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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My relationship had ended in Lockdown - help.

13 replies

redtypistbluetypist · 02/07/2020 00:50

My DP and I have been apart from months and now he has decided its over. It's a big surprise as everything felt fine before.
I'm on furlough so the days are long. How do I get through this?
The thought of being single again makes me sick and panicky. I wish it didn't but it does.
Any tips? My self esteem is on the floor.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 02/07/2020 01:59

It’s harder not knowing the background.

However:

You can take solace in the fact that you are indeed good enough. Your worth should not be tied to one person’s opinion. Even if you love them. Your worth and value is beyond their estimation and at very low times might be beyond your own estimation.

Take comfort in the hard truths. You ARE single again. But, you’re still who you are and you need to lean right into that

You need to have those low moments and cry, but also please look at who you are. You obviously have many great qualities... I would have written a tirade about this with... horrible language and horrible actions. You are measured and just feeling low.

Tips:

Come on now... guy likely had some faults? Think on them, and revel because your free

Seek your friends and family who care. They have been there (I don’t even know you and I’ve been in a situation like yours... the bones of it at least because you didn’t flesh it all out)

Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Whenever you feel sad or want to rage or cry or even reach out to him go and do something beneficial for yourself.

Don’t contact him. Go dark and silent. I promise you it’s the best way. He will likely reach out after so many days, weeks, months (hell had someone Reach out after 10 years!!) but this isn’t to “get them back” this Is to get you back.

Please bank on yourself. It’s so hard. I know it. But please ignore them for awhile. Read your post and imagine a friend wrote it... you know you can’t actually love anyone of you don’t love yourself.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this heartbreak.

Lemonade525 · 02/07/2020 02:08

In similar situation
I have found that nothing helps, I cry and cry, let all the pain out. Accepting the relationship is over and accepting pain is normal and it will be painful for a while. You have to sit in the pain and accept it, you can't run from it. The sooner you accept the pain, and grieve, face it head on the sooner you will heal.
I'm about 6 weeks into it, not crying as much and days are getting easier.

AGoodYearfortheRoses · 02/07/2020 07:21

Sorry to hear this, I’m in the same situation and it’s unbearable especially at the moment when there’s not much you can do to distract yourself. The future feels bleak enough without having to face it on your own.

All I can say is be kind to yourself and let yourself be sad, I wish I could offer some better advice x

Eesha · 02/07/2020 07:28

@JustKittenAround brilliant advice

Echo the same, your worth isn't tied to one person. It's awful but days will get a tiny bit easier each time

Mumteedum · 02/07/2020 07:29

Yes I had same. It's v hard and even harder when6tge world is all mixed up too.

But... We can see friends and family now so reach out and connect with people who make you feel good.

Yes! To pp who said go no contact. You don't have to stay no contact but you need it to heal. I tried to stay in contact and leave the door open for us to come back and all it did was confuse and hurt me more.

Do stuff that makes you feel like you. Watch your kind of films, read books, go for runs or walks or do yoga... Whatever is going to make you feel connected to yourself. I read total trash that I loved as a younger me and it helped. Just weirdly... Took my mind off it and felt connected to the younger me!

You will be OK. Plod through. It hurts so much I know.

Lampan · 02/07/2020 07:33

Having a daily routine is the key to furlough days. Meals at set times, exercise every day, some housework every day etc. Helps the days to fly by.

redtypistbluetypist · 02/07/2020 13:37

Thank you to everyone who replied and all the good advice.
Sorry to everyone going through the same.
Still very shocked and so sad that my life is changing yet again.
Very angry at him but I know he is allowed to change his mind, it just bloody hurts.

OP posts:
springrollover · 02/07/2020 14:12

How long were you together ? What were his reasons for finishing your relationship ?
It's that old adage of letting time pass & the hurt will lessen, you'll start to bounce back in little bits. Baby steps now, let out all your pain & anger. Don't hold it in. Sending you positive thoughts 💐

redtypistbluetypist · 02/07/2020 14:39

3 years. He didn't think we had a future together, which came as a surprise to me as we got on so well.
I know the drill. Not my first breakup rodeo. But it hurts. And it does help to talk so thank you.

OP posts:
toucancancan · 02/07/2020 14:44

Get out as much as you can, walk, listen to podcast and music, find a boxset to concentrate on, it will give you something else to think about whilst you are falling asleep. Be aware of your thoughts, you can change them. If you are dwelling on him, ask yourself whether that thought is helping you move forward, or giving you insight, if so that's good, if it's just torturing you, try to change your thoughts, or distract yourself.

toucancancan · 02/07/2020 14:48

I'm about two months ahead of you in a relationship break up, and from here life's looking good, exciting and positive. You will get there, it takes time and distractions and the warmth of good friends, crying when you need to, processing what's happened. If you download and listen to some of Jay Shetty's podcasts on relationships it may help you see clearly whether you were matched, and help you understand what to take from this relationship to learn and grow and benefit from in the future.

redtypistbluetypist · 02/07/2020 15:25

Thanks Toucancancan, especially for that podcast rec. I will look it up.

OP posts:
toucancancan · 02/07/2020 16:01

Please do, he's amazing! It has given me so much insight, and I'm in my 40s! Thought I should have known it all by now!

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