Why it's good to be single?

[Fairycake2]

Just found out that my exh has met someone else. I knew he would pretty quickly (and I wouldn't even be surprised if that's why he left) but it still feels like a kick in the teeth. He left me after telling me he was depressed and I literally knew nothing until 2 weeks before. I have no idea where he is now and have no contact with him.

I've been having a bad few days this week anyway and feeling lonely and unlovable so this came at a bad time. I'd be doing really well before but I now just keep thinking, what is wrong with me, why didn't he want to make it work with me, how can he replace me so quickly etc etc.

After some advice on here, I've decided to stay single for at least a year so I don't end up in another bad relationship so please can you remind me all the good parts about being single to help me get through?

Also, what can I do to stop myself thinking about it - I literally went to sleep thinking about it last night, dreamt about it and woke up thinking about it this morning. I wish I could just switch my feelings off like he clearly can.

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts so much. Unfortunately you do need to feel the pain to make you stronger.. you will stop thinking about it all the time but it will take time, just look after yourself and remember that. It WILL be ok.

I seem to recommend these books a lot but they helped me.. both quite easy reads. 'How to heal your heart' by Louise hay, and 'the unexpected joy of being single' by Catherine grey.

And have some

After some advice on here, I've decided to stay single for at least a year so I don't end up in another bad relationship so please can you remind me all the good parts about being single to help me get through?

It's sooo relaxing. And no pressure or feeling you have to do sexual 'chores' etc. It's liberating.

Also, what can I do to stop myself thinking about it - I literally went to sleep thinking about it last night, dreamt about it and woke up thinking about it this morning. I wish I could just switch my feelings off like he clearly can.

It's only been a few days, it's natural to be upset. I know it's tacky but time genuinely heals. You could also try making a list of all the wankerish things he did and said over the years, and how the incidents made you feel. Or if you're having a really hard time you could speak to your GP and look into meds, and/or get therapy.

My ex also found someone really quickly after we split 2.5 years ago but I have been single all that time aside from a few 1st dates. His stuff ended after a year or so but he's never found it as hard as I did.

I think what's nice about being single is that you can focus on yourself and don't have to deal with the anxieties and worries about someone else. The moment I start getting involved with anyone else, i become vulnerable and inevitably hurt. So actually I quite like being alone at times.

Being single? It's great! No more unwanted cleaning, cooking, rubbish TV programmes, being 'ssshhed' when you just want to talk, having someone ignore you in favour of their phone, being able to get up/go to bed when you want, eat what you feel like, fart resoundingly without someone saying 'that's disgusting', trying out new recipes without those silent disapproving faces, spending a whole day reading a book if you want to...

honestly. I will never again share my living space with a man.

It is still early days and it will hurt for a while, there are a lot of positives for being single but they won't lessen your pain right now. Take care of yourself and try not to dwell on your exdh.

I have been single for about 5yrs now and I am quite happy with it, when I finished my last relationship which wasn't terrible nor fantastic I was quite content. I found relationships required a lot of compromise on my side which was probably more to do with my partner of (poor)choice more than anything. I don't enjoy the emotional labour of relationships and having to adjust my lifestyle as it is in any way for someone else.

I have had a great time having "relationships" with men in that time but with no pressure on either side. All my emotional and all other human social needs met this way. I have felt cared for and cherished even if a formal relationship wasn't on the cards which suited me and them.

Some good points of singledom.
•control my own space and time
•Being able to socialise as and when I want.
• Having dc to myself and no one else imposing their rules or thoughts on her upbringing/my parenting.
• Eat as little or as much as I want without comment.
• no sexual labour like pp stated, can give myself an O better than any man, and no need to be discreet about it.
• control bills/outgoings and not have to pay stupid amounts for t.v or sport subscriptions.

In general it is great just to be an autonomous person without deferring to someone else in whichever way you can imagine. Relationships can be lovely in a lot of ways and one day I might want to be in one but I am not setting a time on being single and if I happen to meet someone who matches me then I will go for it. Being single means you have only yourself to love bar your children, you don't need to rely on someone to give you what you need when you can do it yourself.

Think of one thing you liked to do when you were in a relationship that you couldn't really do on a whim or had to compromise on and do it. Small steps.

The best bit is not having to keep your lady garden tidy.
Or shave your legs all the time.
The freedom of that alone is enough for me.
But also...
Eat what I want and when I want.
Watch what I want. A whole boxset over a weekend.
Stay up late.
Lay in bed if I fancy it.
No having to socialise if you don't want to.
Do what ever hobbies you like, every evening of the week if you want (not at the moment though)
See friends.
Getting a dog.
No putting on a good front for their family.
Get engrossed in a book for as long as you want without worrying you are neglecting them.
No worrying about what to cook so it suits both of you.
No floordrobe - so I have a lovely tidy bedroom all the time.
None of that 'boy' smell when you wake up in the morning.
Just sheer freedom!!

I've been single a good 2 years now but I did just recently buy THIS BOOK and I plan on reading it this weekend.

You can eat what you want.
Bed to yourself so no one hogging the duvet and you can pile all the pillows up to make a nest.
Watch whatever crap you want (currently rewatching Desperate Housewives again)

Sooo much. Sooo much.

Eating what I want, when I want- being able to diet or change my food habits without someone else undermining/tempting/ignoring.

Doing the online shopping knowing no one will change what's in the basket.

Things in the house staying where I leave them. I would always know where my stuff is!

Being able to socialise without taking him into account. Stay out, leave early, no one to consider.

Oh and less stuff in my house. Only my stuff. My books, my toiletries, my food.

so much. I love having the bed to myself, getting up and having a quiet coffee in bed.

It takes time OP, but you learn to value yourself, your own company and to put yourself first.

It's so nice not to have to cook for someone, wash their clothes, put up with their moods, watch what they want on tv, have to solve their problems, or be interested in their lives, or talk to them when you just want some quiet.

I've never met a man who doesn't want me to put them and their needs first. And it's so lovely to not have to do that.

Absolutely everything. My life is my own again.

You could try writing things down, OP, as they come into your head then try and move your thoughts on to nicer things. It's not easy but the more you get your life back the more you'll have to think about that isn't him

Thank you all for the replies.

There are definitely positives in that list I can identify with and feel a lot better having been reminded of them.

We've been seperated a few months now and I had been doing great. For some reason, I feel crap about it all this week. I don't miss him (and I'd never have him back), just having someone to share things with.

I've only recently moved out from my parents so maybe this is part of adapting being on my own. I'm going to try and make the most of it this weekend and binge watch a series on Netflix that I want to or read a whole book just because I can

just because I can
Yes indeed - and this sums up what is so great about being single.
It does take some getting used to.
Putting yourself first.
Enjoying things just for you.
It will take time but you will get there.
Enjoy your relaxing weekend OP!

I’ve been single over ten years and after previously always been with someone it was a revelation. It did take a few months of heartache to get over my marriage ending but even during that time many pluses shone through. Once the pain subsided I began to really enjoy just living with my DC and that has remained the case.

I don’t think it’s possible to see just how much you tend to subjugate yourself to the man , well I did ! It’s the subtle things like choosing between 2 recipes and always going for the one they would prefer. I second every advantage that’s been referred to and to add

Creating ambience with candles and no one comes in to switch on the overhead light
Not listening to the minutiae of their day and then not having any interest in return
Not enduring all the passive aggressive nonsense when we were due to something that wasn’t 100% to his taste eg asking 15 times “Is it Friday we are going to the Smiths for dinner ?” He found the Smiths boring
Not having to eat meat with every meal
Being able to like meditation/mindfulness etc without feeling like you have to excuse your interest

OP, I was fine when my exH moved out. Absolutely fine. The day I found out he had a new gf a few months later (and yes, like you it's very possible there was an overlap), I absolutely fell to pieces. I think that's a normal reaction.

you will get back on the recovery path you were on before, I promise you.

There is no compromising. This becomes addictive after a while. I’ve been single a couple of years and though I’d like another relationship at some point, I really don’t like the idea of compromising on my lifestyle choices. I ended my last relationship because even though he was a lovely bloke, the compromises became too much and I was starting to feel like I wasn’t being true to myself.
Now I just do what I want! I can accept any invitation I want, and book a holiday, day out or weekend away with DC without having to get ‘sign off’. I love my quiet evenings in when DC are with their dad.
Life just feels much more serene.