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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you stayed together for the kid (s) did you part eventually?

18 replies

SBLL · 07/07/2020 10:00

Posted before. Been with DP 8 years and have 2.5 year old DD. Been unhappy for about a year due to screaming rows and him being unsupportive of my mental health, rows between our family, him going mad with me about housework, him saying I don't do enough for DD etc. I genuinely don't love him anymore. He knows this. I don't want to work it out, I'm a bit scared of him and would rather be alone. The problem is I just can't leave. He pays the mortgage and I have little money as I only work 3 days in a low paid job. I had a chat with my parents (they gave me a lot of money to help with the house deposit before we moved in) and they basically said this is real life and I had to live with it until at least my daughter was an adult. I've been through scenarios in my head but I can't see a way out and it depressed me that I've chosen the wrong man and now I am trapped with his for the rest of my life. I have nowhere to go if I did leave. So my only option it seems is to ride it out until DD is 18. Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Did you ever get out?

OP posts:

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:05

When you say staying together for the children - how are you putting your child through “screaming rows”, tension, hate etc.

This is most definitely not in interest of your child

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:06

I could perhaps understand staying together if the relationship was at the very least civilised

But yours isn’t

Original poster

SBLL · 07/07/2020 10:07

Yes my daughter hears the rows and starts shouting saying stop 😟

OP posts:

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:07

Low income and very young child

You’d get a fair bit of government financial support
Go on the government benefit calculator

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 10:08

Then you aren’t staying together for her

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2020 10:10

Get legal advice from a divorce solicitor.

Check on entitled to what benefits you could get. You'd also get CSA payments (evnetually), but don't rely on those in case your charming husband gives up work etc.

Can you re-train and/or get more hours in your current job?

Personally I'd build up my financial autonomy and a rainy day fund and leave at the earliest opportunity. Sixteen years is long time to live unhappily and it will have direct consequences on yours and your child's mental health.

Are your parents unhappily married? I cannot imagine advising my child to live in the situation you describe and tell her to lump it for the next almost two decades.

Flyg · 07/07/2020 10:11

That is awful advice from your parents, if your DD grew up and came to you in that situation would you tell her to put up with it? Of course not, no one has to spend their life being criticised and in fear of their partner.

I was in a similar situation (minus the unsupportive parents) and my OH wouldnt leave the home we shared together, most on here will advise you to try and stay in the family home so wait for their replies which im sure will come soon. But for me I had to get out so i saved a deposit and reneted a storage space and over about 8-10 months I got everything i needed for my own place and then I left. Check out what you can get on universal credit, I get that on top of my salary and it is what has made the move possible while I am still part time. T

Book to see a solictor ASAP. Start making steps towards leaving, you dont have to accept that your life is just going to be shit from now on.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/07/2020 10:18

But you will still have nowhere to go even when she's 18, if you stay and your dauther has to put up with shoting and fighting parents.

If they gave you a lot of money, there must be some equity in the house? Or are they saying they will want the money back if you leave?

stophuggingme · 07/07/2020 10:23

Your parents are not giving you good advice

I would consult a solicitor about your options as a matter of urgency. As a PP has said you will get a decent amount of support until you’re on your feet but of course that will depends upon how much money in the house is yours etc as there are thresholds for savings etc

This environment is having a bad effect in you and therefore your daughter. The fact she begs you to stop and puts her hands over her ears is enough.

Original poster

SBLL · 07/07/2020 10:24

Yes, my parents are scared of losing money and of DP getting to keep the house. They gave me a lot lot (50k) .

My parents had huge arguements when I was young (dad was occasionally violent with my mum and me and my brother) but she never left as he was all that she knew and had moved to the other end of the country to be with him. There were times that I wanted them to split up, but they didn't, and after we left home the arguments seemed to stop and they are ok now. Most women would have left though.

I'm always worries about loosing my DD. I had bad mental health issues after having her (post partum psychosis) and made a few mistakes when she was young , giving her hot milk a couple of times and I once ran her a bath that was a little too hot. MIL rang social services 😟 and is a vindictive character and if we split his family would fight tooth and nail to get custody of DD.

OP posts:

rawlikesushi · 07/07/2020 10:28

Everyone I know who 'stayed together for the children' ended up living separate lives, disliking each other and separating eventually.

I always think that you have a responsibility to try everything to fix a marriage if you brought children into it, but both parties need to want to fix it for counselling to stand a chance of working.

It sounds like you are beyond that and need to make plans to leave. It sounds as if you will be doing it without parental support initially but they might come around when they see that you're serious.

But initially you'll be on your own. It's possible, because lots of people do it. Start by seeing a solicitor to establish what you could expect to leave the marriage with, and calculating what benefits you will be entitled to. You will be surprised at how your wages, benefits and child maintenance will mount up.

It is awful for your dh too, op. He does sound awful, but he is living in a marriage where his wife doesn't love him and is only staying for financial security. It is time to protect your dc from the rows and leave.

Original poster

SBLL · 07/07/2020 10:31

Despite everything DP doesn't want to split up, we have discussed it a few times but he says things will improve after lockdown, which may be true as we won't be on top of each other but I know deep down the love is gone for me and I won't get it back.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2020 10:43

Speak to your health visitor. Be frank about his abusive behaviour.

Abusers only have power because their actions are hidden and their victims too frightened to speak out.

IWillNotNameTheTree · 07/07/2020 10:44

You need to speak to a solicitor.

If you stay in the house you will get some help from UC.

If you sell the house would you have enough to find somewhere else?

Isthisfinallyit · 07/07/2020 10:48

You need to choose between dissapointing your parents or fucking up your daughters childhood and possible future relationships. Which is more important to you?
You need legal advice. I doubt that he'll get to keep the whole 50k.

DonutDolittle · 07/07/2020 11:03

Staying together "for the kids" resulted in my uncle and auntie becoming swingers, getting into drugs, and ruining their kids lives. My cousin found a video of her father filming her mother and another man having sex.

They were both amazing people before they put their marriage above all else, including their own mental well-being and their children.

overlooker · 07/07/2020 11:17

Ok. Firstly, I have friends who work in social services. They are dealing with cases where the kids are taken away due to sexual abuse. Your MIL doesn’t have any sort of power over SS and she has no rights to your child. SS are clued up. Don’t you think they know about this stuff? They know when a relationship splits up that suddenly accusations are made? Don’t you think they’d be asking her well why are you making this complaint now. You are letting fear ruin your life. You want out. Most of my friends have split up with their partners. It happens every day. This won’t be the first or last. You aren’t ruining your DD life by not wanting to be with a weird bloke you don’t love anymore. Start to dial down the emotion and the fear and start to look at the practicalities. The positive is that at 2.5 your DD won’t know any different so you are actually doing the right thing by splitting now and not waiting until later. It’s harder the older they get. Do it now. Is the house in your name too? Are you married?

GingerFigs · 07/07/2020 11:55

Please don't stay in this relationship, the fact your child is shouting "stop" during your arguments is really sad and shows how mentally distressing it is for her (and you). She will not thank you for staying together when she's older.

Speak to a solicitor (lots do 30 mins free), CAB, and check what benefits you would be entitled to and GET OUT!

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