any attention for months and that he was suffering with depression and had no interest in sex. I said if that was the case why had he been constantly watching porn. He had no answer for this and all he could say was sorry. I also found out he had been messaging another girl, there was nothing of sexual nature in it but very flirtatious.... which made me feel awful.

I said if he told me he was feeling depressed I would have supported him fully however he in turn made me feel very low, wanting to end my life for not feeling good enough for him. I felt he had turned to another woman for attention when he knew I would always support and love him. He could not tell me why he did this.

He said he was sorry and would do whatever it took to make it up to me. However when he tried to touch me it made me feel ill. I love him but the way he made me feel I cannot get back the feelings I had for him.

He has now moved out and i've done nothing but cry. My last relationship break up, my partner was aggressive and controlling and it was a relief when he walked out the door. With this relationship, I am really struggling to know how to deal with the break up.

He was such a good friend, a lovely guy and we had amazing times but I just couldnt get back the respect or feelings I had for him previously. I am used to him being here every night and now suddenly he's not. I feel so alone and sad and cannot see a way forward at the moment. How do people deal with a break up when you still love and care about someone but it just won't work. Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP, it takes time to get over a breakup. Did you split that the beginning of the year or more recently, I think time heals.

I'm going through it,its raw and painful.Cant eat or sleep, miss him..I'm reading a book" it's called a breakup because its broken" which has actually made me laugh through the tears.
Ultimately I think it's just time,as they say,it heals but theres no quick fix....I wish there was.

Sorry you’re hurting, OP. But fair play to you for recognising your worth and honouring those feelings of not being able to trust and move forward. That’s gutsy! You will hurt now but I promise you will heal. Time is all you need.

Also putting in another upvote for ‘it’s called a break up because it’s broken’. That book has made me pull up my big girl pants and also snort with laughter through a bruised heart/ego on several occasions.

In the meantime, could you write down all the ways this man in your life was less than ‘kind, loving and amazing’. You describe someone who could also make you feel ‘alone, unwanted and unloved’. Hold onto the latter, OP. That’s what you’re setting yourself free from.

I found it useful to set myself an allocated time- say 20 minutes- during the early days of my last breakup to allow myself to wallow, cry, question, ruminate. And then? Lipstick on, crack on and glow forth.

Sending you strength. X

It is very difficult, unfortunately it takes time. Focus on yourself and definitely surround yourself with friends and family. Look after yourself and try to resist contacting your ex.

Hi anonnnni, can I please seek your opinion. In a very similar position. Ex husband left and returned a few times. Has mental health issues but is a good person. We have 2 teenage kids. He constantly gives mixed messages. I love him and would love it to work but he hasn't been an active partner for quite some time. Hes gone since January with no real change effort or attempt to put things right. If we talk he says he needs time. Do I put my emotions to one side and cut him loose. Starting to dwell on him moving on with someone else and its killing me.

Hi @LuckyLinda3,

Having not been married, I can’t give you perfect advice. But what I would say is that relationships are meant to enhance your life, not detract from it or makes things hard. At least not all the time!

I would ask yourself what you need. Seems like your husband is getting what he wants when he pulls these stunts but are you? When my ex fiancé told me he needed time/was confused, that was all the confirmation I needed to walk away and prioritise myself. He had two years of being with me to make himself less confused and I value myself more than to sit around and wait for him to have an epiphany. Because it would never happen and frankly we both know how it feels to be the person who is waiting for someone else to change. I nope’d out and Have since concentrated on making my life awesome: exercise, my own place, nurturing friendships etc.

You won’t always feel like it’s killing you I promise. Just remember you deserve better than a man who flip flops in and out. You’re the prize, behave like it! Xx

Hi anonnnni, thanks for your reply. I really wish I had your strength of character right now. Great advice. I'm hurting but I think I will start tomorrow doing small little things and work from there. I was talking to my ex today and actually think hes in in quite a deep depression, also feel that because of his mental health issues I make too many allowances. Not good for my head all this thinking!