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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long term marriage. Is this normal?

26 replies

sobothered · 03/07/2020 21:25

I’ve been married for a very long time. We have kids at home. Is it normal for it to become tedious? Boring? I don’t actually mind mundane really. What I do mind though is the way my DH talks to me. It’s with a slight irritated tone 80% of the time. So I’ll ask him a question or we will be chatting and he often answers me the way I used to answer my parents when I was a stroppy teen. That kind of eye roll “yesssssss” little sigh....it’s not all the time and sometimes he has an indulgent tone, like “ahhh she needs extra help with this life problem”. I’m finding it really irritating. Nobody else talks to me like that. When I’ve said “can you not be rude” then he gets really offended. So I’m guessing it’s not intentional. It’s kicked in over the last year really (unless I’ve only just started to notice!) can anybody shed some light on this? It’s like he can’t talk to me properly. It’s really starting to get me down. I’m a really positive upbeat person and I can’t stand and don’t deserve being snapped at even if it’s not angry/snapping just slightly irritated snapping. Does anybody else have this?

OP posts:
Busybee2912 · 03/07/2020 23:55

It doesn’t sound good OP. Does he respect you in other ways?

pinotgrigiomum · 03/07/2020 23:57

The same

pinotgrigiomum · 03/07/2020 23:57

Will be watching for replies

Wearywithteens · 04/07/2020 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HeddaGarbled · 04/07/2020 00:02

It’s not unusual but it’s not acceptable.

KingCatMeowInSpace · 04/07/2020 00:05

Yes I know exactly what you mean- irritated snapping most of the time.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/07/2020 00:10

Normal is kind of meaningless. Plenty of people accept marriages that are at best unfullfilling and at worst damaging. Others have positive marriages. The ratios won't make you feel better. It's clearly getting you down so you need to decide how you might fix it. Talking openly and honestly first, facilitated by a counsellor if needs be, is probably the best option but don't rule out the possibility that the relationship may have run its course. You can't fix the relationship on your own, he needs to want to as well.

Pipandmum · 04/07/2020 00:12

Yes I see it in friends that have been married a long time. But they aren't happy marriages. Other friends treat and get treated by their partners with respect (everyone has ups and downs though).
Is there anything else going on with him? Work? Parents? Health? How do you speak to him? Try a few kind words and ask with concern if there's something bothering him. Sometimes we don't see the signs of depression or whatever in those we are closest too. If not and he's just treating you like a sub human because he's lazy and churlish you need to evaluate how you see your future.

HunkyPunk · 04/07/2020 00:17

How do you speak to him? Try a few kind words and ask with concern if there's something bothering him.

That's what she needs him to do!

PeppersYellow · 04/07/2020 00:24

That's a respect issue not boredom I would say esp if he doesn't speak to that like anyone else. Speaking from experience sadly.

itstrue · 04/07/2020 00:29

One of my New Years resolutions was to not put up with that shite. Long term marriage here too. But honesty it's not just him. I'm quite capable of being rude too.

Anyway it's made things a lot better here. I pulled him up on it quite a lot in the beginning but it also made things better as I wasn't stewing on things so they got sorted quicker.

PeppersYellow · 04/07/2020 00:30

Strangely enough my husband rolled his eyes at me this eve whilst I was talking to him. I said the exact same thing not to be so rude. He was watching TV. He would never do this to anyone else but like another poster said, we're not happy presently and bit stuck in the situation and it's unlikely to get better. You might have a chance to rescue yours if you both want to that is.

SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 00:43

It may sound strong but it's a kind of verbal/emotional abuse; not seeing you as an equal.

AlaskaSometimes · 04/07/2020 00:47

@Wearywithteens

My mother says that all marriages are like an old rug. They need shaking out now and again.

Time for a shake I think.

I love this! It’s so true.
ilikemethewayiam · 04/07/2020 02:21

My Ex started doing this toward the end. He would never have spoken to me like that before. It’s very hostile and contemptuous. It’s not a good sign. I would definitely ask him in a concerned way if there is anything wrong as you feel his hostility towards you. At least that would be a starting point.

fallfallfall · 04/07/2020 02:39

if the kids are still at home you've not been married that long ;).
it's something both of you need to work on, maybe the questions you ask him are annoying maybe he's tired of the relationship (more of a sibling type than partner type) or maybe there are other pressing matters on his mind and you distracting his thoughts (which might be sinister or equally mundane).
but no one will know unless you find a quiet time to discuss this.
personally i found things got better only once the kids left home.

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 04/07/2020 02:44

Unfortunately this saying is often true “familiarity breeds contempt”

Original poster
sobothered · 04/07/2020 03:34

@fallfallfall 20 years long enough? We had kids late into our marriage

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 04/07/2020 03:48

@fallfallfall if the kids are still at home you've not been married that long

Can't decide if this is ignorance or accusing the op of lying. I have been married 26yrs, and still have children at home.

CtrlU · 04/07/2020 03:59

I don’t think he is a bad husband or a bad person. I really think he has just gotten comfortable and complacent with you so he doesn’t really make much effort to care about how you might be feeling.

I think have a sit down and have a serious talk with him and explain it really gets you down the way he talks to you. Your his wife and after 20 year’s together you want and expect respect and for your feelings to be considered. No ifs. No buts.

fallfallfall · 04/07/2020 05:33

Kidding

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2020 08:28

@fallfallfall

Kidding
Hmm
AnotherLanguage · 04/07/2020 08:42

Can you put your finger on any unresolved/resentment issues he has elsewhere (either within or outside of the relationship)?

It is unacceptable but communication is the only way forward.

Anothernick · 04/07/2020 08:57

30 year relationship here, I've often felt exasperated with my DW and I guess she has with me, though I have probably been more successful at concealing it than your DH. I think it goes with the territory In an LTR, it's usually over small things, in my case her forgetfulness and tendency to do everything at the last minute.

But these are not deal breakers for me, just minor day to day annoyances.

I think you need to try a different approach to your DH - accusing him of being rude is a bit confrontational, if he seems bad tempered try asking if everything is OK or, if you know he is stressed about, say, work ask him if that is the problem. This should give him a clue that you have picked up on his behaviour in a less direct way.

How are other aspects of your relationship?

PeppersYellow · 04/07/2020 09:28

@Anothernick - you're not my husband are you? Confrontational is exactly what he says to me when I'm pointing out something he doesn't like. It's called being open and assertive. He's very controlling well he tries to be but I don't put up with his shit but it's draining and boring.