Midlife crisis? Or more?

[Thisisme101]

I’ve never posted on here before so please bear with me...

This feels really self indulgent and compared to some problems on here it’s really just life but I have no one else to talk to

I’ve been married 15 years. We used to get on so well and have a laugh but I’ve always felt he was the safe option. He’s a very very decent guy. I turned 40 nearly 2 years ago and since then I feel like things aren’t right. I just don’t fancy him. Simple as that. We have sex about once a month and it’s just dreadful. I put no effort in and it last about 10 mins. I feel sorry for him. He deserves more than me but he always says he loves me. I was his first girlfriend so I don’t think he knows anything else. Around the time of turning 40, work was rubbish. I had a really high pressured well paid job. And I gave it up. He let me just give it up as I was so unhappy. I do actually think I would have had a breakdown if I hadn’t. So I’m now a SAHM. I haven’t really got many friends. My husband hasn’t many either. And we never go out with other couples. I feel so isolated. Before when I was working I travelled the world. It was little bit of escapism and he worked and looked after our DS6. I felt alive when I was working away. And I liked the attention I got from other guys. I never did anything but there were opportunities and it made me feel confident about myself. My and partner just never talk. I think we’re both too frightened to open the can of worms. We have a wonderful massive house and outside looking in we appear perfect but it’s just not. My DS would be devastated. We split up very briefly 2 years ago for a few days. I didn’t get any support from anyone and the few people that did come to see me just said am I sure I’m doing the right thing giving all of this up. I caved and asked him back. I really wish I hadn’t as I now don’t want to break my little boys heart all over again. I feel like I don’t treat my husband very well but he just keeps clinging on to me. The last few weeks he keeps kissing me every time I leave the room. It’s just too much. I tell him not to but I don’t suppose I say it in the kindest way. We have just grown apart. I can’t even say we want different things as I don’t know what I want but I want to be happy. I’m just existing.

Does anyone else feel like this. Is it just a hiccup? Please someone make things a little clearer

I think it's incredibly cruel to string your husband along in this way. He deserves to find someone who values him.

From your side it sounds like it is over, especially if you were looking for attention elsewhere whilst away working.

Have you been to relationship counselling?
What do you want from a marriage?
If you could be free of him tomorrow, how would you feel?

It doesn't matter about having a massive house and seemingly outward perfect life, that all pales into insignificance when it starts affecting your emotional well-being...and I mean for both of you. By staying in the marriage and knowing full well it isn't working, you are indeed just existing. Your DC will pick up on the unhappiness. The myth of 'staying together for the children's sake' is not true. Two separate and happier parents is better than two who are in an imbalance. Your H clearly still loves you and you clearly don't love him.

The first step forward is telling him you are not happy and then it is up to you what to do next. If you think there is anything worth saving, then relationship/marriage counselling will be the way to go.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here. He all too clearly sees your reactions to each other, both spoken and unspoken.

Don’t stay together because of your son (he does not need such a heavy burden placed on him) or the fact that neither of you want to open that can of worms. You two need to talk at the very least.

I know I’m going to get slaughtered for this but..

What do I get from it? A comfortable lifestyle and yes I do know how bad that sounds and is.

I wouldn’t even know where to start. All our money is joint. I have nothing separately for myself to try and set myself up with. I no longer work and in these times it’s not going to be the easiest to get a job. I have messed things up so much leaving my old job. It suited my husband for all those years when I was earning a lot more than him to have a joint account and I had no reason to not have a joint account. On the odd occasion I get the impression he resents looking after me now even though I worked really hard for years and years. Wow I have really fucked this up.

And yes I know how awful I sound.

Can people just live together? Has anyone had any experience of that? Lockdown is of course worse and his company has no plans to bring him back in the office for the foreseeable future. He’s WFH.

You are still in your early 40s so not old nor too old to start again.

Have you not considered seeking legal advice?. You say you no longer fancy your H.

A comfortable lifestyle as well is no reason to stay with him. Is that more important then than your own or your H's happiness or even that of your son's?. Would you want your son to have a relationship like this is as an adult, you would probably say no. Its not good enough for you either.

You have a choice re your H; your son does not. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Your own paralysis dressed up as a comfortable lifestyle keeps you within such a dead marriage and your son is not going to say "thanks mum" for staying within that.

I think that it was not a mistake to have given up your old job. You say you think you'd have had a breakdown if you'd stayed. So first off, stop thinking about it with rose-coloured glasses. Leaving it was the right thing to do. I also think it was good of your husband to have had absolutely no problem with you giving up work - presumably he is now supporting you? Don't underestimate that - lots of spouses (both male and female) would have wanted you to get another job.

I think it's possible you are slightly depressed, and your lack of libido may be linked to that, or it may be linked to your age. Are you showing any signs of being perimenopausal? Is it worth chatting to your doctor about hrt? Hrt can boost both mood and libido slightly. If you won't consider that, then try the simple things that are known to help with slight depression - so exercise, and getting outdoors. I know it might sound silly but these things are worth a try before leaving what sounds like a nice man.

I also think that you should perhaps start looking for another job. If the things above don't work, or you're not prepared to give them a go - no judgement there - then you need to be able to support yourself if you are going to leave your marriage.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's hard isn't it. For me it started after having children I think, I enjoyed the escape of work and felt more alive away from home. My husband is a great guy but now the chemistry has worn off I'm not sure we're sexually compatible so it's hard to keep that side in any way exciting. I started developing friendships at work where I felt desired and enjoyed feeling a spark again and they would probably be deemed emotional affairs, so I guess it wasn't just about sex. And now I'm having a full blown affair, not in person at the moment, and I love him.

I've been going round in circles with it all for months. Am I just a bad person, do I expect too much, what's normal, what's best etc. It feels impossible. We have everything almost but the romance and sex is lacking, but then is that actually the main bit.

I think I've come to the conclusion that you either have an easy, safe relationship with mediocre sex or a passionate relationship with great sex but with problems elsewhere in the relationship. Or that seems to be my choice anyway! Personally I find it frustrating that we're largely expected to follow societal norms that have essentially just been made up. I'd like to stay together and coparent but have relationships on the side so we can can feel completely fulfilled. But I know that's not how most people feel

@Gyh863

Sounds like you’re in a very similar situation. Safe is exactly the right word. Safe/boring???

I have had an affair before. I still think of him everyday. It was fireworks. He was the exact opposite but that wasn’t right either. We argued all the time. When it was good it was amazing, but when it wasn’t it was just the worst. My husband is just so middle ground. And I don’t mean that disrespectfully. We now don’t argue, we never really talk so bringing up I want to co parent with you but see people on the side is a no go but that would be ideal!
If you need to chat @gyh863 just message me

Sounds all a bit mid life crisis to me.

You have acknowledged it yourself but I also think your DH deserves better than what you are looking giving him currently. An affair already in the bag, another would undoubtedly follow given the chance by the sounds of it and going through the motions when you have sex. Your DH probably does love you and can probably sense your indifference. He won’t make the move so you have to when it comes to ending things but you really need to see if you can mend things first. You maybe need some counselling together or apart and need to expand your social circles. These insular lives are never good unless you are really into each other. Perhaps taking up some hobbies and making new friends would give you a new lease of life.

You have left yourself very vulnerable leaving your job and being a SAHM.

I don’t know how we became so insular. I was the one always making arrangements for the group of people we hung around with and in the end I got fed up of being the only one making an effort. This was a mistake. I’m making more effort with the school mums but sometimes I wonder if we’d be friends if we weren’t parents of children in the same class. Does that make sense? Sometimes feels a bit forced. It is hard making friends at this age! Everyone seems to already have a best friend as they always mention it!

The trouble is I don’t know what I want so to even start a conversation is really difficult

I’ve always been so together!!! I feel like my big birthday was coming and I just lost the plot. Big time!!! And even now I’m so consumed with thoughts of my ex affair partner. It’s distracting and I really don’t want it. I really need to take some time off my phone and live in the present

It is ok to split up if that’s what you want but you need to be sure you would be able to manage financially and in your current circumstances it’s hard to see how you would do that. Its a bit much to expect the person who supported you when you needed to escape your job to continue to do so if you now leave him. You have got yourself in a bit of a mess with this situation. Dreaming about affair partners isn’t going to help. Rose tinted specs are always on when reminiscing about the good times. I think by the sounds of your life, it has become very dull and a new man wouldn’t solve that anyway. You need to find happiness in other ways initially.

I do understand and I would imagine your husband is panicking as he is probably more than aware of your irritation but can't seem to do right from wrong, hence the sudden clinginess.

Splitting up is bloody hard and the kids will hurt, however temporary that is. It might be the right thing to do, but if you are relying on other people to make you feel good, I don't think you will stay happy for long.

Get some counselling before you do anything. Give him a chance to speak to and see if it can be made better. I appreciate that might not be what you want to hear, but you are chasing rainbows currently. At least then, if you do split up, you can say that you gave it a good go rather than just chucking it in.

It's not at all clear from your posts whether you've EVER loved him, or EVER found him interesting and exciting. You say you used to "get on well and have a laugh". Well, I get on well with plenty of people, and have a laugh with them, but wanting to settle down and spend the rest of my life with them is a different notion altogether! Is it that you just settled, do you think? There is no mention of the word love in your posts, I don't think, not on your part anyway, this is very telling. Does that mean you've never loved him?

It really does sound like you just shouldn't have got married. I'm wondering if you just fell into settling down with Mr Dependendable to have kids as that's what the people around you were doing. And then realised that actually, a family life wasn't for you and you prefer the excitement of work and travel? There is nothing wrong with that, but I just wish peoplee would really think about what they want their life to look like before they bring unsuspecting other halves and children into the equation.

I think you sound very confused about everything, and counselling for yourself would be a good idea, otherwise if you split up, you could go out of the frying pan and into the fire, looking for something better all the time.

You sound lovely OP. You had an affair and it was fireworks - good for you! You lie back and think of England for 10 minutes once a week, to keep the old boy happy. You maintain your nice lifestyle while resenting your boring husband. And of course, he's to blame for all this.

Poor you!

Grow up!

It sounds like a midlife crisis to me OP.

I've felt similar in my 30s, been in my relationship with DH a long time, social life has dwindled since having kids, sex life has dwindled since having kids. Felt fed up and miserable with work.

There's no right or wrong answer. DH and I went through a really bad patch and there was a time when I thought we were over. The big thing I think is different between us and you is that we talked through it all. Lots of very honest and difficult talks. But we kept talking and were prepared to work with each other to make changes. You also need to work on yourself. Look at getting yourself a job and a social life. That really helped me having a life outside of being mum.

I don't necessarily think it's fair to walk away from the relationship without at least giving it a try to fix it. But that's just my opinion.

I felt the same I left I'm now getting married to someone I completely adore do it life is too short

How would you feel of you found out he was having an affair? Would you be relieved as that was your way to end the marriage? Or would you feel hurt about the betrayal?

If it's leaning to the first response....then you really need to look at how to separate and have an amicable coparent relationship.

It's clear he doesn't do it for you...but if you do split up...be sure about it and don't go back and forth.

I recommend counselling for yourself to figure things out and explore what's going on for you.

He deserves so so much better than you and this shit marriage. You clearly have no respect for him but try to find some for yourself.