Hello mumsnetters, I apologise in advance because this is going to be a long and probably frustrating one for some. I would like to add that I know all my mistakes and I have hated myself so many times and I dont need any ltb comments as that has already been done. I just need some input and advice on how to move forward as I am struggling mentally...anyway here goes.
I have a 7 nearly 8 year old and was with his dad basically through my twenties and all he has done is cause me so much hurt and pain. It's so historic that I literally look in the mirror and ask myself how did I even allow it to get this far? When I fell pregnant he didnt want my son, he was verbally abusive and just didnt want to be involved (I wish I walked away at this point) eventually he slowly got more involved and by the time my son was born we were basically together as a family.
We was so fresh into our relationship that neither of us really knew how to act with each other but I tried I really did. He continuously cheated on me and I just let it go because I felt like I forced him into the relationship and family life and I was so young and stupid!
Years go by and he got better, we loved each other (or at least I did) we moved into a bigger house and was a proper family, I was so integrated into his family it became the norm to always be around them, it was normal.
As time was going by things were getting bad between us, he constantly had messages from girls on his phone, he was never at home, always out with his friends or staying away from home for weeks, this carried on for ages and I hated it, I hated myself, I felt stuck because I was so deep in with his family I felt like I couldn't leave. I worked full time and paid for all the childcare etc and done all the picking up dropping off.
He was lazy, never worked, never helped out around the house, was mentally and verbally abusive, was never around for any kind of emotional support. I felt alone but not once did I cheat or even so much as look at another man. I, for some reason, was so in love with him. I dont even know why? My family would ask me what is it you see in him? And I just couldn't answer, I just felt it. I believed he had good in him somewhere.
Anyway, this went on for some time and I became so in myself that I lost sight of who I was, I was such an angry person. Many many times he left, came back and each time he would say his sorrys and each time I let him back. I ended up so mentally drained that I became suicidal and ended up being sectioned. He didnt answer my calls or come and see me once, he used that as an excuse to call me crazy. It hurt so much.
When I left the hospital I went home and just felt like it was all a different life to me now, he started to stay at home a bit more and be a bit more supportive but that lasted about a week!
I still stayed. I had nowhere to go, no other support, no savings, no hope. In the same year my dad passed away from alzheimer's and my sons dad couldn't have been less supportive, he went out the night it happened and didnt even come to the funeral with me.
About a month or so after this I had some money that my dad left me and I had so many plans to sort my life out with it, but sons dad suddenly became my best friend, I bought him a car, gave him money and just generally spent the money. I was so far gone into my mental health that I did this to keep him around. Money went so did he.
We argued for months and months and he would come in and out the house whenever he wanted to, one night we had one of our nephews over who was only 15, sons dad was smoking weed in the living room next to him and I told him to get out the room because nephew is a child and not to smoke around him. Tensions were already so high that it escalated into a huge arguement and he hit me in the face in front of my nephew and my son.
That night I called the police and he left the house. The next day I got blood results back from the Drs I was waiting for and I had an STD (bearing in mind I have not gone with a single person since my son was born) this was the last straw for me and I called womens aid and arranged to go into a refuge. I felt I had no choice, I had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to. I lost all my friends because of him.
I packed my bags while he was out and me and my son left for the refuge with literally a bag each. I was so scared, I told no one and I honestly thought he would find out and get to me before I left. I moved to a complete different county. I am from London, proper city and moved completely rural with a mixed raced son. I was scared about everything.
The first night at the refuge and it was like I was in someone else's life, I just couldn't believe it was real. I kept thinking I should just go back, it would all be alright if we talk like we usually do, but then it never changes anyway. The police were calling me and I was ignoring it, my sons dad had told them I kidnapped our son, I thought they were going to arrest me and take my son.
I was in the refuge 6 weeks before I had any contact with him. In that time he had sent me email after email. First they were abusive, then they were sorrys, then they were promised. I went through every emotion and I couldn't do anything for ages, I slept and didnt eat. I thought I would never get a life back because how could I? I was so depressed, I've never felt that low in all my life and now i was even lonlier with not a single person around me.
I made friends in the refuge and I think I made the wrong ones because they were hurting just as much as I was and they were in the same position and whenever we spoke as a group we all sort of wished to be able to get things right and it made me want to speak to my sons dad even more. I ended up contacting him.
Now here is where I have the biggest most stupid failure and regret of my life.. I agreed to give him one more chance. I still loved him so deeply even after all of it. I'd hoped my leaving and shocked him into a better person. I rented a place in the new town and he moved in. Please dont tell me how stupid I am, I already know this. I failed as a mother as a woman. And I still made an even worse decision than this one.
Things were good for about 6 months, then the messages to girls started again, the arguing. We decided to separate before it got worse. He moved out to the next town over and I carried on with my life. It was good, I had a full time job, I made some amazing friends, I was living again. I honestly couldn't have felt happier.
He still came to see our son and we was getting on alright, no arguing, having a laugh etc. This carried on for a year and it was all good. In that time he begged for me back over and over and I stayed strong and genuinely didnt want him back. Christmas eventually came around and he was meant to spend it with us but he said he had work, over that holiday period I realised how alone I was. All my new friends obviously had xmas with their family and I was in this rural town on my own and that was one of the worst xmas' because I had just me and my thoughts. Dont get me wrong i still made it fun for my son but there is only so much you can do.
New years eve came around and i got a call from my sons dad and he said how much he was missing us as a family and how he wished it was different now that he has grown up and matured etc etc. He asked us to move in with him in the town over as it was more of a city and theres more about etc.
Biggest regret number 2 I went....I am so ashamed of myself and writing it all down is making me feel so embarrassed and deserving of all my pain.
Anyway a year on and it turns out he was sleeping with a girl from this town the whole time and while I was at work he was seeing her. He bought girls to my house and messaged loads all kinds of things. I have cut ties completely. I know it may not be believable considering my track record but I am a lot more wise now. Written down the timing seems close together but this has been over years and growth has been my biggest achievement.
My reason for posting is this.. I am in this town now completely on my own, I havent made friends here, I work full time and do ALL of the child care and pay for it. He is very dismissive of how he has treated me and seemed to just get on with his life like he hasn't a care...I know why. He has no respect for me because I've had no respect for myself all those years by keep going back. I know this. My thing is how do I just get over it now, I mean the hurt, the pain, the complete lack of feeling for me when I have been through so much just to be with him? I am struggling mentally with all these thoughts. No one can tell me how much of an idiot I have been, more than I tell myself. I have the most regrets and now literally nothing to fall back on. I am so alone, i feel so lonely, i have done for years and I've lost all my dignity all my self respect and I dont know how to get any of it back. I dont know how to move on from the lies, the betrayal knowing I put myself in it.
I know this is such a long post but I needed to write it down somewhere. I needed people to read it because I blame myself for so much. I contemplated suicide today because of how low I feel. I get times where I'm fighting myself. I just cant live like it anymore and I feel like it runs so deep now that we are BOTH the problem and he will stick to a recent event whereas I have all of this in my mind. I'm going crazy and i dont know what to do for the best. I see no way out of this life anymore. My own fault, my own doing, my own decisions.
Thank you if you did read this all.