Managing a relationship alongside recovery from anorexia

[realist252]

Ok this may be long, please bare with me.

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 14 and it was pretty severe - I had hospitalisations and was two weeks from death at one point. I still have ongoing physical complications as a result. I am now 30 and only managed to engage in treatment at the beginning of 2015.

Thanks to having been unwell for so long, I embarked on my first real relationship last March. At the time, I was at a healthy weight and was able to give the impression that things were fine. Over the months, I gradually and completely unintentionally lost weight (and I'm talking VERY gradually, so that it was hardly noticeable) until my boyfriend noticed at the beginning of the year and told me he was worried about me. I did not react well to this, firstly because I hadn't wanted my anorexia to become a 'thing' in the relationship and secondly because I was probably in denial about quite how obvious my weight loss was.

Fast forward six months and I have made progress with weight gain. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been having more meaningful discussions as opposed to the light and fun way we previously conducted our relationship. When I asked him what his wants and needs from the relationship were, he said that he needed to be able to rely on me to make sure I am working to keep myself healthy.

This has made me sad because, in all honesty, due to the severity and length of my eating disorder, no matter how much I work/think I am working at keeping myself healthy, I am likely to have blips. That's just how recovery works and I have explained that to him. When he said what, it made me feel like I am on my own with it and that he is not willing to support me.

I also have not met his family yet which I have questioned him about before. He has finally admitted that it is because he told them about me when we met and said that I was over all my issues and then it became clear that I wasn't and could be visually obvious to them if we met so he has avoided that because he feels like he has lied to them. When questioned about why he couldn't explain to them that he was wrong and that recovery exists on a continuum etc he basically said that he doesn't want them to worry about him having to deal with a girlfriend with an eating disorder. This makes me so upset because unfortunately this illness isn't going away any time soon. I will go back to a healthy weight, yes, but unfortunately that doesn't make the thoughts disappear.

I would like to make clear that I do not allow my eating disorder into the day-to-day of our relationship. We have 'date night' where we see each other twice a week and we take it in turns to provide dinner and dessert. I never micromanage what he is cooking/stand over him to check what ingredients he is using and I always eat everything he gives me. We go out to restaurants when they are open and we go to his friends' for dinner. On other days I stick to a meal plan that is loose but guides me as to when to eat and how much as left to my own devices I would invariably eat too little.

I know that mental illness is hard for those who haven't experienced it to understand, and I know that it's not particularly desirable to have a girlfriend with a history of an eating disorder. but I don't feel especially comforted or reassured by his comments. He has tried to reassure me by saying he still loves me etc but I am feeling unconvinced. Am I expecting too much?

No my love you are not.
I have mild bi polar, traits come up, and I get overly anxious at times, those that know and love me accept it.
I do not allow it, to judge my spending or working life.
Be strong in your recovery , and accept the blips

@Nsky

No my love you are not. I have mild bi polar, traits come up, and I get overly anxious at times, those that know and love me accept it. I do not allow it, to judge my spending or working life. Be strong in your recovery , and accept the blips

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you suffer too I feel that I accept the blips but that my boyfriend perhaps may not and may see them as him not being able to rely on me to stay well, if that makes sense?

It sounds to me as though you are doing marvellously!! You are really far into your recovery. Being able to eat something without watching how it was cooked or count calories is truly amazing.

I say this with your best intentions at heart, I don't think you are ready for a relationship yet. I would be too concerned that someone with little understanding would trigger you and I think you are still vulnerable to that.

What he is saying and doing is obviously upsetting you and you seem to be trying to prove yourself to him and you shouldn't have to do that. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself to appear 'well'. It sounds as though you have a really good handle on things and are doing the best you can.

Are you in contact with any support groups or having therapy?

You have really good insight into what is going on but I think your expectations are too high. He obviously has little to no understanding of what you're going through and where you are in recovery and why would he? He's not an eating disorder specialist and he's obviously struggling to understand what's going on.

In my opinion, it might be an idea to back away from the relationship and just focus on your own healing. Continue what you're doing as it sounds like you're really getting there as far as progress goes. Be kind to yourself as you will have set backs and reach out for support from people who are trained to support you like a therapist, Dr or support group.

You should be really proud OP, it sounds like you are doing so well and that is down to you and your determination to get well.

How do you feel about him talking to his family about presumably fairly private stuff you told him? Even though he told them your 'issues' were in the past? I have an ED sometimes and I wouldn't like a boyfriend telling all his family members that. I would want them to meet me on my own terms for myself without knowing stuff like that about me. I have bipolar and don't work so maybe a partner would have to claim I had a job as a 'cover up' if he wasn't going to tell his family though, IDK.

When I asked him what his wants and needs from the relationship were, he said that he needed to be able to rely on me to make sure I am working to keep myself healthy. This has made me sad because, in all honesty, due to the severity and length of my eating disorder, no matter how much I work/think I am working at keeping myself healthy, I am likely to have blips. That's just how recovery works and I have explained that to him.

So, when you say to him 'I might have a blip now and again' what does he say? I suppose if you were to immediately do stuff to try and get yourself back on track, including seeking treatment etc if needed, then that would fit in with what he's saying about wanting you to look after yourself as best you can. You had a blip and he didn't finish with you or anything. x I would say this to him again just for your reassurance.

I would be more annoyed about him telling people my private stuff maybe.

@1235kbm

It sounds to me as though you are doing marvellously!! You are really far into your recovery. Being able to eat something without watching how it was cooked or count calories is truly amazing.

I say this with your best intentions at heart, I don't think you are ready for a relationship yet. I would be too concerned that someone with little understanding would trigger you and I think you are still vulnerable to that.

What he is saying and doing is obviously upsetting you and you seem to be trying to prove yourself to him and you shouldn't have to do that. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself to appear 'well'. It sounds as though you have a really good handle on things and are doing the best you can.

Are you in contact with any support groups or having therapy?

You have really good insight into what is going on but I think your expectations are too high. He obviously has little to no understanding of what you're going through and where you are in recovery and why would he? He's not an eating disorder specialist and he's obviously struggling to understand what's going on.

In my opinion, it might be an idea to back away from the relationship and just focus on your own healing. Continue what you're doing as it sounds like you're really getting there as far as progress goes. Be kind to yourself as you will have set backs and reach out for support from people who are trained to support you like a therapist, Dr or support group.

You should be really proud OP, it sounds like you are doing so well and that is down to you and your determination to get well.

Thank you for such a lovely post. I think you are probably right in many ways. I did have therapy and dietetic support when I was in treatment in 2015 but unfortunately that ended after two years when I became a healthy weight (I'd had years of therapy before but hadn't been ready to engage). I don't really feel like I have the luxury of time to wait until I'm in a better place for a relationship - I've already lost 16 years of my life to the illness and really don't want to waste any more time. The relationship has been good for my recovery in many ways and pushed me out of my comfort zone. An example being just yesterday when my boyfriend got us fish and chips for dinner - something I would never willingly eat otherwise!

I think you are right that I need to concentrate more on my recovery than my relationship though. I am certainly preoccupied with the relationship and how it's going when in reality I could be working more on recovery which would indirectly improve the relationship. I am going to back away a little (but not end things)and focus on myself as you advise

Food for thought, certainly! (forgive the pun)

OP, I had anorexia for ten years and was also hospitalised. I would say I am 98% in recovery and have been for 6 years now. I know how hard this journey is and all the energy you will have put in to come so far.

I would feel incredibly hurt by your boyfriend's comments. Eating disorders are so personal and surrounded by shame that his comments seem to be adding to the distress. I encouraged my boyfriend to tell them (he didn't want to) but this allowed him to go to his family for support because it is tough watching someone you love deplete.

There was one point when I was in hospital where my partner said he didn't know if he could stay with me if I became that unwell again. It really hurt but I understand where he was coming from. He has since said he was just scared and that he would be there for me. Thankfully I haven't relapsed although I was close a few years ago.

How would you like things to be different? Everyone's opinion of their ED is different, some feel it's a part of them, others feel it like another person. Would you want his family to be more involved?

It sounds like what he actually wants to say is he needs to trust you to stay well and not bring these challenges in to your relationship. I can't promise that to my partner but he trusts me to do the best with what I have. It's a small difference but it means a lot.

I encouraged my boyfriend to tell them (he didn't want to) but this allowed him to go to his family for support because it is tough watching someone you love deplete.

@ThePathToHealing I get that if you're in the thick of things I guess, but not if it were something a new boyfriend said to his family as one of the first things he said about me, or without asking me beforehand.

You make a good point. There's a question over how and why they know but I'm also concerned that going forward this will put more pressure on OP to be seen to be well when that can be far from the truth.

I think he sounds very decent
Very honest
Cares about you
And he’s not running away but he is being honest

Another issue - does he want children? Do you? Have specialists given any info As to impact on your fertility?

In my experience, people who do not accept ailments will continue to make you feel like crap and like a burden in any sickness scenario. You're better off without someone like him.

@realist252 You are doing very well and gaining control. It is a long process. Anorexia is the cruellest disease. It is an attack on your mental and physical resources. It is not about food and it is about food. Try to remember he may be part of your journey and may be trying as hard as you, but in his own space and within his own capabilities. Relationships are journeys not contracts to be performed to the letter. I could be wrong, of course, because I am human.

No advice but wanted to send you hugs and say well done on your recovery journey 💐

@ThePathToHealing

OP, I had anorexia for ten years and was also hospitalised. I would say I am 98% in recovery and have been for 6 years now. I know how hard this journey is and all the energy you will have put in to come so far.

I would feel incredibly hurt by your boyfriend's comments. Eating disorders are so personal and surrounded by shame that his comments seem to be adding to the distress. I encouraged my boyfriend to tell them (he didn't want to) but this allowed him to go to his family for support because it is tough watching someone you love deplete.

There was one point when I was in hospital where my partner said he didn't know if he could stay with me if I became that unwell again. It really hurt but I understand where he was coming from. He has since said he was just scared and that he would be there for me. Thankfully I haven't relapsed although I was close a few years ago.

How would you like things to be different? Everyone's opinion of their ED is different, some feel it's a part of them, others feel it like another person. Would you want his family to be more involved?

It sounds like what he actually wants to say is he needs to trust you to stay well and not bring these challenges in to your relationship. I can't promise that to my partner but he trusts me to do the best with what I have. It's a small difference but it means a lot.

Thank you for your reply and congratulations on your recovery! I hope one day I can get to where you are.

I think my boyfriend's comments probably come from a place of a lack of understanding and he may feel that he was slightly deceived - throughout our relationship I have tried to shield him from the realties of what managing an eating disorder involves because I didn't want it to become a 'thing' in the relationship. Obviously that hasn't worked!

I don't want or need involvement from his family, it would just be nice to meet them. The fact that he didn't want me to meet them when I was struggling suggests that he was ashamed of me at that time although he insists that that wasn't the case and to be honest I would only really want to meet them at my best anyway. As I had tried to hide the extent of my illness from him (and probably myself too) when he realised I had lost weight he was confused and a bit blindsided. He described it as being one of The Twits on the growing/shrinking chairs - knowing that something wasn't right but not knowing what (as I was still presenting as fine/in denial despite weight loss) and not knowing how to address it.

He has since said that I would have met his parents by now if it hadn't been for lockdown, he just hadn't wanted me to meet them at the beginning of the year when I was looking unwell but I have got a grip since then.

You are right about the small difference in what he is saying - I am not sure if he is saying 'I need you to stay on top of working on recovery because I can't cope with the stress of you being unwell' or 'I need you to stay on top of keeping healthy so that we can both rely on each other'. Hmmm...

@Atadaddicted

I think he sounds very decent Very honest Cares about you And he’s not running away but he is being honest

Another issue - does he want children? Do you? Have specialists given any info As to impact on your fertility?

Thank you.

Yes, we both want children but I have not had a natural period since the age of 14. Specialists have been less than helpful on this issue and put me on the pill for oestrogen and told me to come back when I'm actively trying for a baby. There are all sorts of problems with this that I won't bore you with but I have asked to be referred to a different endochrinologist as I feel I have been totally fobbed off by my current one, despite the fact that he is a very well respected consultant.

[quote jackdaw141]@realist252 You are doing very well and gaining control. It is a long process. Anorexia is the cruellest disease. It is an attack on your mental and physical resources. It is not about food and it is about food. Try to remember he may be part of your journey and may be trying as hard as you, but in his own space and within his own capabilities. Relationships are journeys not contracts to be performed to the letter. I could be wrong, of course, because I am human.[/quote]
This is such a lovely perspective! I am going to screenshot it to keep as a reminder for when I need it, thank you.

I honestly believe everyone can recover and I have no doubt that you will get there too. it's the hardest thing I've ever done and what I am most proud of achieving. It's a shame not everyone understands the hardships!

I think it's really difficult because he's kind of saying that it's not looking unwell that is shameful it's the reason why. Perhaps if it was a different illness he would have introduced you sooner? We don't know.

It's still really up in the air and so I think in time things will naturally settle and you will both move towards the same page. It's something of an adjustment for you both but keep in mind that recovery has to come first. My last partner was not supportive and I left choosing recovery over him, best decision I made.

@ThePathToHealing

I honestly believe everyone can recover and I have no doubt that you will get there too. it's the hardest thing I've ever done and what I am most proud of achieving. It's a shame not everyone understands the hardships!

I think it's really difficult because he's kind of saying that it's not looking unwell that is shameful it's the reason why. Perhaps if it was a different illness he would have introduced you sooner? We don't know.

It's still really up in the air and so I think in time things will naturally settle and you will both move towards the same page. It's something of an adjustment for you both but keep in mind that recovery has to come first. My last partner was not supportive and I left choosing recovery over him, best decision I made.

@ThePathToHealing thank you for your thoughts. I have been considering this a lot. Did you do anything to encourage your husband to be supportive/understanding? My boyfriend says he is happy to learn how to support me but I don't even know where to begin. Anorexia is such a complicated illness that I don't understand it myself at the best of times so expecting him to seems a bit unreasonable!

I just wanted to say how amazing you sound. Mental illness is just the worst, I’ve suffered for most of my life. I’ve learnt that it’s so hard for someone who has no experienced it to fully understand what’s going on. I often feel when I try to explain it they are looking at me like I’m mad, which makes me not want to tell people. But I’ve also learnt that holding it in and telling everyone I am fine was a recipe for disaster. We alone can only overcome our internals issues but at the same time we can’t do it alone, it’s hard.

You are deserving of a happy and loving relationship regardless of any long term condition.

I think he sounds like a nice guy who’s maybe realising it’s a “forever” thing to manage your condition and has a lot of thoughts around that.

I have a different but lifelong neurological condition that impacts my behaviour and requires constant management. My partner accepts this completely and we are very happy but there are some things we do slightly differently to a long term relationship to avoid the caregiver/receiver dynamic.

We have a constant dialogue about my condition and how I’m managing. He’s always happy to listen to me talk and advise me if I need support but equally I listen to his feedback, try strategies he suggests that I hadn’t thought of before and he gets to tell me if he thinks I’m missing some key warning signs without me reacting negatively to him- it’s a constructive discussion.

We have an “emergency plan” as to what happens in a critical situation. I have autism so sometimes have shutdowns and meltdowns. We have discussed a management strategy for this both in public or at home. I feel comfortable knowing he will support me when vulnerable and he feels more comfortable knowing I have pre-approved the plan which he may have to initiate without me being able to help myself in the time. We talk about this and modify for unique scenarios where there may be triggers for me- e.g going on holiday, meeting his family, going to a wedding.

He is accepting that our home life needs to be a certain way for me to be at my best- e.g. me needing a quiet space, him using headphones for gaming and not slamming doors etc! We have a routine for getting up and going to bed each day and he follows it as well as me. If we needed to change this, I am happy to work towards this but he needs to give me advance notice and a few trial runs where it might not work out.

Ultimately it’s about give and take. He is 100% accepting of my condition and also 100% accepting that I don’t get the management right all the time, but equally doesn’t EXPECT me to. New life scenarios such as a relationship will impact on our management of these conditions so you can’t expect yourself and he can’t expect you to get it right all the time.

What you should expect and he should expect is to have open dialogue about this. He should be able to share his worries and concerns with you and you should be able to discuss together and vice versa. It’s a part of your life forever so if he’s chosing a life with you he choses this for his forever. When I had a previous partner who told me in our break up “you’d be great if you didn’t have autism” I responded “well I don’t get to chose to have autism but you did chose to be with someone with autism”.

My current partner doesn’t see it as something I should do to limit my condition’s impact on him as he chose me, he chose all of me and not just the good stuff. Something else that really helped was him going away and doing independent research into the condition. It meant he was always equal in our conversations and it wasn’t me constantly having to educate him!

Sorry for the essay but I just wanted to give you w positive example of how long term mental health can be managed in a relationship.

You sound incredibly strong and have been on a long journey. If he’s a good guy he will see that and love you more for it but he is allowed to have concerns and questions. Make sure he gets the balance right!

I think the key is that he wants you to work towards keeping yourself healthy. I don’t think that means he’s expecting 100% success but he probably wants some confidence that you want to try and are committed to that.

I would gently point out to him that you have been working hard on your health since 2015 so long before you met him and although you were distracted by the new relationship, your long term goal is the same but you sometimes need to learn to adapt in new situations and this will take time and maybe some trial and error!

@WhoamI83

I just wanted to say how amazing you sound. Mental illness is just the worst, I’ve suffered for most of my life. I’ve learnt that it’s so hard for someone who has no experienced it to fully understand what’s going on. I often feel when I try to explain it they are looking at me like I’m mad, which makes me not want to tell people. But I’ve also learnt that holding it in and telling everyone I am fine was a recipe for disaster. We alone can only overcome our internals issues but at the same time we can’t do it alone, it’s hard.

What a lovely message, thank you so much! I'm sorry that you suffer too, it really is a balancing act between working on things ourselves and asking others (who may not understand) for support, isn't it?

@user1471548941

You are deserving of a happy and loving relationship regardless of any long term condition.

I think he sounds like a nice guy who’s maybe realising it’s a “forever” thing to manage your condition and has a lot of thoughts around that.

I have a different but lifelong neurological condition that impacts my behaviour and requires constant management. My partner accepts this completely and we are very happy but there are some things we do slightly differently to a long term relationship to avoid the caregiver/receiver dynamic.

We have a constant dialogue about my condition and how I’m managing. He’s always happy to listen to me talk and advise me if I need support but equally I listen to his feedback, try strategies he suggests that I hadn’t thought of before and he gets to tell me if he thinks I’m missing some key warning signs without me reacting negatively to him- it’s a constructive discussion.

We have an “emergency plan” as to what happens in a critical situation. I have autism so sometimes have shutdowns and meltdowns. We have discussed a management strategy for this both in public or at home. I feel comfortable knowing he will support me when vulnerable and he feels more comfortable knowing I have pre-approved the plan which he may have to initiate without me being able to help myself in the time. We talk about this and modify for unique scenarios where there may be triggers for me- e.g going on holiday, meeting his family, going to a wedding.

He is accepting that our home life needs to be a certain way for me to be at my best- e.g. me needing a quiet space, him using headphones for gaming and not slamming doors etc! We have a routine for getting up and going to bed each day and he follows it as well as me. If we needed to change this, I am happy to work towards this but he needs to give me advance notice and a few trial runs where it might not work out.

Ultimately it’s about give and take. He is 100% accepting of my condition and also 100% accepting that I don’t get the management right all the time, but equally doesn’t EXPECT me to. New life scenarios such as a relationship will impact on our management of these conditions so you can’t expect yourself and he can’t expect you to get it right all the time.

What you should expect and he should expect is to have open dialogue about this. He should be able to share his worries and concerns with you and you should be able to discuss together and vice versa. It’s a part of your life forever so if he’s chosing a life with you he choses this for his forever. When I had a previous partner who told me in our break up “you’d be great if you didn’t have autism” I responded “well I don’t get to chose to have autism but you did chose to be with someone with autism”.

My current partner doesn’t see it as something I should do to limit my condition’s impact on him as he chose me, he chose all of me and not just the good stuff. Something else that really helped was him going away and doing independent research into the condition. It meant he was always equal in our conversations and it wasn’t me constantly having to educate him!

Sorry for the essay but I just wanted to give you w positive example of how long term mental health can be managed in a relationship.

You sound incredibly strong and have been on a long journey. If he’s a good guy he will see that and love you more for it but he is allowed to have concerns and questions. Make sure he gets the balance right!

This was so helpful, thank you! I think the way that you and your partner have established for dealing with your condition sounds ideal - this is something I am going to try to emulate. I'm glad you have found something that works so well for you.

@user1471548941

I think the key is that he wants you to work towards keeping yourself healthy. I don’t think that means he’s expecting 100% success but he probably wants some confidence that you want to try and are committed to that.

I would gently point out to him that you have been working hard on your health since 2015 so long before you met him and although you were distracted by the new relationship, your long term goal is the same but you sometimes need to learn to adapt in new situations and this will take time and maybe some trial and error!

Omg your last paragraph is exactly what I've been wanting to say without having the eloquence to express it so concisely! Thank you for that :)

Some great advice here
It does sound to me like he doesn’t really know much about ED , and that’s fine
But him not knowing means he doesn’t really understand quite how bloody far you have come !