New relationship..?

[MyBassIsAce]

What would expect a normal, healthy relationship to look like at around the 8 month mark?

Met in real life through friends, neither of us were on dating apps or anything. We're in our 40s/50s.

Have you asked him how he feels?

No. We talked about 6 weeks in when we both agreed it was exclusive (and had been from the start) and again at the start of lockdown when we decided we both wanted it to continue regardless of how long lockdown might be.

But we haven't really talked other than that. I certainly haven't asked him how he feels. I don't want it to look like I'm pushing him to say he's in love with me if he isn't. Because that's not what I want and it's not really about whether he's in love with me now or not.

He sounds lovely, you both do but I do think, from experience, that when you've had abusive relationships it's easy to fall into a pattern of settling (I mean that in the nicest way). I think it's easy to feel that because someone or something isnt abusive it's the right relationship and that's not always the case.
Sometimes two people just want different things or arent compatible long term, but abusive relationships can make you over look this for the very reason that they arent abusive.

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well and I'm not saying that's what's happened here, but I would explore the possibility of that being the case.

He does sound quite wary, and maybe he is emotionally unavailable, but you're only going to find that out by discussing it with him. It could be a mixture of his past but not wanting to pressure you into heavy because he knows what you have been through too. Again,only an honest and open discussion will tell you that.

Alternatively, while you've been together 8 months, 4 of those were spent in a very trying, strange and stressful time,so it was an extremely new relationship when the world went crazy.

That may be a factor in why he ist at the same stage you are emotionally. Just a thought.

Perhaps he's worried that you don't feel enough for him so he's holding back a bit because you are. Or trying not to scare you off.
Maybe a good talk in the near future about all this will clear it all up. Its important you can communicate things like this.

@MyBassIsAce so let me get this right...have you not said you love him or he loves you, to each other?

I'd also agree with the others that he is holding off as he doesn't want to tread too quickly. My partner said he wanted to do everything at my pace as he understood I'd been hurt in the past. Like you, I had stuff at his place before he was invited to stay at mine. He knew I was being protective of my DC (one still at home) and just wanted things to be 'right', very mindful of not wanting to over step unless I was happy. We have discussed everything openly along the way.

I think the one thing that sticks out for me in your posts is that you feel he lacks warmth towards you? Can you explain that a bit further?

I've been with my DP just over a year and we are late 40's/early 50's.

I just think everyone is different. He called me is girlfriend pretty much from the begining. The I love you's from about 5/6 month mark. We don't really talk about the future because i don't feel the need - i know he likes me and vice versa. We do talk about the future in terms of holidays.

Both of our 'baggage' is well under the water.

He met my son pretty much from the beginning (he is 18) and i have met his children. He says most weekend and a night or two during the week.

It all feels very easy.

"Not towards me anyway. He's very warm to others. Including my children."

Beware the charmer !!!
If something/someone sounds too good to be true . . . . .

I wouldn't be too happy if he said people think I'm odd

Thanks for the replies.

It was me who said people think I'm a bit odd. Not him.

I've reconsidered my 'warmth' comment. I feel that because he isnt as affectionate as I would like. But this weekend, I had a bit of an emergency and he was brilliant. Practically supportive but also offered emotional support (although it wasn't required).

No, we haven't told each other we love each other. Hes not very emotionally forthcoming generally.

He is very responsive to my boundaries so it's possible he thinks he's just taking things slowly.

Firstly, take a deep breath and stand firm with yourself. Its only 8 months and we have had the covid thing going on. Reading about how you stood back and had barriers at the beginning due to your past looks like he has respected that and isn't pushing anything. He may look at you and think you are not forthcoming too. Its such early days at the moment. It sounds like he is a lovely man, maybe not the massive emotional gunghoe man who love bombs then abuses you that you may be used to. He sounds like a gentle and genuine man taking his time and cues from you. Give it time and patience. After a year to 18 months and things aren't moving forward with open emotions and a pathway with the relationship then move on. Don't bail too quickly on him.

Sorry op but when I’ve felt like you have in the past (They weren’t as ‘into’ it as me, even when seemingly doing the right things) I’ve been right.

OP I think maybe at the start he was whatever his normal level of keen was and you (perfectly fairly and sensibly) made your boundaries clear re your house, friends, family etc which perhaps made him a little nervous of whether you felt as strongly for him, so he was patient and stepped back a little to make you comfortable.

Him doing so has allowed your relationship to progress naturally and healthily but that step backwards from him, now that you are invested and see a shared future, is being misconstrued as him not being that into it.

I don't mean this to sound like a criticism as it's refreshing you have boundaries but I think that you wanted it on your terms at the start so now it's not quite in your terms and you feel unsure of his feelings, you aren't sure how to play your role.

If you can't just ask him what he sees for the future (not a promise of marriage but that he sees you as a long term relationship and would be pleased if it worked out as that's what he's looking for) at this stage then he's not the right one IMO.

But be conscious you kept him at arms length, on your timetable, he respected that and it's a sign he has healthy self esteem that he isn't suddenly like a puppy dog now you feel strongly for him too!