In the past 2 years I have had 4 miscarriages the first one I was understandably upset but in the back of my mind I knew it was common and that most women will have Atleast one so I wasn't worried about trying again and 3 more down the road I voluntarily walked into my local mental hospital and begged them to make me better because I was so low and my mind kept beating myself up daily to the point where I just wanted it all to end and I might of done it if it wasn't for the fact that before my miscarriage I had 2 healthy children who depend on me. So I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and have been on medication and therapy since my last miscarriage (about 3 months ago) I can slowly start to see I'm coming away from that dark place but it's only been 3 months since my 4th miscarriage so it's still very raw Ofcourse. The one thing that really would get me down and thinking "why me" "what's wrong with my body" is when my friends and family have announced they are having a baby. I'm happy for them Ofcourse I really am but when I'm alone I find my self sinking and thinking about all the pictures I'm going to see and events I'm going say to attend and as much as I'm happy for them I'm still beating myself up about loosing my 4 babies. Knowbody other than my partner and a few close friends know about all 4 ! And I want to keep it that way because in a sense I don't want my friends and family to feel like they have to hide their pregnancy because im sad. I don't want to be that person. Anyway my partner of 8 years has obviously been through it all with me he KNOWS how I feel he used to speak with doctors and nurses when I was admitted with my permission and I allowed them to really tell him how I was feeling because I do bottle up that's my defensive technique. Yesterday I rang my partner and told him that I was just told that our close friend is having a baby. I just said how lovely it was for them but that was it. An hour later I was noticeably down in the dumps and would drift off Into my own sad self blaming world I go into and my partner gets angry that I'm in a mood saying "what the fuck is wrong with you now" "go on tell me" "why is your face like that" "change your face" and I just completely closed up and refused to tel him what was bothering me because if I get that sort of reaction that's what I'm going to do. I slept downstairs that night and cried that you know I can't even be upset in my own home I feel like I can't really talk to him. The next day he brings it up and we have a full blown argument. My issue being, I told you they were having a baby so an hour later when I'm noticeably down you should ask me if I'm ok n if I wanna talk about not get confrontational about MY feelings because I will close up and feel like I can't talk to you. He basically said he can't read my mind even though I had mentioned someone being pregnant that we know and I always go like it for a few days, he said from now on if I have an issue even if the issue should be clear... he's not going to ask me if I'm ok I have to go to him and tell him I'm not ok and I'd like to talk because he doesn't believe he should come n ask me if I'm ok I should just tell him. And maybe he's right but closing up and not speaking to anyone about it is what I do especially when I feel in my head no one cares and I'm all alone. I told him all I need sometimes is for you to pay attention to my feelings even by just putting your phone or remote controller down and just giving me a hug or something.
I'm on the edge with this relationship I don't know how much longer I can take I'm already depressed and down about loosing my babies I don't need a man to get me down even more but then I think which I know is stupid but again my Brain .. if I split from him I will never have the courage or strength to get with anyone else and I want more kids it's something that runs through my family big families !! I have 2 kids where as my other sisters have 4 or more. Stupid excuse to stay with someone I know but if this ends I will be alone forever and I know I will.
What do I do.