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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like partner is being sneaky

18 replies

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 12:23

Hi I dont really know what to think and it might be hormones because weve not long had a baby but I get the feeling that partner is being sneaky a few days after our daughter was born he went back to work and when he came home it was the usual how was your day etc and he said it had been quiet but I noticed during the day that he had been on Facebook so I asked if he had spoken to anyone and he said no . His phone had died at work so when he charged it and switched it on a message came through from this woman on Facebook and i said who's that i thought you hadnt spoken to anyone and he just kind of said ooh it's this woman from work so i said why are you talking to her on Facebook and why lie about it he didnt say anything about it so when he went for a shower i looked at the messages (hes always said I can look in his phone if I want to) the problem is there were no messages every single message had been deleted what would you do

OP posts:

Squeakyjoint · 07/07/2020 14:36

Don’t ignore gut feelings. Doesn’t mean your partner is up to anything but worth investigating. How you do that is up to you. I’m sure you are resourceful enough. My partner is being sneaky ( I have evidence of this). Seeing where it leads as no lines crossed yet, but I have a fuller picture of their character and that hurts. If an untold truth is there, it WILL come out. If not at least you’ll be happier knowing you’ve been thorough? Good luck

ErickBroch · 07/07/2020 14:53

Dodgy af. I would suspect the worse.

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 15:37

I'm currently sat thinking all sorts and have since it happened ..he says she works for a different branch of the company in a different city he also has just started a new job with a different concept but its conveniently in the same city as this woman apparently works for the old company..kind of just sat here thinking what is he up to while I'm sat at home with 2 children

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 15:40

Company not concept lol

OP posts:

MrsMerch17 · 07/07/2020 15:45

Never ignore your gut feeling. We have that instinct for a reason.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/07/2020 15:47

have you been together for very long OP? Is he the dad of your eldest child?

I ask because there is a certain type of man who targets single women by moving in with them and getting them pregnant so that he can have all his domestic needs met whilst still sneakily living a single life. It's horribly common and I wonder whether this could be the case here?

booboo24 · 07/07/2020 16:00

It does sound off, however, you asking him if he had spoken to someone also sounds a bit strange. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but why are you asking who he has spoken to? Could it be he is lying and deleting because he is worried about your reaction?

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 16:03

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 yes hes the father of my eldest child weve been together for almost 6 years now ..I had this with him before when our son was 3..hes almost 7 now .... he had been messaging a woman on snapchat it was only because I confronted him about it that he told me he was talking to her because hed taken out a guarantor loan and didnt want me to find out because at the time we were struggling slightly financially so this woman that he knew was the guarantor and he was telling her when payments were made for it etc he doesnt talk to the woman anymore so its definitely not the same woman

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 16:06

@booboo24 it's just a usual thing in our house we both do it it's kind of like how was your day? Have you spoken to anyone today? Usually I'll reply with I've spoken to my mum or my friend and he usually says hes spoken to his mum or his sister or something

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Vodkacranberryplease · 07/07/2020 16:06

It's extremely common for men to cheat around the time their partners are having babies. So I think judging by what you've said it's likely but equally he will lie so you will need proof.

Icanflyhigh · 07/07/2020 16:07

If he has nothing to hide and you already know he was speaking to her because you asked who the message was from, why has he gone to the trouble of deleting the messages?

Doesn't sound great to be honest.
He obviously didn't learn his lesson after the guarantor loan episode - which also sounds a bit odd as a guarantor for a loan is usually someone you know, like your mum/aunt/gran etc

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/07/2020 16:07

Another woman guaranteed a loan for him when he was in a relationship with you? What did he spend the loan on? That alone sounds fishy.

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 16:18

@Icanflyhigh honestly no bloody idea!! He said it was about someone at work but then said she works in a different branch in a different city that's what has made my brain tick over because surely she camy possibly be talking to him about people.she doesnt know or.doesnt work with

OP posts:

gutentag1 · 07/07/2020 16:23

Did you ever see evidence that there was a loan? That sounds really odd to me. Why would she even agree to being his guarantor, and why would he have to tell her every time he makes a payment?

Original poster

Mumof2babies · 07/07/2020 16:24

@gutentag1 yes the loan was with amigo and I've no idea about that I suppose she thought he wouldnt make the payments

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 07/07/2020 16:24

You know he's lying.

He knows you know he's lying.

He's relying on you not leaving him though, because he's got away with shady behaviour and obvious lies in the past.

Relationships don't have to be like this OP. Healthy ones aren't. They are calm, fun and loving.

You don't trust him, for good reason. Time to call it a day.

Icanflyhigh · 07/07/2020 16:26

I think you possibly need to take a step back and watch carefully, check his phone as and when you can. He will slip up, they always do, IF there is anything to hide.
Without proof, he will deny and you will be convinced you're going mad. Worse case scenario, he will blame your pregnancy hormones and a new baby.

Sillymee · 07/07/2020 16:31

So sorry you’ve going through this so soon after baby, but I think deep down you know this isn’t right. If it was a lady from work, why aren’t they emailing from work emails instead of Facebook? And why would he delete the messages if it was Innocent. If it’s not a big deal that you can go on each other’s phones I would say ‘ you know you said that woman who popped up was from work, why did you delete the messages?’ Do you know his password? If so if you Log onto the actual website rather than the app there used to be a deleted section, don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t usually suggest spying but if he can do this when you have 2 children and 1 very young I have no sympathy for him in regards to privacy. Hang in there but definitely either ask or find it yourself xx

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