Ex abuser got new gf i am in so much pain rn

[CatwomanXD]

I heard on the grapevine my ex narcisstic psyco gas lighting love bombing abusing ex has got a new gf. OMG it HURTS SO BAD.
I know how vile he was and the abuse I went through and the pain to escape. But why the FK do I feel such pain??? Advice please anyone xx

He doesn't have a new girlfriend, he has a new victim. He probably made you feel that all the abuse was your fault and you'll twist yourself in knots wondering if he's treating her better and if his behaviour was all your fault.
Newsflash, it wasn't, it was his fault. If this new victim has stronger boundaries than you, you might soon hear that she has left him. If you don't hear, you'll know she's probably suffering the same mental anguish and torture as you.

I think if you miss someone that abused you then you need to at least consider therapy.

What about him do you miss that is causing you such pain?

I would focus on feeling sorry for her OP. Her life presumably has just got worse and her self esteem must be low to have been interested in such a person. Hopefully she will work out what he is and be able to leave.

Abusive relationships hurt us very deeply and can throw up emotions long after the event. I think it is a symptom of that more than anything. I'd consider counselling if you haven't already, talking it out can be helpful in understanding why you feel the way you do. It doesn't mean you want him, you were right to leave, he sounds like a worthless prick.

It's because you loved him. Just make sure you never go back to that POS. You deserve so much more.

Like a PP said. He has a new victim, not a new girlfriend.

This time will pass. You hurt because you loved him. Don't ever go back to him. You know your worth. What you are feeling now will soon change and you'll actually feel sorry for the woman. I know I would.

narcisstic psyco gas lighting love bombing abusing ex
Could've written these exact words myself, as could so very many others on here.

It took me a long time to stop feeling things which I knew weren't logical, reasonable or healthy in any way. It's because they make you feel so high up on a pedestal- then once you see through them,they know you won't believe their fabricated version of themselves any more. So they bring you down to make you feel like shit. Just how they feel about themselves inside all the time.

I pity my ex's wife now. Narcissists genuinely never change. They can't.

Please, please get some help if you can so that you waste as little of your precious life caring about this man as possible.

He'll NEVER be worth it.

By the way, mine moved on surprisingly (not surprisingly) quickly- married within 6 months of meeting her. Before she got the chance to see the real him (have to say I spotted it straight away, so god knows why I stayed). Wish I'd known about mumsnet then.

But my point is- I GUARANTEE they are not happy. It's just a foregone conclusion.
So if it helps- just know that about your ex too. (But don't make the mistake of thinking you could be happy with him ever). Noone can be.

He doesn't have a new girlfriend, he has a new victim

Exactly.

@Lalaloveyou2020

He doesn't have a new girlfriend, he has a new victim.

Love this. How true these words are. You are the lucky one that he is your past and not your present OP.

He doesn't have a new girlfriend, he has a new victim.

This is so accurate and relevant which is why we're all repeating it.

He's going to make her feel exactly how he made you feel.

Yes it hurts and that is a very natural reaction OP. It's so hard and so complicated..

Bad relationships can be like a drug and the withdrawal effects are why it's so hard to leave. Seeing them with someone else can trigger some of the same feelings.

Try to do something special for yourself and celebrate that he's not abusing you any longer.

It feels so bad because

You were deeply bonded to him, it was a trauma bond but it still hurts when you lose it. It's a complete emotional headfuck, but it's real.

You know they are at the lovebombing stage and remember it and miss it. Just because it was a lie to him, doesn't mean it didn't mean the world to you. When you think about her, feel pity for her, she was you once upon a time and this guy is dangerous.

You were addicted to him. This is like someone on heroin see the last truck full of it leaving town.... It'll hurt for a while but soon you will be so relieved it left because you will get you back and who needs heroin?.

A part of you maybe wonders... Was it him? She loves him..... Maybe it was me all the time? ..... Be reassured it was always him.

This is good news, and one day you will see it. I'm so sorry. If he follows the narc trail he will display his wonderful life... Dont look for it, there's nothing good for you there.

@Windmillwhirl

I think if you miss someone that abused you then you need to at least consider therapy.

What about him do you miss that is causing you such pain?

How naive can you be? Clearly no understanding of relationships and dynamics of feelings.

You are no doubt wondering what she has that you didn't.
Will she change him and make him happy?
Will she get a good version of him that you didn't?
NO NO and NO again.
He won't ever change.
He will do to her exactly what he did to you.

Well done on getting out OP.
I've no idea why so many of us fall for and love narcs. But we do.
We can't just switch off those feelings because they are abusive fucking assholes.
Of course it hurts.
It will for a while.

You're out. She is in. Be thankful he has a new victim to work on.
Be kind to yourself.
This too shall pass (eventually!)
(((HUGS))))

Thank you everyone for this.
It is unexplainable why it would hurt so bad it doesn't make sense. I will never ever go back to him. Because I know the hell I have been through. But I guess I miss the 'good times' whatever the realism of that is.
Yes she is a victim too, but weirdly, she was his ex gf before me!!! wtf.
Then it gives doubts in my mind like I imagined it all...
I am in therapy. I am in support groups and anxiety courses as I have CPSTD and GAD and Social Anxiety all because of him. I have read the freedom programme book too.
I have to go on yt to watch things about narcissists to make sure my head doesn;t go back into the trance foggy place where I don't feel I am in reality. From what I have researched this is part of being gas lighted.
I suppose what I have to be grateful for is that his attention is no longer on me but his victim. I want to feel sorry for her. But I don't feel anything but selfish pain.
Thank you all though for helping x

btw I escaped him just 10 weeks ago

I've had this and it's part of the healing process. I don't care about my ex any more. Look at him and feel nothing. He did it to the one before me and it was cathartic to talk to her. He did all the same things to both of us. He'll do it to the next one. Once you've been through time and healing you won't care about him. Have you done the freedom program and read the Lundy Bancroft book? They helped but mainly it was time and appreciating all the things I can do now he's not in my life. Simple stuff like eating food or going to the toilet without getting abuse.