Sick with worry

[Dave181]

Hi. Two days back I found out my wife is having an affair with a work colleague half her age. I had noticed a few things over the past month that concerned me and finally followed her the other night. I was hoping it was all in my mind but there they were, I know the guy/kid he swears nothing had happened but I just don’t know. My wife initially said it was their first meeting but when I told her of the other time I was aware of she then said that it’s been twice. I’m devastated, I love my wife but now I can’t get this image of them out of my head. We have talked and although my first thoughts were for her to leave we have now decided to work this out and stay together. My wife said that she was feeling ignored and that this guy was showing her interest, she said that she was flattered as she’s in her 50’s and he was half her age. She tells me she doesn’t find him very attractive but he was nice to her, she says that she doesn’t even really known why it happened and that it won’t again. They work together (with others) and they are working today as I write this. She’s told me not to worry and that she realises now the pain she’s caused me and the kids. She’s told me to trust her but after all the lies I don’t think I ever will. On Friday before she went to her “friends” for the evening I asked her twice if there was something we needed to talk about and on all times she talked me round, she even FaceTimed me from her friends house, I found this odd but then I found out she left soon after. So many lies. I feel sick with worry. My wife’s keeps telling me nothing had happened, they had only kissed once and that they just talked. Because nothing has happened she feels that it’s not a problem, I don’t understand why she is say this. In my mind something eventually would have happened, if not already. The pain is the betrayal, she tells me it would never had gone anywhere, but then why bother? Why meet more then once? To make matters worse only last year this guy who’s only just older then my daughter, asked my daughter out, she declined and now he’s moved to my wife. My wife and I have had huge issues over the past few years but I do love her and don’t want us to separate but she is being to matter of fact about this, her flippant “he’s nothing to me” means that it could have been anyone, this hurts more. I’m not sure what to do

Have you actually made peace with accepting what's happened?

Why do you want to forgive her?

I think counselling for yourself as an individual and as a couple would be best going forward.

Will you ever be able to trust her again?

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

You are the one making all the effort here, and that is not the way it would be if she was genuinely remorseful.

Why would you trust a proven liar and betrayer?

Check out this link - the whole site is really helpful:
www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

I’m sorry this has happened.

I can tell you that this is unlikely to be over. Very likely it’s gone further than kissing too.

He will just be a distraction in her eyes but life changing in yours.

Counselling is a must. If she declines she’s just not invested in the relationship.

It’ll make you ill worrying like this. I think you need to sit and talk properly. Can she change her job? Will she?

@Loveabitofrain
I know your probably right. What with lockdown and all I know they have only met twice and the first time was about an hour or so, I was tracking her phone (to explain she has a drink problem and would often storm off out after drunk rows so I used this as a way to find and get her back, it doesn't excuse it but that's why it's still on) I'm not sure they can do much at work as it's to public. I'm just not getting the remorse, she seemed irritated last night because I raised the subject again and said that I kept "kept getting on her case" about it, she has the same attitude to her drinking, very much in denial. When I approached them on Friday night they both were just sitting on a bench, they didn't even see me coming, she was dull eyed and drunk and he was stoned. It was a desperately sad thing to witness, like a couple of addicts. My wife tells me he has a terrible life and she just feels sorry for him. The more I write and think the more I know this is over. I will mention counselling but I'm not hopeful.My kids are supporting me.

@ChristmasFluff
Thanks for the link. You know it's so hard when everything you read suggests that your in trouble. I just want some good news but I guess it's not happening for me. She keeps suggesting that because nothing happened it's ok, would be something if this was a conversation a few years from now but I can't get her to see nothing has happened yet because it's been disrupted.