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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really miss my DC

48 replies

sadnurse · 02/07/2020 22:16

That's it really. My two DC (14) have been with their dad since lockdown and I haven't seen them in person for a while. I really miss them and I'm worried that they won't love me as much anymore when this is over. I know that's silly, but I can't help it. Every time I see a picture of them I just feel jealous and sad.

OP posts:

Wannabegreenfingers · 03/07/2020 08:07

Go and see your children, absolutely no need not too.

Bartlet · 03/07/2020 08:16

Unless there is a massive drip feed that one of your children is undergoing chemotherapy, then I’m amazed that you aren’t able to look at the stats and realise that there is no reason for you not to see your children especially outside.

What do you think the danger is and what is going to change in the foreseeable future which would make it less of a “risk”?

All the doctors and nurses I know are living in the same house as their children with no problems.

Agree that this is either self-imposed martyrdom or bullying from your ex partner who doesn’t seem to possess critical thinking skills either.

lunar1 · 03/07/2020 08:28

We are taking every precaution possible to keep our family safe. But DH still comes home after working at the hospital throughout all this. Both him and my children are in the BAME category and DH has underlying conditions as does DS2-though mild in his case.

Unless they are really high risk, bring them home. You all need time together.

WhereILiveIsWhereIStay · 03/07/2020 08:31

I and all of my friends are nurses and there is no reason for you to have made this choice. Stop being a martyr and go and see your kids.

PicsInRed · 03/07/2020 08:36

Was your ex particularly controlling in the relationship, OP?

lookingatthepast · 03/07/2020 08:47

Think some of the comments are very harsh on the OP . I myself am a key worker (not NHS) and have been in contact with huge numbers of people some of whom have had the virus or been in direct contact with people who do . I am also a single parent and my ex husband refused to do any childcare. My hours at work meant my only childcare is my mother who is in her late 60s and has asthma . My children have stayed with her at her house since lockdown started. I have FaceTimed. Seen them in the garden or park and dropped off shopping etc which I have done. My eldest is a teen and has come home this week and will be attending school until end of term (he can be left at home with a key food etc ) while I go into work my younger children can’t and therefore remain with my mum. It’s a very difficult time but the alternative is that I give my job up and will end up on benefits
People are being made redundant left right and centre and I have a secure job which pays the bills. I defy anyone who hasn’t been in the this situation with very limited childcare and support to start judging other people!!

AlternativePerspective · 03/07/2020 08:51

So because it’s a mother people are telling her she made the wrong choice?

Yet there are loads of threads from posters saying that their children’s dads work in the NHS and therefore they feel that contact should stop for now and hundreds of posters agree with those. Yep, double standards abound, as usual.

Thing is, when. You’ve made the choice to stay away from your children for their sakes then it’s very hard to decide when is the right time to go back on that choice and re-start contact again.

At this point I would say that the OP could probably just tell her ex (and the kids) that she will be coming to get them tonight, but if you’re working with COVID patients there is always the guilt that you could pass it on.

NerrSnerr · 03/07/2020 09:06

So because it’s a mother people are telling her she made the wrong choice?

**
Yep, double standards abound, as usual.

Or maybe the Covid situation has progressed and although they may have understood back in April when the hospitals were full of red wards it is massively different now.

I work in a hospital and personally haven't stayed away from my immediate family I understand why some chose to a few months back.

Covid could go on for months- if you wait until the UK is Covid free you might not see your children for a year.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 03/07/2020 09:08

@Mintychoc1

Do you work in ITU all day with Covid patients? If not then I’d be sharing time with the kids as normal. This could go on for literally years.

My husband works in ITU all day with Covid patients - he still comes home to me and the DC every day, he just takes precautions.

Now none of us are vulnerable or shielding and it maybe the OP needs the childcare, but otherwise can't you have them home now? Or at least meet up with them - socially distanced if you must? Sounds very hard for you all.

Original poster

sadnurse · 03/07/2020 09:34

Yes, I work with Covid patients. There is no massive dripfeed; it is just all very hard. If we all lived together, then I might have approached the situation differently. DCs dad is a vet, so he still had to go out during lockdown (only for emergencies). That + his wife and children is just a lot of potential contacts for someone who works directly with Covid patients. I also have no childcare yet and currently work really erratic shifts, so I can't take them full-time, otherwise we might have swapped. What point is having them here if I'm not able to spend much time with them.

@AlternativePerspective precisely. DC are not being held hostage, but when is it ok to just go and have them at home for a while when everything is changing all the time. DC are teens and I want them to have a stable, safe routine with schooling and I just can't give that to them right now. I was just a bit fed up with it all last night. Wasn't aware that I was doing anything wrong.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/07/2020 10:04

Yep, double standards abound, as usual

Nope. No parent, whatever their sex, needs to do this and never did

Op, you haven't done anything wrong but you have done something un necessary.

ravenmum · 03/07/2020 10:16

So far you've been thinking about how to keep the children safe, physically. That's hardly surprising as that's what everyone has been focusing on.

Now you need to start thinking about your children's happiness. You're imagining them perfectly fine with their dad - perhaps as you are a bit afraid that you aren't enough for them or something?

But now is probably a good time to remind yourself that you are the adult, and these are your children, who want to be reassured that their mum really wants to see them.

Maybe you are used to putting your own wishes last and doing things that make you unhappy, if that's what's best for the kids. But it's not just you that will be unhappy if you stay away unnecessarily. The kids might not say or think anything now, but you can imagine them looking back later and wondering why you weren't more obviously keen to see them.

nevergoingoutagain · 03/07/2020 10:28

Yes to what @ravenmum mum said. My 13 year old has really struggled with not being at school. She's at home with nothing of us around. She needs both of us in different ways. I know she'd be devastated not seeing one of us while it's been so difficult.

Things are so wrong in their world right now I think you should make this one little thing better.

nevergoingoutagain · 03/07/2020 10:28

Obvs not a little thing but I mean easy to put right

Otter71 · 03/07/2020 10:43

Is this happening and does the ex actually see it as a good way to change the child residency arrangement for the long term? Does he prefer having them all there? What do the kids think - at 14 it should largely be their choice but obviously he has had lots of chance to poison them...

Original poster

sadnurse · 03/07/2020 11:04

@Otter71 why would he try to poison DC??

Normally they are with me for about three days a week. I speak to them and video call when I can. I have not just abandoned them.

OP posts:

Otter71 · 03/07/2020 11:17

Maybe I am just thinking of my own situation. My son believes that I am just wierd. My daughter is gradually realising that a lot of what her dad told her may be at best half truths and more commonly inaccurate...

ravenmum · 03/07/2020 11:33

No-one's saying you've abandoned them.
I'm divorced and the (grown) children live with their dad. There's no "reason" for them to come and see me. But I've met up with them regularly in line with the rules where I live, e.g. in the park at a distance of 2m. They might be young adults and very sensible, but it's still kind of nice if your mum shows she wants to be with you.

bluebluezoo · 03/07/2020 13:02

So the dad is putting his young kids and his new family above your and your kids need to see each other

Love how it’s automatically dads fault. Putting all the kids needs first, how dare he! Poisoning the kids against his ex, holding them hostage.

Obviously both he and op did what they thought best with the information they had at the time.

Patience344 · 03/07/2020 13:09

I think what you did as right at the time and now you have to change to new rules. Meet outside,wear a mask and gloves if you have to (whenever you're within 2 meters of your kids not the whole time), build up and change as time goes on. Every time the government enters a new phase then you do too.

Kittykat93 · 03/07/2020 13:12

Cant imagine not seeing my kids for 4 months in this situation. Even if they don't live with you you can meet them, just take precautions.

Flumo · 03/07/2020 13:15

We were in that position, I had the 2 children as there dad works at the hospital but after 12 weeks we started to let them go back 2 nights a week. If a proper second wave happens then they will have to stay with me again.

cantsaynotocake · 03/07/2020 16:42

I really don't mean to sound awful but after reading your replies it seems the real reason you 'can't' see your kids is down to not having time due to working long hours due to the pandemic, not because of the risks. The DCs dad sounds brilliant by the way, I'd ignore all comments being negative about him. Everyone is trying their best during uncertain times and I'm sorry you feel the way you do, I'd personally try everything possible to see the children even for an hour here and there, but rest assured this won't be forever x

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