WWYD - 38w and not speaking to DM

[jevoudrais]

I contemplated AIBU but chickened out! This is long, sorry, but I would really appreciate any thoughts about what you would do in my situation. Hormones are probably not helping me at present...

I have a difficult relationship with my DM. Not a great childhood and don't speak to my DF. I always felt like DM preferred my brothers growing up. DM gets quite lonely and is unsocial. Doesn't really have many friends as she makes excuses not to go out. I find her quite overbearing at times, like I am being smothered. It's the complete opposite to when I was growing up and it just makes me uncomfortable. She has recently made a big decision and told my brothers and aunt and uncle, but didn't tell me, I found out via my uncle. When I spoke to her, DM declared that she had told me and I must have forgotten which is rubbish, she knew I would say I don't think it's a good idea and she deliberately hid it from me. No one thinks it's a good decision but it impacts me more than anybody else. DM has history for making snap (and poor) decisions and will do her best to avoid discussing them. Then, in hindsight, says she wishes she had listened to us.

Anyway, I said I needed a break as I need to focus on myself and the baby at the moment, and left the family chat group. DM can be quite emotionally manipulative and I think is depressed, but she isn't proactive to change anything if it requires serious effort, hence snap (and sometimes irrational) decisions. It's like she is lost and looking for a purpose in life. She has been asking for a grandchild for 5+ years. When we ask what she wants for her birthday, that's what she says. It really irritates me because she isn't joking, she is serious.

Coming back to now...I am due to have a c section in the next couple of weeks. My brothers say DM is acting normally and hasn't brought any of it up with them. They don't think there is a problem with what I've said/done, and support me in terms of holding out because DM just doesn't seem to see the problem.I am REALLY enjoying the freedom of not speaking to her. I feel liberated. No phone calls at random times with messages of 'I only wanted a quick chat, but you must be busy....' to respond to. No random family chat messages that I feel I should reply to in order to be polite/not get individual messages chasing me up.

I don't think I want to speak to her before I have the baby, or even immediately after to be honest. And this is where I get stuck. Deep down, I feel as though she will get in touch because she will want to know about the baby. But it makes me feel kind of used? If she gets in touch at any point between now and the baby being born, I genuinely think it will be on the basis that she wants to sweep everything under the carpet and not miss out on her first GC. I don't want to be spiteful, but I feel quite upset at how she's behaved recently (she also upset me a couple of months ago). I feel like I'm a vessel to fulfil her desire to be a grandparent

Am I massively overreacting? What would you do? I can give details of the disagreement etc but this post was in danger of being soooooooo long that I didn't go into the detail. I don't think my DM is on here, I'd feel appalling if she saw this because it would probably crush her, but I am so emotionally exhausted. I feel as though I am her parent most of the time...

"I feel like I'm a vessel to fulfil her desire to be a grandparent"

Correct

And no you are not overreacting in the slightest. Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. Such disordered of thinking women cannot do relationships at all and they don't have friends because they also do not want them.

Have a read about narcissistic personality disorder and see how much if any of this fits in with her own behaviours towards you. Has she ever apologised or even accepted any responsibility for her actions, I would think not.

She has not thought twice either about crushing you since childhood and so I would not give her any such consideration now. Would suggest too that you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes May 2020" thread and have a read too of the Out of the FOG website.

Well done for deciding to take a break from them all; keep this up.
I would continue to work on your own boundaries here (that has been probably difficult because she has basically encouraged you not to have any) and keep her as well as your brothers well away from you. Continue to enjoy the freedom. Be wary of your brothers too, can all of them be trusted here not to act as your mother's flying monkeys and give her information on you?. I think not.

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no you would not have done and your mother is no different. She is probably enabled her by your dad and certainly your brothers, all of whom seem to be far more favoured than you would ever be. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here seems to be one of scapegoat.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she will in all likelihood be a rubbish example of a grandparent to your child. She has also gaslighted you (that is truly an insidious form of pyschological abuse) and will continue to do that as long as you have her in any way in your life or that of your child's. Your child too need emotionally healthy role models and your mother is no such person.

Having a baby is one of life's very special moments and understandably, you are focusing on that.
It's completely the right thing to do.
Your mother sounds like a lost soul who needs constant validation and attention with a bit of drama thrown in for good measure. you can't change her OP. But you can change the way you respond and react.
She is an adult. Adults have to manage their expectations as well as their feelings if they are to I've happy, productive lives and it seems as if your mother has difficulties managing her expectations, managing her feelings which results in drama.
But it's her drama not yours.
If it was me in your situation, I'd go low contact. Reduce the communications to one short text or email a week and avoid social media like the plague. If you need an excuse then tell your mum and tell other family members that your doctor's advised you to rest properly and de-stress by avoiding any potential upsets.
For the sake of the baby.
You don't have to explain. You don't have to do anything except protect yourself, your mental health and your baby.

Thank you both. A lot of what you have said resonates. Feels like a lightbulb moment. DF was the obvious poor parent (alcoholic) when I was growing up, but I am beginning to realise that DM may have played a bigger part than I realised previously.

You have helped me to validate how I feel. I think I will take the pressure off myself to announce baby's arrival immediately. DH can only stay with us until she is two hours old, and I don't want all this rubbish with DM causing even more upset when I need to concentrate on my baby. It has been a long journey to get here, and this is probably my only pregnancy. I don't want my baby to have this kind of relationship with me or anybody else. I think I need to wean myself away from DM regardless of what happens in the immediate future. Low contact is perhaps the best plan in terms of the maximum contact I have over the next few weeks/months...

It’s quite possible that she values boys over girls. My mum does.

And it is also possible that you are an extension of her. You are her, and not a person in your own right, me again. So if you don’t do it her way, you can be punished.

If I was you, I would enjoy the silence, stop thinking about her (I know it’s hard Jen you have been trained to only think about her) and think about your baby and you.

In my case, when I stopped pandering to my mother I was dropped like a stone. I am ok with that and made the whole having children thing so much better.

Congratulations on your baby, and spend this time, resting and nurturing yourself.

When. Not Jen

Sometimes having a child gives you a different view of life and you might be shocked by discovery when you start questioning the past and ask “would I do that to my child?”

Focus on your baby OP. You owe your mother nothing.

Stopping pandering is a life saver- yes, you have to deal with the fall out and rift in the family, flying monkeys, being shunned, whatever.

And then comes peace. Peace with your mind, peace in your own family and relax that you don’t have to be afraid of anybody’s reaction to your decisions.

Wishing you easy labour, and lovely snuggles when they come.