Self esteem

[TicketToTheWrongFilm]

I’m putting this in relationships as it’s having an effect on almost all my relationships right now.

I’m divorced (amicably) and would someday potentially like to meet someone else. The problem is that I feel unattractive, too old (I’m 47!), boring, selfish and ugly. Now, I may well be some of these things but it seems pretty obvious to me that I have poor self esteem.

What do you think is the best way to address this? In-person therapy isn’t a great option right now because of coronavirus (perhaps in the future?), but I’m very open to trying online and self-help options. Or do I just forget about it and try online dating or something anyway? I have the feeling I’d be eaten alive!

I feel like a mess both physically and emotionally but I also feel a burning desire to move forward with my life, to move onwards and upwards, to feel better about myself, whether that’s with or without a partner.

Most/all therapists are offering therapy via video or phone. I think most forms of therapy are pretty much equally good via video/Zoom (Zoom is easy to use even for me) as in the flesh.

I found the way to boost self esteem was to act in a way that affirmed my self esteem. I would affirm this by blocking if I wasn't happy with how someone acted towards me etc.

Blocking/going no contact with wankers and people who didn't treat me well was a massive boost. It can make you feel really good. I did it for 'friends' as well as prospective partners/lovers.

OLD might help you do this by giving you opportunities to go no contact and block people who don't act acceptable towards you, are sleazy etc.

Just keep your wits about you and block at the first sign of any red flags.

Up to you if you feel able to do this yet without it ending badly. Otherwise you could try it with unpleasant friends/acquaintances.

OLD is a lion's den and I would hold off for the time being.

Suggestions for rebuilding self esteem:

1. Positive self affirmations
2. Counselling
3. As the previous poster suggested, practising self care and keeping people who chip away at you, away or low contact. Assertiveness.
4. Mindfulness
5. Yoga, keep your body strong and it makes you feel good about yourself

You can try BACP for a counsellor.

Im curious that you used the word 'selfish' to describe yourself. That's an odd way for anyone with low self esteem to describe themselves - unless - someone else had put that idea into their head.

Have you had unpleasant sorts in your life op? Unsupportive parents, frenemies, cold and cruel ex partners? Ect..

Maybe try writing out a list of all the ways in which you are NOT any of these derogitary words you are using against yourself.

Oh and - your needs matter. It doesn't make you selfish to take care of and look out for yourself.

Have you had unpleasant sorts in your life op?

I have. I also have a diagnosis of social anxiety. I’ve come a long way with that but I do feel weird, odd, unlikeable.

You would probably find me quite confident and pleasant if you met me, at least at first. People do tend to go off me though. I’ve never figured out whether I have ASD (I have definite characteristics) or I’m just a bit odd or it’s the social anxiety telling me nasty things. And/or I’m just very socially awkward. I’ve no idea. I feel such a mess though, on every level. Completely socially adrift and confused.

As per PP, red flags could be:

• crazy making of exes
• uninvolved in DC lives
• sexism
• any controlling or coeersive behaviour of any kind - emotional, financial, sexual, etc
• love bombing
• dishonesty or under handedness
• financial opportunist (cocklodger)

Sure there's more, but this is just an idea.

Wrt self-esteem. Some ideas:

• Take up a new hobby or two.
• Watch films and TV series.
• Watch travel programmes and documentaries (would say travel, but that wont be easy under current circs).
• Read up on interesting topics.
• Make some positive changes at home: redecorate, work in your garden if you have one, etc
• Go on to the style and beauty board for some tips on how to overhaul your wardrobe, and flattering hair styles/looks.
• Make small changes to your daily routine - diet, exercise, make up (tinted moisturiser, a bit mascara and lippie that suits can work wonders). Ditto matching lingerie.
• Write a list of your standards, boundaries and expectations in a relationships.

Think about how you would like to be and how your happy life would be. Make a mood board of images that depict that. Then make a plan to get there. Travel, a dog, a better job, dancing, belonging to some kind of team/choir, fresh cut flowers in a clean, attractive home, home baking, time in the garden, yoga, stylish clothes. Whatever you aspire to is what you should plan for.

Your're not too old, there will be plenty of men the same age and older.
Being selfish isn't such a bad thing, you know what you want!
You could improve your appearance to make you feel more confident, new hair do, excercise can boost your mood and make you feel more engergic.
Don't think social anxiety is bad or weird, with the right man you will click and get on well with. As others have said quickly ditch men with any red flags and that aren't making you feel great.

Hope you get some good advice. I’m watching this with interest as I feel I need to also work on my self esteem

Also watching and hoping to see what others do, knowing I need to work on my self esteem . Noting in particular the comment about many men also of the same age but feeling there’s such a double standard around aging and gender and it’s not just media with all the old dudes partnered with much younger women . Not dating myself but hubs gets mire and more pos comments with age ie that shirt looks great on you , your salt and pepper hair suits you etc. meanwhile I workout do hair etc and get tokd I look tired lol ( also meditate regularly and get plenty of sleep lol )
Also disheartening to hear how many gfs who are dating come across those men the same age who refuse to date any woman less than ten years younger .
Sorry op . I def believe there’s someone for you please don’t get me wrong , I know self esteem needs to come from inside whether single or partnered but there’s definiately double standards that make it much harder for women imo