Over reacting? Handwashing.

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Totally fed up with DH not washing his hands after using the toilet. I had noticed it occasionally over the years, but once coronavirus was around I tackled him on it, and he said "okay, I get it". I have had to remind at least once since then. Yesterday when he got in from work he was suspiciously quick in the bathroom. Later he used the toilet while I was in the bathroom, not only did he flush the toilet (right beside the bath) and close the lid afterwards, he then did his default wet his fingertips, no soap, then wipe fingers on towel. I challenged him and he said he forgot. After I got out the bath I told him I was going for a walk to think things over as I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't wash their hands. He was still indignant, said he just forgot. I came back just after he went to bed. Slept on the sofa. He's gone to work. Not really spoken. I don't know how to resolve this. I really don't think I should have to put up with sharing a home with someone who lacks basic hygiene. It was not a one off, although he'll try to say it is.

How long have you guys been together/married?
I think if it’s a long relationship and you’ve known about it and shrugged it off until there was a pandemic then your overreacting but if you didn’t know the extent of it prior then it’s worth telling him it’s seriously tainted him in your eyes and if he doesn’t change your going to have to end it.

It have would put me off from the start.

Married ages. There are probably many things I have put up with over the years that I shouldn't have. I have got better at standing my ground. He has a habit of trying to fob me off by making it sound like he's accepted what I'm saying. It seems ridiculous to split over this, buy why can he not just wash his hands?

Not washing your hands is unhygienic but maybe he resents you telling him, perhaps ask him rather than challenge him.

I say challenged, I forget exactly what I said the first time, it was probably more of an ask. But by the third time, I was getting a pretty short fuse.

I'm not sure I could live like that either.

Stick up a big poster suitable for a child with pictures how to wash hands.

I got fed up with DSS not washing his hands or flushing the toilet so every time he went to the loo around me I’d shout wash your hands and flush the loo, after about 3 days he started doing it on his own and has done since. Maybe you just need to condition him into it like you would a child?

I couldn’t cope with someone who didn’t practice basic hygiene. In fact, I was dating someone and the last time I saw him was when he just gave his hands a quick swill after using the toilet. Bleugh.

OP, I understand you fully, hygiene is ingrained in childhood, however in some household it was not reinforced. It's really not nice when people do not wash their hands after using the toilet. I stopped inviting my young girl to dine with me because she never washes her hands after using the toilet.

When I am cooking, she sometimes wants to help and just start cutting the salad without washing her hands and it really put me off. It's good manners to wash your hands when if you live on your own.

Hygiene is important to me and even to have partner who does not shower or bathes everyday would be a deal breaker for me. He is an adult, he does not need to be told that he should wash his hands. Why was this not an issue from the beginning?

I'm actually a bit meh about the loo and hand washing. BUT....
Can you focus on the biggest risk area...
Entering the house. Can you ask him to make sure he washes properly everytime he comes home.
Sit and have a rational conversation about why it's important to you. How you don't want to be exposed more than necessary. If he still refuses......then

If I had my time again, I'd do it differently, certainly. But I think it was our second home together before I realised, due to living arrangements and bathroom set ups. Or else, he used to use soap and he stopped when we were in our second home together.

I have explained why, he acts like he's taken it on board. Same with sharing the housework, I imagine many of you are familiar with the cycle. So many things have improved though.

Geez, if he can't manage it after a visit to the toilet, I doubt he'd do it after supermarket trips, before eating, and numerous other times throughout the day when you should especially now. It's people like him who can easily become super spreaders. Apart from that, the idea of how unclean he could be before touching you intimately, would put off ever being intimate. I'm thinking he could be a big UTI risk too, hope you don't get frequent bouts of cystitis, but if you did, I'd suspect his poor hygiene as the cause, which would put me off him totally. I hope he showers daily.

Some people are so weird with this - I have a friend who refuses to wash her hands in public bathrooms because she 'doesn't like the smell of the soap'! She doesn't use hand sanitizer afterwards either (or she didn't pre-Covid). Makes me feel sick. How can people happily touch toilets and NOT wash afterwards?? It is gross op, you are not overreacting.

Of course you're not over reacting. It's absolutely disgusting.

It could expose you both to some very unpleasant tummy bugs etc.

IDK if it'd work but maybe you could stick up a note in the bathroom saying 'Please wash hands thoroughly?'

It does seem like he's deliberately not being arsed.

Yeah, I would say he's just not arsed. He will never admit this. I can't relate to "forgetting" to use soap. It's right there!

Urgh. Does he get bugs/sick often from his lack of hygiene?

Would he use hand sanitizer instead? Not sure why he would if he has no interest in cleanliness but it is less 'faff'.

Thanks all, we have had a frank discussion now that he is home. Probably one of our better ones. He was shocked that, in his view, things escalated quickly. I explained that in fact it has been escalating over months as I have asked him before to wash his hands, and not doing so suggests to me that he cares very little for me and DS. He says he does, and that it was a one off. I put it to him that I found that very hard to believe. Upshot is I'm not going to break DS's heart over this, or anyone else's. So the subject is now closed.

So does that mean you will just carry on as things are, with him still not washing his hands?

No, he tells me he does wash his hands, and forgot on that occasion. I've explained why I find that hard to believe and why this could be a deal breaker for me. Fortunately our home is small enough that I can often tell how long he spends washing his hands and he in under no illusions that it could be the end if it happens again.