Need serious help

[mrsrat]

Long story . I was a terrible mother . Very high powered jobs nannies round clock blah blah never there but when there's not there . Didn't think I could have kids . Got pregnant at 40 . Then stopped working ( retired did really well in business) and developed an alcohol problem for several years .
I realised how badly it was effecting my family and I stopped 5 years ago and haven't had a drink since . I'm currently living on my own in an air b n b a Friend can't rent out but need to leave next week partner and children are so horrific to me I think about killing myself every day and last night I tried and failed . I am waiting for a scan for suspected kidney cancer and my eldest called me an attention seeking little slut (she's 19) my youngest 17 locked the French Windows so I couldn't get into the house to go to the loo ( no/2) she sat there and watched me beg to be let in for 20 minutes . I infortunately I defected myself and she still wouldn't let me in . This is where I let myself down when she finally let me in I was so humiliated upset etc that I slapped her . I know it was wrong and abuse and I wish I could take it back but my partner just said well what did you do to make her lock the windows. She used to say that I had lost her washing and I'd find it hidden down the back of the drawers . Once she told he she didn't have any clean school uniform on a Sunday evening .I insisted there was and that I had show her where it was . I then bought it all downstairs to show her father and all he could say was well now it's all sorted .
he is now looking after the children until they move out and wants us to be together when they leave . I think I'm going crazy . This I isn't normal or is it because I was an alcoholic and I've got to take it for my bad behaviour

OP what do you need help with? Sounds very complicated.

Are you in any kind of support for the alcoholism? Group therapy, AA, therapy?

I'm sorry to hear about the suicide attempt. Here's a list of places you can try for mental health support in a crisis. (England only)

You can contact Shelter for help and advice regarding your housing situation.

I suggest you make an emergency appointment with your GP and seek help.

I think you need support for the alcoholism first and foremost. It may be that you haven't had a drink for 5 years but you are still dealing with plenty of issues.

It does sound like you (and the kids) need some therapy/ counselling to try and rebuild a relationship and to help your alcoholism and now depression. You need to really focus on yourself first so you are in a good strong place to move forward with building a relationship with them - if that is what you want of course.
It also sounds like you put them through a hell of a lot, not being around as a mother and then becoming an alcoholic, if you stopped drinking 5 years ago then that still means they were 12 and 14 which is old enough to remember exactly what it was like and how absent you were from their lives. So even though your daughter sounds like she is being very spiteful, not sure I really blame her, especially at 19 years old - she's not fully grown into an adult and hasn't had you there to guide her.