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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Regretting ending my 18 year relationship - Help please!

16 replies

Jesusweptagain · 03/07/2020 07:43

I ended my relationship just over a week ago and I am consumed by it. I feel I have made a huge mistake however my ex has moved out and we have already told our kids so I feel like I can't go back! The relationship wasn't working but I miss him so much I can't eat or sleep. I also lost my parent 3 weeks ago and don't know if this is a grief reaction. I am crying all the time and all I want is to tell him to come back but I worry that will confuse the kids. Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:

Livandme · 03/07/2020 07:57

You have a lot going on and it's going to be very difficult to separate your feelings.
I don't think your partner was right for you if he moved out after the death of your parent. I'm so sorry for your loss.
He should have been there for you and the dc through this time. Says a lot about him as a person.

Somethingkindaoooo · 03/07/2020 08:00

Why did you split up?

Write a list.

It's normal to feel doubt after ending such a long relationship.

I'm sorry for your loss....

Mumteedum · 03/07/2020 08:03

You poor thing. You need some time. Have you got some support? You need to talk your feelings through with someone?

How did your dh react when you had the conversation? Either he agreed it was over and moved out as he thought it best (but that seems fast) or he was v upset and couldn't cope with staying. I think you need to take some time to deal with your own feelings and then you can start to talk to your dh. 18 years is a long time. If you truly have made a mistake, then you can talk and see. Surely if he is a good person he will understand that grief has been overwhelming.

hotblacktea · 03/07/2020 08:05

Sorry for your loss.
Why did you end it, what was not working out ?
Did you ask him to leave or he chose to ? Has he been any help at all to you or the kids during your grieving time ?

Original poster

Jesusweptagain · 03/07/2020 08:10

We hadn't been getting on for a while and probably taking eachother for granted. It was a calm conversation and he left instantly. Like a split second decision. It just feels like I'm ruining my whole life on purpose? There are definitely issues on both sides and I do feel the space has given us both some much needed clarity. I'm going to suggest having a conversation during the week to see where we are both at with it all & hope he is open to that.

OP posts:

Mumteedum · 03/07/2020 08:13

I would understand him being so upset he left but also wonder whether he is someone who doesn't talk about feelings so this has got to this point without being able to talk? Not uncommon.

I think what you say sounds good. Good luck.

FunTimes2020 · 03/07/2020 08:14

@Livandme

You have a lot going on and it's going to be very difficult to separate your feelings. I don't think your partner was right for you if he moved out after the death of your parent. I'm so sorry for your loss. He should have been there for you and the dc through this time. Says a lot about him as a person.

OP ended the relationship so why are you blaming her partner for not being there for her? There isn't enough information to make that leap.

JudyGemstone · 03/07/2020 08:19

Just because you miss someone it doesn't mean they're right for you and you should get back together.

If he left that quickly could he have been wanting out for a while?

MMmomDD · 03/07/2020 08:29

OP - you can of course try to talk and see what he thinks. However, the fact that he left immediately tells you something. A lot actually.
Maybe both of you need a break. Or maybe you are done and what you are feeling is grief over the relationship.

stealm · 03/07/2020 09:20

Even though a relationship wasn't working out it doesn't mean you won't experience feelings of loss when it ends and the person is no longer there every day. I've been through this. It does get easier.
Losing a parent is just awful - grief produces all kinds of strange reactions. When I lost my Dad I wanted my ex back because I was trying to fill a gaping hole which Dad had left. Your emotions end up all over the place. I'm not surprised you are crying all the time.
You ended your relationship two weeks after your parent died. Why as that? What is the back story? Did your parent's death bring things to a head or was it more a case of acting in the midst of grief? I know when both my parents died that I was in shock for weeks and not thinking straight at all.

Bartlet · 03/07/2020 09:24

@Livandme

You have a lot going on and it's going to be very difficult to separate your feelings. I don't think your partner was right for you if he moved out after the death of your parent. I'm so sorry for your loss. He should have been there for you and the dc through this time. Says a lot about him as a person.

The op ended it so why is he getting grief for doing as he was asked and moving out? If he hadn’t moved out instantly then people would have blamed him for not moving out and not respecting her etc etc.

user16386689775 · 03/07/2020 09:24

Grief is a natural reaction. Women grieve when they leave extremely violent men too. Doesn't mean they made a mistake to leave, just means they're human with normal human emotions.

Annasgirl · 03/07/2020 09:31

Hi OP, you are grieving the loss of both of your parents, and I sympathise with you, it is so tough to go through this loss, I was there three years ago when both died in a short space of each other. This is something you need to allow yourself to experience and it comes in waves.

You are also grieving the loss of your relationship which again is natural and normal - we all grieve the end of a relationship and the end of the hopes we had for it. And of course having lost your parents you crave the security of that 18 year relationship no matter how bad it could have been. So you are not thinking straight about how good it was - it was there for 18 years and right now, that is the most important part of it in your brain.

None of us know how you need to go on - that depends on whether or not this relationship needed care or it really should be left to end. If it was bad for you and you were deeply unhappy even before the death of your parents then you should stay apart - but you both need to talk a little bit more to end this properly so maybe he will agree to meet you to discuss all that?

I would urge you to find a counsellor and talk all of this through before you proceed.

NameChangeNugget · 03/07/2020 10:11

You’ve got a lot going on, let the dust settle. You’ve ended things for a reason however you’ll probably need to reach out to him before he gets into the swing of single life.
Good luck

Livandme · 03/07/2020 11:18

My point is that he is hardly a decent person (never mind partner) if he can just up and leave his long term partner and kids after the loss of such a close relative to the op.
Clearly he had wanted out too and I'm not about to blast the op for her decisions as I have similar experience of this.
Op you are better off without him

NameChangeNugget · 03/07/2020 12:11

I agree @Bartlet

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