Is there a name for this behaviour?

[Tatiannatomasina]

Long dv relationship, abusive and violent. One dc aged 2. Female party has tried to end the relationship countless times but always gets sucked back in. Male party is a drug user and repeatedly assaults her. Currently going through court with protective bail conditions and a restraining order in place, however female victim refuses to cut contact with the male party as she feels safer being able to monitor his moods and behaviour. Still allows him access to their dc, despite concerns from child protection. Is there a name for this kind of situation and anything I can read up about it in order to try and help her break the cycle?

Stockholm syndrome, perhaps?

Are you a friend?
Not much you can do but be there for her and keep suggesting professional help. This sounds far too much for anything you could do or say. She has to do it herself.

It could be "trauma bonding"

I'm not a friend, but close to the situation. No amount of reasoning will change her mind and I fear he will cause her serious injury or worse. I will look up trauma bonding amd stockholm syndrome, thanks for the suggestions.

Definitely sounds like trauma bonding which can lead to that kind of dynamic, especially if the female was abused in childhood. I think trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome are based on the same basic ideas.

This type of relationship can be created when the abuser uses "intermittent reinforcement", one of the most addictive tactics in the world I believe. So look that up. The female will be living in a permanent state of addiction, hyper vigilance and fear. I'm glad you are trying to look out for her in some way.

Codependency?

If there is a threat to the child she could be a ‘flying monkey’ or an ‘enabler’

Just read an article on intermittent reinforcement and it hit the nail on the head, thank you so much for that suggestion. She is massively hypervigilent. She says she feels safer knowing what he is doing and what his mood is, but I wonder if this is true, or if she is 'addicted' to him but feels better telling herself and others this is the reason.

Sounds like every single time things went quiet, it was him planning a huge escalation. Basically, if she doesn't know what he's doing, there's something ticking in the back of her subconscious saying that he will murder her and her child.

Probably because he's told her that he will. When she least expects it. That he'll hunt her down and there is no hiding place from him.

I'd call it being in fear of her life and not believing for one second that anybody will actually be able to protect her or the child from him if he decides there's nothing left to lose.

OP it sounds like you don't know much about DV so well done for trying to find out what you can and help your friend.

What she is doing is what is best for her at the moment and she's right. The most dangerous time for a person in a DV relationship is when they leave. She is 'hypervigilant' because she has spent years surviving and she is probably suffering from trauma.

She is most in danger when leaving and in the first year after leaving, that is when most women are killed by a partner or former partner.

She will have her child taken away from her if they find out she is letting him continue to have access. She will have been told this so as you can see, even the threat of losing her child, is not stopping her. She's terrified of him and she's also trauma bonded to him. It's a very strong pull towards him.

He's had years and years to break her down and threaten her. He may have convinced her that she can't cope without him. Victims of DV also bond with the aggressor because it's a survival mechanism, otherwise her and her child may very well be dead.

She has lived on eggshells for years, anticipating his moods so she doesn't get the crap beaten out of her. What she doesn't realise is that it doesn't matter what she did or didn't do, he would find an excuse to do it. She's been conditioned through terror tactics and that's very difficult to push through.

She is doing the right thing for her until he is locked up. Lots of abusers have gone on to hunt down and kill their former partners even though there are restraining orders - it doesn't make a difference. She is the expert on her own relationship as she's been navigating it for years. She may also be concerned about family or friends as abusers often threaten them as well.

She says she feels safer knowing what he is doing and what his mood is
she can assess the level of threat when he's there; but if he isnt she spends all day terrified wondering when he will suddenly appear. Its a form of torture.

If you cant relate to that, imagine knowing there's a huge bird eating spider the size of a dinner plate loose in your house then try to just get on with your day without thinking about it.

When she goes back, he punishes her for having left. So each time it becomes harder for her to leave.

The name for it is "she knows the system will give the child to him unsupervised 50% of the time if she leaves and that he'll be more volatile and unpredictable if she leaves - and that many domestic murders of both women and children occur in the 12 months after separation".

It's not her who needs to change. The system needs to change.

It just sounds like abusive relationship dynamics and that the relationship isn’t over.

As pics says, very often legal advice is that contact with DC will be unsupervised, overnight etc. A close friend stayed in an abusive relationship for a couple more years, largely due to this concern. In the event her ex didn’t bother to press for any overnight contact - his priority was drink/drugs.

^^Exactly this.

Sounds like trauma bonding to me . It's horrendous, particularly when there's a small child involved and the woman just can't or won't leave.

I agree it's like an addiction. I was involved wtih someone like this and had kids. He was violent to me and I was told by social services that they would have to be involved if I took him back.

He's now involved with a woman with a child. seemingly Insane because she knows what he's like.

Read How he Gets into Her Head by Don Hennessey. This explains a bit and is less victim blamey than other books.