If your in-laws are twats how do you handle themIf you have to see them

[Lardlizard]

Half torn between bit been polite but cold and distance

And half being all lively loud and cheery as I know that will irritate them !!

Not twats, but judgemental and see my parenting style as lesser than SILs.

Smile and ignore anything that needs it.

I wouldn't say my MIL is a twat she can be fine, but does tend to "play off" her adult offspring and their various partners/children. There are a few things I do:

1. Never engage about who did what to whom and why (I'll give a non-committal noise then change the topic entirely about something innocuous. Example Her: "I've noticed SIL1's DCs have lots of bugs, I wonder how well she cleans" Me: oh, your garden is looking amazing at the moment. The more random the disconnect the better - she knows what I am doing without me stating "I don't want to discuss and criticise so you can use it later"
2. I don't always turn up with DP and kids - I'll say I have work, or need to do something, or exams. It lowers the expectation that I'll be there and therefore she can't control (she has shown this to be a problem in the past).
3. I am am never over lively, I'll just sit back and leave that to others. I remain polite and "nice".
4. I accept any gifts or food pleasantly and gratefully even if I have to make it up! I've had some weird gifts in the past though!
5. Never mention other members of the family or what they've done/said etc. as I know she will probably take what's said and get it wrong (deliberately or otherwise I don't know). I see her do this to other SILs and causes upset.

When FIL was being awful, dh and I played bingo. So we'd decide on a number of topics/digs/comments that would be made, and divide them up. It totally takes the sting out of rude comments when inside you are celebrating crossing that one off your card! We also had competitions on responses to things - you could get in a 'oh, was that in the Daily Mail' to a Xenophobic remark or whatever for points on the list.
Changing the subject sharply is def a great tactic, and thinking of random disconnects is fun too.
I liked annoying FIL by engaging him in conversation about things I knew him to be interested in, and about which he enjoyed talking to his sons, but which wasn't suitable for ladies. Cars and DIY mostly.
Unless its something totally unacceptable, its all kept very neutral and polite though. We refuse to get drawn into discussions of our family size, work arrangements etc

I see MIL an absolutely minimum. I encourage DH to take the kids to see her or arrange visits when I'm away/out. I maybe see MIL twice a year. Means enough time has passed for my eyes to have unrolled from my head from her last visit

Yeah encourage your DH to take the kids round on his own and never go round there to socialise, instead have them at your house where you're the matriarch.

I don't visit mil anymore and she's not welcome in my home either. Had an almighty screaming match with her about 2 years ago. It was horrible at the time but it's bliss now. We are cordial and do small talk the rare time I see her which suits me. She lives very close and would constantly call in unannounced when it suited her. Don't have to worry about that now, I can relax in my own home.

I’m civil, best it’s going to get. They are as many have said in posts. When drink is involved it’s much worse. I keep away, they are welcome for the sake of DCs seeing their grandparents. My partner clearly chooses their side in disagreements that have happened. It was tricky at this time but I know where I stand.

I say 'That's rude' and 'Did you forget to put your filter in with your false teeth this morning?' and 'Interesting. Let's unpick that particular little piece of malice, shall we?'

I avoid SIL altogether. I have no duty to spend time with twats.

I'd often just pleasant talk for half a hour or do then busy myself with jobs.
Rarely visited at her house.
Did encourage h to take dc. They were never keen and less so now. Her loss, she put little effort in

Watching with interest here. I really don’t get on with my PILs and haven’t for over 20 years. When I do have to see them, I am torn between not engaging (basically sitting there with a face like a slapped arse) and being quite in-their-face and opinionated as it pisses them off to see women being anything other than subservient. Not entirely sure which is the better approach.

One thing is clear though. If (or rather when) they make any offensive comments to me, I challenge them instantly and head-on. Ignoring them or trying a subtle rejoinder doesn’t work as they are so thick skinned, and they just continue in the same vein. They have to be corrected firmly and swiftly.

@CeliaCanth I think we are the same person.

@ethelredonagoodday Are you my sister-in-law?!

CeliaCanth
That is exactly it
am torn between not engaging (basically sitting there with a face like a slapped arse) and being quite in-their-face and opinionated as it pisses them off to see women being anything other than subservient.

@BlueJava I think we share a MIL.

I have to see my PIL's because DH works with them, they literally live around the corner and we have the only grandchildren and my DS's adore them.

Once I worked out MIL was using me as a pawn between her and my SIL's I stopped engaging. I just deflect. She's fine in small doses, and socially I can go out and have fun with her but as a MIL she's just not very used to having women around and struggling with the fact that her sons are growing up and have other people (women) in their lives who actually take priority.

I've learnt to ignore her and take everything with a pinch of salt. My FIL is lovely, so I do spend time there because I enjoy his company. I do spend nights daydreaming of moving abroad to escape though.

Actually @BillyAndTheSillies reminds me of another good tip - always keep your guard up! I find I can go out with MIL, have fun and you think it's going well - but then they were will be some comment about someone and I know if I engage it'll get back (with a little twist) to another family member.

Yup, we definitely share a MIL. I found out recently that over Christmas she was very rude about me to one of my SIL's.

My SIL told me and when I confronted her, she openly admitted that she'd said it to my SIL, in the hope that SIL would then say something bad about me as well so that MIL could use it as ammunition against me and my SIL. It's just warped.

DH's brother and his wife (the SIL in question) are practically NC with MIL now. She's also said she won't have children because she sees how smothering MIL is with my DC and doesn't want the same to happen to hers.

I'm no contact with my in-laws. Best thing I've ever done. If my husband wants to see them then it's up to him, but I no longer tolerate their crap!