Feeling invisible

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Hi...I don't often (ever) start posts but I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself here and wondered if anyone has experienced similar or has any comforting words.

At the moment, and I guess mostly since lockdown while I have had more time to sit and stew, I feel like I am becoming invisible amongst my friends. I don't have lots of circles of friends, but I have had the same group of 8/9 close friends since meeting at college at 16 (I am now 41). They are amazing and when I unexpectedly spilt from my ex husband just over 2 years ago they honestly saved my life.

The thing is, I had children first amongst my friends (also got married first). So by the time they started their families, mine were a bit older. They all now have children of similar ages (those who have children) so our group whatsapp chat seems to be focused around things specifically their kids' ages (primary school) which I don't really feel I have much to contribute towards, and if i try and start a conversation about things more relevant to my kids (secondary), I don't get much back. Likewise with things like moving house - they all have lovely houses and some are in the process of or have recently extended/renovated and I am desperately just trying to cling onto the modest but lovely family home I am still in with my kids with impending divorce proceedings.

I also found out that some of them have had separate zoom calls (or physical meet ups when it was allowed) as couples recently and now I am no longer part of a couple, I feel like I'm not as interesting to them and they don't think to include me.

My best friend rarely instigates doing anything with me but she and her husband always seem to be socialising with other couples.

This isn't me slagging my friends off...I honestly love them like family. I guess that's it...I wish I could see more of them or feel as important to them but my life just seems to be moving further and further away from theirs in all directions.

I feel better for getting that out, even if no-one responds, so thanks!

I've never been in a group of friends so I can't really relate, I've always had individual friends that didn't know each other, I think over years people change in different stages of their lives and this is what is going on here, maybe you could just gravitate towards the ones you have more of a connection with and don't worry about the meet ups with small children, after all you want a friendship for yourself not children now yours are older.

Is there a group of mums at the school you can try to get to know any better?

I can relate to some of what you say. And I think being at similar life stages plays a big part. So I don't think it's anything to do with you, I think more that they feel more "connected" with those they currently haven't in common with. For example if you went for a girls weekend away (in 2025 😉), you'd all be on a level footing.

Have them as friends, you have history together which is quite special I think. But try to meet a few people now through work/community etc.

Thanks for the responses.

My dc are at secondary school now so there is no interaction with other parents.

I have a friend who I met through my dd when she started primary school and we have more in common in terms of our children. She is coming over at the weekend, which I'm looking forward to. She is also more up for doing things away from her husband/kids, which other friends don't seem to be.

If your kids are secondary, you probably don't see other mums! But if they're secondary, you definitely have more time . I have a late secondary and an early primary so can see the difference.

@PolloDePrimavera Yes, there is an awful lot of history there and very special shared experiences.

I'd love to have 'work' friends but the type of job I have is quite insular/niche and I am in a very small team (like 2 of us!). There is no socialising/xmas do's or anything but I love my job so I'm not complaining.

I think I just feel like I'm less interesting to others as 'Sunshine' rather than 'Sunshine and ex'.

And also this : For example if you went for a girls weekend away (in 2025 😉), you'd all be on a level footing.

Is very true. We have had a few nights/weekends away in the past few years and they have been brilliant. I'd love to do more (when allowed) but everyone else seems to have much busier social lives than me.

Talking about children's primary school business sounds extremely dull so I would say you are lucky to be out of that!

But it also sounds like you need to have girlfriends rather than couple friends. I have girlfriends who have kids of different ages from babies to 30 year olds and it doesn't matter because that isn't why we are friends.

Single women friends would be even better for you right now . It is so nice not to feel like an oddball. When we are allowed to, I would try to widen your social circle, go to Meet Ups etc and see if you can be less reliant on your old friends.

It’s quite common to be dropped from a social group once you become a single woman due to the fact that you could potentially be seen as a threat. This has happened to me and many of my friends. Couples mix with couples, singles with singles generally.

Accept that things have changed and find new friends. If you meet someone and become a couple again, watch in amusement as the invitations return.

The same rule doesn't apply to men oddly.

You need new friends OP! It's not compulsory to stick with the same group for 30 years - inevitably people change and circumstances change.

Obviously you're in the middle of difficult stuff at the moment - but try to take some time to consider how you might broaden your horizons rather than clinging on to the past. Whether that be through work, hobbies, study, training, whatever - look towards finding new, like minded people with whom you can share new experiences. If the old friends still value the old friendship they'll seek you out. If not, you'll have found a way not to rely on them.

I totally get what you mean, it seems friendships as we get older revolve around more current experiences.

Finding out about dinners/drinks you have been excluded from is incredibly hard to take. Since falling pregnant in March, several of my friends seem to have drifted away from me which my rational brain is attributing to different life stages whereas my anxiety brain is going into overdrive!

Do you have any other hobbies/interests you can get more involved with to meet new friends you may have more in common with at this time?

I would like to make some new friends but I don't want to lose my current ones. Like I said, they have been great and I think a lot of the way I'm feeling is my issue and magnified due to current circumstances.

I do have a hobby and have some friends from that but those friendships are mostly when I am doing that hobby as we are a very mixed bunch! I also haven't been able to take part in it recently due to an injury so that has added to me feeling a big disconnect to everything and everyone I think. I muted the hobby WA group as it was making me feel down that i couldn't take part.

I am in a relationship and have been for 10 months. He was living with me over lockdown but has now moved into his own place an hour away (where he lived before and his job is). This is fine but has obviously given me too much time to think now I have space!

My friends are in long standing marriages/relationships with people we have all known for years so the men all know each other and do social things together (my exh was part of that).

I think lockdown has just amplified things for me as in 'normal' times I would be too busy working/looking after dc and then seeing my bf EOW to think too much about any of this.

Thanks for helping me think this through 'out loud'.

Try not to worry about it too much and don't overthink it. They are at a slightly different life stage to you. They maybe don't really know how to react to the divorce either as your ex was part of the friendship group. I think that it will improve with time. If you stay in touch with them you'll maybe become closer to them again in the future. Statistics would suggest that you won't be the only one of them who goes through a divorce, sad as that is.
When they are chatting about primary school issues can you not help with some advice as you have been through the experience and come out the other side?
Lockdown is making a lot of people question friendships and experience loneliness or feeling excluding. I think it will get better. Hang in there.

Thank you @stealm

I did offer my experience but started to feel like it wasn't as valuable as those offering their current experiences so kind of stopped.

One of the others in the group actually divorced before I did and I think she experienced similar feeling to me back then but I was part of the other side I guess (happily married and a bit oblivious) so didn't realise how hard it must have been for her and I have since apologised to her for not being more supportive. She is now with someone else who she has a child with and I am really happy for her.