Apologies, this will be very long!
Met my now ex partner online. I’m 24 and he’s 32. We were together/dating for roughly around 9 months. He had been in a relationship for 10 years previously as where I’d been single for quite a few years. We seemed to get on well and conversation was easy, attracted to each other etc. There was a slight blip in the beginning where he had taken something that I had said (an obvious joke) the wrong way. He kept it to himself for a number of weeks before blurting it out in a temper and when I asked him why hadn’t he mentioned it before, he just said he didn’t know how to bring it up. It did cause a bit of tension between us as I felt the issue could have been resolved weeks before had he mentioned it instead of it becoming this “huge problem”. I felt that he didn’t really give me a chance to explain what I meant by the joke and just made up his own assumptions which was frustrating. Anyway, he apologised and we moved on. I did feel slightly uneasy about the whole situation as it should have been the “honeymoon phase” in my eyes. There shouldn’t have been any arguments/disagreements at that point but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just class it as a “misunderstanding”.
Since then, everything has been fine and we have been getting along great, spending time together etc. For context (I think it is important to mention this and I think it’s something that he’s forgotten) I have been working throughout the pandemic as where he has been on furlough for the last 3 months so has had a lot more free time than me. Even though I have been working full time, I have still made a huge effort to spend my free time with him as I wanted to see where the relationship would go. Obviously due to the current situation we’ve not been able to do “normal” things such as going for breaks away, out to restaurants etc and I think this is where the problems started. Whenever we’ve spent time together it’s always been during the evening due to work or him playing golf until late at night. I do have weekends off but he normally has his son on a Friday and Saturday night and then plays golf all day on Sunday so again we only really get Sunday evenings together.
Normally when we’ve been together we’ve just had lazy nights in front of the t.v, sat and talked, had a glass of wine etc. Our time together has always been spent in the house (either due to me not getting there until late after work or the weather has been awful and we’ve not been able to go out anywhere). I didn’t feel this was an issue as we’ve both talked about certain activities that we wanted to do at some point in the future, it just wasn’t possible right now due to both of our schedules and the pandemic.
Anyway, over the last few months I have noticed that he can sometimes be extremely sensitive and take what I say the wrong way (perfect example above). I consider myself to be quite a funny and happy person who jokes around a lot as where he’s quite a sensitive and serious person which I have no issue with (opposites attract and all that) and I like to give people a fair chance. The only issue I had with him is that he wouldn’t challenge/question me when I said something that he didn’t agree with. He would let it fester for days/weeks and then it would turn into this huge issue (when it really didn’t have to). Just recently I had booked a week off work for my birthday, I spent most of it with my family and friends and then spent 2 days with him. The first day I spent at his house and we just had a lazy day in, he did suggest a walk but due to the weather we couldn’t go anywhere. The second day I had to take my car to the garage as something had gone wrong with it and I needed it back in working order for work the next day. Because of this we didn’t really get much time together as by the time he’d picked me up from the garage (had to leave car over night with mechanic) and arrived at my house it was late afternoon and I wanted to cook us a nice dinner. Again we just had a lazy afternoon in front of the tv with a glass of wine. The next day he left early to go and pick his son up and I went to work. That afternoon, I messaged to say “thank you for a lovely couple of days together, I really enjoyed myself and thank you for the presents etc”. His response was along the lines of “it was nice but don’t you think it was awkward the entire time?, I wasn’t being myself and just acted so out of character. I feel I can’t be myself around you”. Obviously this came as a huge surprise to me as he hadn’t mentioned anything at the time and as far as I was aware we’d had a nice time together.
I could feel myself getting frustrated with the situation because he kept on repeating “it was just awkward” but wouldn’t really give me a reason why. He said it was just little things that I’d said or done but he didn’t want to give examples because he knew I’d see it as petty or childish. We argued back and forth and he eventually sent me a VERY long message with examples of what I’d said and done wrong. Here we go....
1. Whenever we’ve spent time together we would get a takeaway for dinner or eat junk food, mainly down to the fact that he rarely ever had any food in his house or because when I offered to go to the shop to buy groceries, I would ask him what he wanted and he would say “just get a pizza or something”. He said he normally eats healthier but had gone downhill because of me (you would think I’d rammed the pizza down his throat). I did remind him that the other day when he picked me up from the garage we stopped by Asda and I asked him to come into the shop to pick a few bits as I didn’t have anything to eat in my house. He said he couldn’t be bothered and stayed in the car but I did give him the opportunity to choose some healthier options or suggest a few ideas. I ended up cooking sausages, mash and veg but apparently that wasn’t good enough. I do feel that I made a conscious effort to try to eat healthier around him but he didn’t acknowledge it.
2. Apparently I’ve not taken any interest in the things that he likes to do and all I wanted to do was watch t.v. whenever we’ve been together. As far as I’m aware the only interests he is are walking and playing golf. I tried to explain that wasn’t the case at all but that (as I’ve explained above) any time we’ve spent together has been late at night due to work or him playing golf until late. We’ve also not been able to go walking sometimes because of the weather but I’ve always expressed my interest. I tried to (gently) explain that (unlike him) I was still working full time so (as I’m sure most people would understand) I didn’t really want to come home after being on my feet all day and go walking, I wanted to unwind and relax. I think he’d forgotten that he’d been off work for 3 months as where my life/routine hadn’t changed at all.
3. This is the one I think that has upset me the most. For my birthday he bought me a bunch of flowers and chocolates which were lovely. When I stayed at his house we stayed up into the early hours of the morning watching a film, no issue as we were both off work the following day and said we could have a nice lie in together. It was around 2am and I was a bit peckish so I ended up eating some of the chocolates and drinking some coke. I offered him some as (despite the time) I didn’t want to be rude as he’d bought me the chocolates. He snapped back and said “I don’t eat chocolate or drink coke at a ridiculous hour” which I thought was quite hurtful, I was only eating the chocolate’s that he’d bought me and all he had to do was say “no thanks I don’t want any”. The comment was clearly aimed at me. It did upset me but I kept it to myself and moved on from it. I’m the type of person who can get over something in 5 minutes and I just told myself that he probably didn’t mean it in a nasty way. I had completely forgotten about it until he brought it up yesterday. I did tell him I thought the comment was hurtful and felt that he was judging me for having a bit of chocolate. It’s not something that I do every night and it was my birthday weekend and I was just trying to enjoy myself. Some people drink, take drugs etc, we all have our vices. He said he wasn’t judging me but then went on to say that “he just couldn’t understand the urge to eat crap at such a ridiculous hour”. He smokes weed occasionally (which I have no issue with as long as it doesn’t effect me or the relationship) so I made a point of saying that “I don’t understand the urge to smoke a joint” but I would never judge him for it. He became extremely angry when I said that which I found a tad hypocritical.
4. He told me that he normally brushes his teeth before he goes to bed every night but didn’t when he was around me because I don’t do it. I told him he could brush his teeth 20 times a day if he wanted to, whatever makes him happy. I have no idea why he felt he couldn’t brush his teeth around me and in all honesty it’s left me baffled. I don’t know if he was insinuating that I was dirty or something but (not that I should have to explain myself) I’m a clean person, shower everyday, brush my teeth in the morning, wear clean clothes and have a “cleanish” house. I wouldn’t class myself as “dirty”.
5. Now this is a funny one! He told me that when he slept at my house he didn’t sleep all night because he was up all night worrying but wouldn’t tell me what about. He then said that my bed had a dip in the mattress and why didn’t I tell him before he slept over?. I had completely forgotten about my mattress (my friend mentioned it to me a few months ago) but it must be because I always sleep on the same side of the bed. I couldn’t really take it seriously and just said “why didn’t you tell me at the time and I would have swapped sides with you?”. I have no idea why someone would get so upset over such a minor issue like this one.
6. He said that my jokes aren’t funny. For example he told me a few weeks ago that he wanted to get back in shape and get his abs back and I responded “oh no I love the dad bod, I’ll fatten you up!”. It was an obvious joke as I can remember laughing at the time. He’s now accused me of trying to “feed” him and not wanting him to be happy because he’s happier when he’s in shape. I said that was ridiculous and that I would like him whether he was in shape or had a bit of a belly. I’m not very slim myself so why would that bother me? I told him as long as he was happy, I was happy.
7. When I had issues with my car, he offered to have a look at it as he’s a mechanic. I was extremely grateful and let him mess around with it, no issue. He told me that he had an idea of what it could be but that all his equipment and tools were at his workshop. He said himself that my mechanic would probably have a better computer etc so could probably fix it a lot quicker. I said no problem and took it to the garage, thanked him again for trying to fix it. I wanted to get it to my mechanic as soon as possible because I needed it back in working order for work the following day so I wanted to give him plenty of time to fix the problem properly. Apparently because I chose my mechanic (who I’ve used since I was 18) I was being rude and basically questioning his “experience” and “knowledge” even though he said himself that my mechanic probably had better equipment and tools than him.
There are so many more examples that he’s given me but I’d be here all day if I wrote them all down, plus this thread is extremely long as it is. I tried to defend myself yesterday and explain what I meant by my comments and jokes. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean anything that I’d said in a malicious way but he completely dismissed me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, he’s obviously formed these opinions of me that can’t be changed. I think he has an extremely low opinion of me, which is strange because it was only last week he told me “how happy I make him”. I was honest and said that sometimes I do feel he takes things the wrong way and turns it into an issue when it doesn’t need to be. It’s almost as if he looks for ways to be offended. I feel like I’m on egg shells and I have to worry about what I say or do constantly which is no way to live. He’s explained that he has insecurities because of his previous relationship and I think it’s starting to show. I have been myself and been honest from day 1 as where I think he’s put a wall up and pretended to be someone he’s not. I agree he’s acted out of character (like he said) but I don’t think I’m to blame for that. I’ve never asked him to be someone he’s not but it seems as though he’s hell bent on playing the victim. I have never felt so miserable in a relationship in my entire life and I know it’s time to move on and let this one go, I just keep on second guessing myself and wondering “did I really do something wrong here?”. I’ve never experienced this with anyone.
We haven’t spoken since yesterday and I am ready to block his number/Facebook page and move on with my life but I’d just love some of your honest opinions as I don’t really want to talk to my family about this. Is he a horrible person?, am I?, were we both in the wrong or is he just absolutely mental and childish? Is this how a 32 man really behaves?
Thank you x