AIBU to ask how or if you healed your Abandonment Issues

[Namechange84]

Just that really. I’m 36 and in some ways feel like I’m about 3 years old emotionally. I’ve spent 1000s of pounds on counselling, self help books etc but still can’t shake that feeling of not being enough, not being lovable etc.

Quick Background:

Emotionally absent, unaffectionate, cheating, some times alcoholic father who cannot show any love for me and treats/treated me like I’m crazy when I have an emotion, feel hurt, say I won’t put up with being treated a certain way. He put/puts me in life threatening danger (I.e drunk driving, leaving me alone when I was a child, taking me out clubbing as a 12 year old, putting me at risk of COVID even though I’m Shielding). He has very little empathy but I do love him.

Hypercritical, depressive, violent, anxious, smothering mother. She’d hit me, say awful things to me, threaten every imaginable punishment, constantly threaten me with abandonment/putting me in care. I’m the only one of my many siblings that she didn’t abandon. She’s tried to make me into what she wanted to be and over confided in me, made me live my life for her etc. My counsellor felt the relationship was emotionally incestuous and that I was raised to be more of a “spouse” than a child.

My siblings are much older and resent me because I was the child that was kept.

I was badly bullied at school.

Only one relationship. He was emotionally cruel to me often and just played into the “not being good enough” feeling I had. He would push me away then not let me go. He’d reject me sexually most of the time and would punish me if I wore nice clothes or made an effort. I kept trying to be enough for him but he had another girl on the go and he ended up marrying her.

It was always my dream to marry and have kids but I’ve been single and celibate most of my life. I don’t feel like men are interested in me at all. I’ve done quite a lot of commercial modelling and was frequently scouted in the street so objectively, I am attractive-ish and can sell looks based products if that makes sense? But I just feel “not enough” and that if a man knew the “real me” he wouldn’t want me.

I have lots of friends and I’m good at my job and I have talents and abilities. I do a lot of charity work and I’m kind and funny with a massive heart and I’m very caring and loyal.

But yesterday, I fell apart when I realised a man I’d developed a little crush on, had no interest in me, and in fact I think by trying to chat and be friendly I was just annoying him and actually he just wanted me to shut up and be quiet (we are in an online Zoom hobby group). It just brought up all the “not good enough for anyone to want me” stuff and made me want to disappear. I’ve not even been trying to date for the past almost 6 years. I’ve travelled, immersed myself in hobbies, spirituality etc.

What I’d really like is a healthy relationship...a marriage...children of my own. But time’s running out and I still feel doomed. No one has ever wanted me. I’ve tried to just be happy alone. I’d really just like to heal.

If you’ve managed...please could you help me out and tell me how you did it? And did it take a long time?

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear you are having a difficult time OP.
The man in the Zoom group may not feel the way you think he does. I'm sure you weren't annoying him. If he realised you were interested, he was more than likely flattered, even if he wasn't interested.

I'm hoping by bumping this, someone else may read and be able to relate and help.

I think it would be great to move this thread to Relationships. AIBU is notoriously tough and you may get a bigger response on the Relationships board.

I'm kind and funny with a massive heart and I'm very caring and loyal you sound a lovely person who's had to go through a lot of pain. I would think if you've had a lot of counselling you have probably been introduced to Inner Child work. To me, not a professional, you sound as though your inner child needs lots of loving and nurturing; something it didn't get when you were young. I hope you can get stronger and realise all the things you want in life. As for the zoom guy, be like my ds and just sniff and shrug

@YouNeedToCalmDown and @MerryInthechelseahotel

Thank you so much for your very kind words. They are helpful.

Yes I did quite a bit of inner child work but maybe need to do more.

Zoom guy doesn’t know I’m interested...I just noticed that he doesn’t really give me a chance to speak like he does with everyone else and I got the feeling it’s because I irritate him which is a shame.

I posted here for traffic...I know it can be a tough crowd but I’m just hoping that some more people will have had similar experience and came out the other side with some tips. I might move it to Relationships but will wait a couple of hours to see how things go. Thanks again for replying to me.

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

You don't need counselling OP, you need therapy.

Are you still in contact with your parents?

I could have written parts of your post, and I really feel for you I’ve come to realise that therapy has helped but won’t totally solve my issues as they are so deep-rooted. What has helped is being with a partner with secure attachment who doesn’t freak out when I get anxious.

I found Alan Robarge a great help.
Loads of his stuff on you tube. Books on attachment. John Bradshaw on shame and inner child.

I had to connect to myself.
It's quite vague and I think everyone needs to find what chimes with them, but I have self partnered and am in a more stable relationship with myself now.
I know that I will always be here for me, even though I still betray myself sometimes.

It's great that you have identified these things, it means you can move towards change.

A lot of therapy OP. Agree with PP about a relationship with a secure partner, that really helps heal old wounds in my experience. Just being genuinely loved for who you are and loving yourself for who you are- that’s easier said than done but it’s possible if you’re kind to yourself.
Try to look for partners you’re not typically attracted to. Those of us with abandonment issues tend to be attracted to narcissistic types, who damage us further.

You had a poor start in life, and your post really resonated with me as had similar upbringing.
Sadly though you cant change the past but at least you are making sense of it now. Healing takes a long time, so please dont give up on the reading/ therapy find something that helps you make sense.
Its still happening for me but its a life journey really.
If I could give you any tips from my own experience, is that you are enough, just as you are. With all your perfect imperfections. Embrace yourself, like with zoom chat, dont mould yourself to someone you think others would like prefer. I spent YEARS people pleasing, and it opens you up to potential abuse, unhappiness and not loving yourself.
So that guy may/may not like you? Stop caring what others think, you will go with the negatives and devalue yourself.
I (in my 40's) stopped caring whether people liked me and became more concerned if I liked them.
Strong boundaries show self love, you cant fix, impress, or make people love you.
There are nice and not so nice people in every part of life dont take either personally.
Its exhausting and hard to compare and measure yourself like this so be kind to yourself.
One massive help for me was mindfulness and meditation too.

Hi OP look up Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. It’s a 12 step group. It’s not religious. It really gets to the core of abandonment issues by working the steps. It works on becoming your own loving parent, dealing with the critical voice inside and finding our inner child.
It’s works a look. It’s free too apart for a small contribution if you can afford it,
It’s helped me a lot. I’d previously has 12 years of psychotherapy too.
I’m finding this gets to the loss of childhood and we can feel the grief and abandonment too.
Good luck.

Thanks so much for all of this advice it’s really helping me.

I had EMDR therapy to soften the intensity of the memories of rejection etc and so lessen the impact they were having on me in so many ways. Would recommend.

Then I started getting in there first, and if people treat me badly I block 'em etc. Honestly it is such a boost. Every time you drop someone who treats you badly, you're affirming to yourself that you're worth treating well. I highly recommend it.

Have you read about Attachment Theory- it helps to understand about insecure attachments and why you may react to situations in certain ways.
Also look up Brene Brown- she has done a lot on shame. I think there is a very popular TED talk.

Thanks I would have had EMDR but my friend went really quite crazy after she had it (she wanted to murder people and was having anxiety attacks, had to give up work etc) and that terrified me and put me off. She’d been absolutely fine until the EMDR then with with each session she got worse and then refused to acknowledge the personality change happened with the EMDR. It really scared me. I know another friend who had it and was transformed but I guess I’m just really cautious. It was probably a bad therapist but I’m limited as live quite rurally so there’s only her therapist around.

I’m really good at not putting up with shitty behaviour from friends and have cut a lot of people out when they’ve behaved badly and I’d say I’m way better with my standards with friendship, not people pleasing etc.

I think this with that guy on Zoom just freaked me out. It’s like men have such power over me. I haven’t even had a crush in years and feel ridiculous being an adult woman having a crush but I feel like it was a reminder of the one relationship I have had and also my Dad, brothers etc

The thought is “I’m not enough for any man to ever love me. I get on men’s nerves. They hate me”.

I know that the best thing is a relationship with a securely attached man...but I struggle to attract anyone.

It’s like I’m doomed to be “unloved”. I feel like man repellant. Which wouldn’t really matter...if I wasn’t so into men.

Yes, I’ve done a lot of reading around attachment. Still not sure how exactly to heal attachment wounds though.

Hi, your childhood doesn't actually sound that different to mine... And my name "losing triggers" is because I am working so hard on neutralising all triggers of abandonment issues. It's a long road.

With the inner child work, I didn't get it for the longest time. I understood it intellectually but I had to spend probably the best part of a year on it before I understood it instinctively. I don't even know now if I've got it right... But to me it feels like I can access and "see" me as a child and I do what "she" needs me to do... It sounds ridiculous, I can't even believe I'm saying it, it's just stuff like I eat well because that's part of taking care of her, I exercise, I read books I like, I educate myself, I do things that are fun and good for me, but the most important thing is I'm kind to her and therefore me, I only bring people into her life (and therefore mine) that would treat her/me well.

But it's not something I think of anymore. It's natural to me. Sometimes I wonder if this is what people who are emotionally healthy have all along and that's why they make good decisions and end up in good places? Sorry. I probably don't make much sense.

Just if that's not how you feel yet maybe you need to do more work. My Counselling was a mixture of person centred/psychotherapy and CBT.

There's a book by Andrew G Marshall called the single trap which is about healing yourself by being in a relationship rather than waiting to be healed before you have one, as @ThirtyAndASmidgen touched on.

I think sometimes we can think we need to wait until we are perfect to be with someone but that's more of the same stuff that's stopping us from improving - if that makes sense.

It's a great book and it's true - the real healing comes from living and seeing with our own eyes that we are not rejected, and are ok. So choose carefully, filter ruthlessly (dickheads get dumped immediately) and get additional cbt when you are in a relationship- but don't live thinking you have to fix yourself first before you can have one.

And emdr comes very highly recommended.

Of course you can always spend 5 years or more scrutinising your childhood etc in therapy at £50+ a week. Some people do.

Thanks I would have had EMDR but my friend went really quite crazy after she had it (she wanted to murder people and was having anxiety attacks, had to give up work etc

That is really rare. It just didn't suit your friend I guess. I don't think a therapist can easily do it 'wrong' as there's not much for the therapist to do except ask you what you recalled and then you go on to the next memory etc. I can see why you wouldn't want to see her one though!

Some people are experimenting with EMDR via video during Corona, you could ask around if you feel the need.

5 years of twice weekly therapy, with me being fully invested and not resistant.

Thanks again, these suggestions are helping. I’ve had many years of counselling/therapy albeit with the same person but I feel like I do better with self help...so these book and YouTube video suggestions etc are really helping. I’ve an MA in psychology, diplomas in Counselling and worked within child therapy myself Before becoming an academic. It’s just really difficult to “do it” for yourself. But I need to try and succeed this time.

If you’ve had years of therapy with the same person and it hasn’t helped, you need to find someone else.

@NameChange84 I’m not sure it’s easy, or even possible, to heal the wounds, but we can try to accept ourselves, and avoid triggering situations and people who make us feel “less than”. The good news is that around half of people have a secure attachment style, so we stand a good chance of finding one if we can somehow break the pattern of picking emotionally unavailable ones (which may not be the case for you but is very common among the anxiously attached).

Oh jesus you sound like a beautiful person.
Our up bringings were similar and massively impacted on my relationship skills.
I agree @Bookaholic73, the same therapist is just taking your money if you've had years of no progress. I find that concerning.
I highly rate Emdr. As do many people. Your friend might have been dealing with and processing some serious shit, or the practioner was crap..

Off I go to amazon @Vodkacranberryplease

OP, you’ve had some great suggestions on here. I agree with pp that it sounds like time to find another therapist. Many therapists are now working on zoom, so you not limited to your specific area any more. Psychology Today has a directory of therapists in its site, which might be a good starting point.

IME it can take a long time to heal attachment wounds. Have you tried self-compassion work? Do you actively practise compassion towards others and yourself? You might find Kristin Neff’s book helpful.

For my own part, I’ve found a key part of my healing has related to changing my own values. With my therapist’s help, I examined my values and identified where they’d been inherited from parents etc, and went about working out what I wanted to kee and formulating my own.

One of these values is that I believe all human beings are of equal worth, and are worthy of being treated well and being loved just by virtue of being human. I also value compassion for all, and this includes me.

You also mention you’ve explored spirituality. I did this too, and it really fed this sense that we’re all equally deserving. That we all do a mixture of good things and shitty things, but as long as we strive to do better and apologise and try to make amends if we do wrong, then that’s good enough. In fact it’s all we can do. We can’t be perfect, because then we wouldn’t be human.

With relationships, it sounds like your external circumstances have been mirroring your internal beliefs. If you feel you’re fundamentally unlovable, then that is what you will unwittingly project, and others will subconsciously pick up on it and treat you accordingly. I would be willing to bet that as you learn to value yourself more, even love yourself, and see yourself as worthy, that this will change.

It can be done, and is massively worth it, so keep growing towards the light.