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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He always has an answer....always!

14 replies

lowdownandout · 06/07/2020 09:43

A few days ago I mistakenly shared my bank details with some family members.
It was quickly remedied and I wasn't worried at all.
My DH however not at all impressed and told me his opinion.
One of my adult children told me that as he walked away he called me a "f... ing idiot."
This kind of thing is a regular occurrence.
Yes, maybe he thinks he can't be heard and when I have mentioned it on past occasions he has the usual excuses such as "I thought you had bad hearing?" or "you are spying on me"..
So is it ok to be insulted when you're not supposed to hear?
He also shouts and swears at me when I can hear it too!
There is another thread on relationships at the moment about this kind of behaviour.
I usually end up being very emotional and crying.
He promises he wont don't again but he always does.the other day he told me I was too over sensitive and like everyone else nowadays taking offence at everything!
As you can imagine I am always doubt and asking myself questions.
He has an answer for absolutely everyrthing

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2020 09:59

He has thoroughly ground you down by his abuses of you and in turn your now adult children who have grown up seeing all this heaped on you as well.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Why are you still with him at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. There must be something that keeps you with him so what is it?.

LesNanas · 06/07/2020 10:01

OP, it is perfectly normal not to be OK with someone swearing at you, and the only reason you don't realise this is that he has normalised verbal abuse to you.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/07/2020 10:21

So he thinks you should tolerate verbal abuse? Because that’s what this is. He is supposed to love you.. would you speak to someone you love like that?

MyOwnSummer · 06/07/2020 13:26

Yeah, he's being a disrespectful prick in front of your children. Classy!

Time for a massive boot up the arse.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2020 13:28

Time for your adult children to speak up. I wouldn't like to think my children would put up with that.

overlooker · 06/07/2020 14:24

Has he always been like this? Does he never make a mistake? It’s very hostile and nasty. Why are you staying with him?

ravenmum · 06/07/2020 14:39

he told me I was too over sensitive and like everyone else nowadays taking offence at everything!
Everyone else he meets takes offence, does he mean?

"Are you spying on me?" isn't an excuse or an answer. It's an attempt to divert attention away from his rude behaviour, but making out that you have done something.

This isn't a relationship, is it? It's a fight.

Bunnymumy · 06/07/2020 14:40

Basically he is a horrible person.

It's abusive.

The 'you're oversensitive' bs after treating you like shit, also falls under gaslighting.

How fast can you leave/boot him out?
Dont waste another second if your precious life with this nasty bully.

MrsAJ27 · 06/07/2020 15:34

What an arse! He is completely dismissing your feelings to justify his behaviour!

He sounds like a horrible little man, do you even want to stay married to him?

lowdownandout · 06/07/2020 20:32

No I don't want to stay
He has ground me down, he makes me feel guilty and in the wrong. He has had many chances, he has made many promises.
I've had enough and have completely withdrawn but not actually physically left yet.
This has gone on for many years

OP posts:
Dery · 06/07/2020 20:36

@lowdownandout

I think you have your answer. You want out and it's clear why. What help do you need to take the next steps? Perhaps the information at this link may be helpful:
www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

bitofasleuth · 06/07/2020 20:40

Make firm plans to leave. DON'T tell him. Just go.

lowdownandout · 08/07/2020 00:35

He just said sorry .... again...

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 08/07/2020 07:26

This was one of the reasons I left my ex. I remember coming home to pots in the sink from the previous day and he'd been off work. I said really nicely, is there any chance you could wash the pots before I get home, just so I can start on tea straight away. His response 'well I hoovered the other day'.

It might sound really trivial, but anytime I asked him anything, even if it was just a polite ask, he'd have an aggressive response. There was just no need. It was exhausting

I'm now married to someone who's response would be, 'yeah, no problem' without even a thought to it. I still find it refreshing 10 years down the line.

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