I'm resenting my mum since having my baby

[Hayley2407]

Sorry for the long rant!

So my mum claims she tried her best with me and my sister when we where younger and up untill having my little boy 10 months ago I believed her and sort of blocked out my child hood.
My mum and dad split up when I was 6 and I always had regular contact with my dad. She had numerous men living with us claiming he was "the one". My mum always drank and very rarely cooked. When I went to high school my mum worked in a pub so I spent most of my time there begging to go home at 10pm on a school night. When I turned into a teenager I rebelled (as teenagers often do) but I had no boundaries and my mum allowed alcohol and even went in to buy it for me on occasion! All my friends always thought she was really cool and the best mum ever! But all I wanted was comfort and to come home to a lovely tea rather than sitting on a bar stool till half 10 at night. My mum always said I was a witch and a typical teenager, but looking back now I was just a product of my own environment! I needed boundaries and love. Unfortunately me and my older sister wasn't her priority. I moved away to London when I was 19 and the couple of years before that we didn't get on atall, she'd tell me she hated me, she was ashamed of me and two days before I moved to London she said she couldn't wait for me to go.
I have never fell out with her but we've never been extremely close. When I got pregnant she was obsessed, and overwhelming! Couldn't wait to tell everyone she was going to be a nan but didn't respect my privacy atall and went on to tell all sorts of people!
I had my baby boy and she was again overwhelming and wanted to come round all the time. She smokes heavily and as I said drinks every single day sometimes all day.
The truth is I don't trust her to look after my baby and I'm really resenting her for my child hood since having him.
Am I being unreasonable?

Not at all. Sometimes having a child can be like a switch when you realise your own childhood was abusive/neglectful. It can take a long time for this to surface.
I would suggest talking to a professional therapist/counsellor about your childhood. You're carrying a lot and trying to make sense of it. This is normal.

Go low contact. Xmas and birthdays only. It will be the best thing you ever did. Smile, nod and ignore everything else.

I understand OP. Have same feelings towards my mother. I've decided after lockdown to really keep her at arms length.

You was neglected, if she was now a non drinking and smoking person then I would say maybe let her try and make it up to you, but as she is still that same person, then just keep her away if you can. You literally owe her nothing and are lucky your childhood wasnt worse. Enjoy your little boy :)

Low contact. You survived without her as a child. You cab survive now!

I understand, I really do. Do you think there's a chance that your dad leaving destroyed her as a person? That maybe it caused permanent damage? People deal with their demons in terrible ways, and sometimes others suffer because of it. It's no excuse but I'd be wanting to find out the psychological reason as to why she's behaved how she has.

I have a friend like you. Her mum used to give her a list of items to shoplift for her. You don't owe her much and I think you're fully entitled to distance yourself from the relationship. I don't think I could stand the selfishness of her behaviour.

My dm was so rubbish. Similar to yours op. As a dgm she tried handing out parenting tips and was very critical of my decisions - like allowing a dc to chose own tea for example - she never cooked for me - or helping - dc should be told not asked etc.
Been nc for many years now. No regrets.

YANBU at all!! She sounds awful. Congratulations on your baby

Your childhood sounds really dreadful.
You now have a child yourself, under the love for your child and resent that your childhood was so awful.

Children love routine. They love to know what's coming next. It gives them a feeling of security in this big world where they don't have any control.

Children gain comfort from boundaries, but as they grow in confidence from having tgem they pusg against them.

You have a child now OP.
You have control.
Do what's best for you and your son.
Frankly, I wouldn't factor your mother into these decisions.

I think you will be a great mum, through making different choices.

Personally, I wouldn't have a heavy drinker, drinking, around my child.

You are still not her priority; alcohol is her number 1.

Your mother was a drunkard, neglectful and supremely selfish parent to you when you were growing up and I daresay she has not changed fundamentally since then. Your sibling and you as a result had a neglected and chaotic sounding childhood. Its of no surprise to me at all that your dad left; disordered of thinking women like this cannot do relationships at all. BTW what if anything do you know about her own childhood, I ask only as that may provide some clues.

I would certainly keep her well away from both you and your child going forward. Your child too needs emotionally healthy role models and your mother does not fit the bill.

I would have a look at the thread entitled "well we took you to Stately Homes May 2020" and read the book called "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

The usual cliche is that you'll appreciate your mum and get closer when you have your own child, but it often works the opposite way IME and your eyes open to the bizzare things you just accepted as normal before you were a parent yourself!

Maybe she did do her best, it just wasn't very good. She was selfish - maybe she lacked the character not to be.

I wouldn't cut her out completely but absolutely don't ever leave your baby in the care of a heavy smoker who is also a heavy drinker! She only sees your child with you there. There is absolutely no obligation whatsoever to ever let her have your baby on her own. She doesn't have any rights over her grandchild.

Keep things light but civil - meet outdoors ideally, because she'll have smoke on her clothes. Let her join you on outings to the park but keep it light and don't be blackmailed into spending more time with ehr than you're comfortable with, or letting her take the baby anywhere.

I could’ve wrote most of this and I’m dreading my little boy arriving in 3 weeks. My mums the exact same

Oh, that's horrible. Your Mum doesn't sound like she was the greatest Mum on the planet.

I wouldn't trust her to look after her Grandchild either if she's drinking in the day, and I also don't blame you for resenting her at all.

I had a very different upbringing to you, but it was also shit looking back and my parents were incredibly selfish and did nothing for me and my brother.

Having a baby really makes you question your upbringing and it's so hard to believe that your own Mum could treat you a certain way. I'm considering bringing it up with my Mum one day, but haven't got the balls yet. Maybe you could be honest with her and talk it through if you have more balls than me x

I'm due to give birth soon and honestly I could have written this post myself! My mother would drag me and my siblings to parties all hours of the night and leave us to sleep on living room floors and miss school the next day. She was physically, mentally and financially abusive towards my father until he had enough and left. She never put us first and when I finally got the courage to leave she stole from me and then i didnt see her for a very long time. She always made sure we knew that she didnt want us.

Since being pregnant I've realised how awful she was as a parent so I totally understand what you're going through. She has tried her best to force herself back into my life now I'm having a baby but I'm keeping her at arms length. Shes the most selfish person I have ever met and I dont want her too close to my child. I dont really have any advice but I just wanted to say I understand and you definitely arent being unreasonable. One positive is that you'll be an amazing mum because you know to be the opposite of your own mum congratulations on your little boy!

When I had DD it brought up so many emotions about my childhood. I just cannot even fathom acting in the way DM did towards my siblings and I. Endless random people in/out of our lives, with no thought as to whether they were remotely safe around children. I look back with complete horror at some things.

I am now low contact. She will never look after DD, even for a moment. I meet her outside for a walk or something else time limited. We don't talk about anything deep and I've stopped looking for that parent who doesn't exist.

The fact that you've thought this shows you are a fantastic mother. Enjoy your baby, ignore everything else.

This happened to me OP and ultimately ruined our relationship. It brought up a lot of resentment for me because she wouldn’t take any accountability. I think it’s quite common. Therapy helps if you feel you have unresolved issues. Only you can decide if your relationship with your mother can continue.

Nope you’re not unreasonable.
You experienced her neglectful parenting first hand and she appears to still have the same issues as she had when you were young. Of course you don’t want her looking after your prescious baby.

I’ll bet you’re a fab mum and have used your experiences to show you what really matters in parenting.

I agree with others about going very low contact and make sure you maintain boundaries and don’t let her push you into anything you don’t want.

Don’t let her overwhelm you, it’s up to you if she comes round. I too would go low contact.

Thanks so much every one for your replies! It's really effected my mental health after having Benjamin and I wish it was different. But it's give me reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

Think I need to have it out with her when I'm ready