Why? Trigger warning sexual abuse

[Theodoreb]

I have been victim of multiple rapes by multiple people.

I have serious mental health problems, biological mostly. Anyway I won't let someone I don't know so much as touch my hand while passing me a lighter. Which would seem a normal reaction for a severe sexual abuse victim.

Here's the part I don't understand I have sex with a close friend whom I trust 100% and what troubles me is our sex is a little dark (my choice not his) I prefer being submissive and like things like strangulation and being tied up but only with my friend who I trust. I just don't understand why I like this? (And it is solely for my benefit he likes feet which doesn't bother me we both see to each other's fetishes) why would a severe rape victim find this arousing? Is there still something fucked up in my head?

Anyone got any answers? Am I just sick?

Sorry op you went through so much in your life. I think and I'm not an expert that sometimes people reproduce these types of scenarios because in your head you have the control this time, you rule and you are strong you aren't longer a victim, it is your choice

So sorry you’ve went though that OP. Years ago I was sexually assaulted so I can sympathise. I think you like choosing to be submissive which is 100% normal! You feel in control and that brilliant, you trust this man so please please do not think you’re sick. You are definitely not! X

It makes you feel in control, which is something rape takes away from you.

Hello OP... I think and like the previous poster, I'm also no expert .. that perhaps it's more about your feeling safe you have trust and feel confidence in the person you share these experiences with ...

I’m the same OP. I’m the victim of rape but like being submissive, only with my other half. I think it’s because I’m choosing to be submissive?

Hello OP, were some of our very first sexual experiences abusive ones? If so I have been assured by therapists they this can often translate to you type of situation. The mind and body can end up associating arousal with the negative feelings or fear or humiliation. Please don't hate yourself for it or think it is wrong in some way. If you feel you want to work on unpicking the association then that can be done. If I can, I will find a passage in a book I have he addressed this. I'm not sure if I still have the book though. I will try my best.

Another element could be that it is your way of gaining some control. To almost relive the experiences in a setting where you feel safe (which presumably you do with this friend).

On a final note though, sexual assaults can leave people with very blurred boundaries, are you absolutely sure that this friend is kind and safe?

Hello OP, were some of your very first sexual experiences abusive ones? If so I have been assured by therapists they this can often translate to you type of situation. The mind and body can end up associating arousal with the negative feelings or fear or humiliation. Please don't hate yourself for it or think it is wrong in some way. If you feel you want to work on unpicking the association then that can be done. If I can, I will find a passage in a book I have he addressed this. I'm not sure if I still have the book though. I will try my best.

Another element could be that it is your way of gaining some control. To almost relive the experiences in a setting where you feel safe (which presumably you do with this friend).

On a final note though, sexual assaults can leave people with very blurred boundaries, are you absolutely sure that this friend is kind and safe?

It does make me feel more in control and I know 100% if I say stop he will, I think it could be getting over my fear with a person I trust.

Hello OP, were some of your very first sexual experiences abusive ones? If so I have been assured by therapists they this can often translate to you type of situation. The mind and body can end up associating arousal with the negative feelings or fear or humiliation. Please don't hate yourself for it or think it is wrong in some way. If you feel you want to work on unpicking the association then that can be done. If I can, I will find a passage in a book I have he addressed this. I'm not sure if I still have the book though. I will try my best.

Another element could be that it is your way of gaining some control. To almost relive the experiences in a setting where you feel safe (which presumably you do with this friend).

On a final note though, sexual assaults can leave people with very blurred boundaries, are you absolutely sure that this friend is kind and safe?

Sorry for the multiple responses

@Hotwaterbottle I was taken by my mothers boyfriend for a week when I was 8 I don't remember it all and tbh I don't want to but I remember enough since then I've attracted abusive men. Then since leaving my last abusive boyfriend 4 years ago I've been exploring I guess with a friend I trust.

Being tied up allows you to feel no responsibility for what is happening, and at the same time feel safe because it is your choice.

It's possible it stems from trauma, but it's also possible that it started earlier than that, whit the way you were brought up. I was vulnerable to abusers for many years because I was brought up to please, not to make a fuss, and to have no personal boundaries. I had no sense of self, it was all about my parent.

It's also possible that you need intense scenarios to feel anything. You've cultivated a numb shell as a protective mechanism, and only intense behaviours break through that shell.

It is quite common for abuse victims to exhibit this type of sexual behaviour. So no, you are not sick and there is nothing wrong with you.

You could have some therapy to unravel the whys of it if you want to.

I'm not an expert but it could be that you've had such barbaric experiences that you are kind of numb, you need a more intense sensation etc in order to hit the spot.

The bondage, strangulation etc could also be symbolic that you trust your friend, and that trust enables you to let go.

Just please don't do anything you don't want to do. xxxxx

Sending you big virtual hugs and strength. Those awful things should not have happened to you.