Effort.

[inmyshoos]

How much effort do you 'expect' when dating? In the first few months?
Seeing someone past few months. He is lovely, consistent, stable, Funny... But he doesn't do the stuff most previous partners have in the early days. Does that matter? Just thoughtful things like flowers or chocolate when he comes over. Do these things really matter? I think I'm concerned about lack of effort and that would bother me as time goes on I think.

I've never, ever had a bf bring flowers or a box of chocolates when they come to visit me.

Flowers and chocolates are an easy way to seem thoughtful. Is he caring and thoughtful in other ways?

I couldn't care less about flowers or chocolates myself, but if that's something that's important to you, then yes, you have a problem because he's never going to do it.

Overall, I DO expect effort at the beginning. eg, does he proactively contact me/suggests ideas for activities/notice when I've mentioned something and follow up (eg job interview, dr appointment etc). Is it "equal" or am I doing all the work - eg he comes to mine for food but there's never any reciprocal arrangements whether that's going to his or him suggesting a takeaway, paid for and organised by him?

My dad once commented in the context of my DB who had refused to take a cup of tea to his fiancée, "If you can't do nice things for each other when the relationship is fresh and new and lovely, how are you going to be there for each other when things get tough?" I've kept that in mind ever since. I think it's advice to live by.

What does he bring when he comes to yours?
Are you cooking for him?
Does he cook for you?
Does he bring wine or something similar?

I expect a lot of effort and it was worth holding out for; these men do still exist but can be hard to find. As a PP said, if he won’t do these things at the beginning, it doesn’t bode well for when things get tougher.

Have never seen flowers or chocolates during dating lol. Tbf that was mostly up to the age of 25. But I did date a lot.

Also, have you bought him flowers and chocolates?

My now husband of 10 years is so kind and generous and a great partner and father. Even when dating, flowers and chocolates never would have crossed his mind. It's so trivial. This is your life, not a RomCom!

I guess if flowers and chocolates are important to you, move on.

Is he respectful of you, your privacy, and your home when he visits?

@DorisLessingsCat

Also, have you bought him flowers and chocolates?

I knew it wouldn't be long before someone piped up with this

No I haven't brought him flowers or chocolates but I made us a picnic and I bought flowers for his mum.

Yes he is thoughtful in other ways. Gentle and caring. Will remember to ask if I'm feeling better if I've said I have a headache or something.

The most important effort is that he's willing to spend time with you, making you feel cared for and wanted. Some men don't really think about extra touches such as flowers so that alone isn't anything to worry about. You could always drop a few hints, such as your favourite flowers and chocolates and see if gets the message. Also I think it's important to show him some nice gestures too so it doesn't feel one sided

Why do flowers and chocolates = 'effort', but being caring, thoughtful and listening don't?

To me chocolates and flowers seem totally cliche and would kind of repulse me tbh as so lazy and unimaginative. Unless v special, wild flowers/homemade something, an imaginative thoughtful thing would be far better, not just the same unthinking cookie cutter crp.

I suppose i was just using flowers chocolates etc as the most obvious example. He's just quite different to what I'm used to. He's steady and I know he wants to be with me but sometimes feel I'd like to see more effort. He is very much a what you see is what you get guy. Good long term perhaps.

Two thoughts:
Google "love languages" and see how that applies to each of you...
And see what his family is like - my chap isn't a flowers/choci/jewellery type but he's always getting me cups of tea / gives me hugs when I'm sad or even (big brownie points) in a grumpy mood / will get me very thoughtful personal presents for my birthday and his Dad was also a tea-and-snack-making sweetheart. It may just be that the big picture is lovely but the specific ways to show love he picked up in childhood are just different IYSWIM.

@user447624335 I looked at that test. I'm an acts of service and he is physical touch. I'm very tactile so that should work... Let's hope he is into acts of service