Feeling suffocated and neglected at the same time

[Eldersour]

Is this even possible?
When he's at home, I feel like I can't get away from him and like he's watching my every move.
But, he tries not to be here quite a lot (pre-lockdown), our sex life is rubbish, we go to bed at separate times as he stays up until the early hours and he doesn't listen to me. I feel like I'm contradicting myself and feel very confused.

DH is also confused and doesn't understand that on the one hand, I'm asking for space and on the other hand, more intimacy.

The way to describe it is at times, it's like living with a meddling, over-bearing parent, but one who isn't very loving.

The worst of both worlds, the attention he does give you is not affirming, it sounds like it really irritates you. What does him watching you feel like to you? It sounds like you could have the ick?

And I don't think it's neglected you feel as much as lonely? Is that possible?

Yes very lonely.

I also have the ick... definitely the ick.

what can be done about the ick?

Once the ick of doom sets in you’ve had it..... ☹️

Well the problem here is that you have two opposing issues. I have felt each of the things you describe and my relationship has got over it and is strong at the moment. But it took a lot of work and we have been together for twenty years and have children together.

One of these issues has probably led to the other. I would guess it is the neglected feeling that came first ( I have no idea why, I just think that seems more likely) and then loneliness has led to resentment which as led to a feeling of "so you think you can watch me, while not giving me the attention you should , I don't fucking think so".. maybe I have felt something very similar to you... If that makes any sense at all that is.

The ick is bollocks! It’s a made up thing social media has lead people to believe is real. Look at your options in real life.

1. Talk together properly and openly - be frank but not spiteful.
2. Decide if it’s the beginning of the end and move on.
3. Stop finding excuses/justifications for your feelings. Own them and manage them, they are your responsibility.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but that’s reality. Only you as a couple live your lives. Together or alone that’s your choice. It’s difficult to create space now with restrictions etc but it’s possible. Takes effort, both need to put some in or put efforts into moving on. Good luck

I think there's lots going on here, it sounds like what you are asking for is quality time. Just being with someone in the house doesn't mean that you are strengthening any connection.

Lockdown has probably amplified this because you have little choice in what you can do. What was the beginning of your relationship like? How have things changed? How did he react when you mentioned it?

OP relationships come to an end, they run their course.

You don't seem to know what you want. You have the 'ick' but want more intimacy - what does that mean? You find him sexually repellent but want to sleep with him more?

Perhaps it's time to call it a day.

OP I believe this is possible
I feel it in my LDR at the moment
I also agree that the “ick” is not a thing.
I agree with @Squeakyjoint, can you sort my relationship problem please!

I don’t have any immediate advice to offer but I’m watching, listening and thinking it over too