Please help - advice before telling the children

[Whatonearth2020]

Hi all, I’ve posted already with my backstory. Now I have to face the fact that on Friday my 3 DS are going to have their world shattered. I can’t eat or sleep and feel in physical pain at what is facing them. STBXH says it’s for the best and it will be a learning experience for them...

So my plan is this - around 3pm we will all go into the garden if it’s not raining, and then he will have to tell them, I have agreed not to mention OW and to maintain the story that it’s a mutual decision. We will tell them mummy and daddy don’t make each other happy any more, and that we have taken a long time to make this decision. That we are so sorry for hurting them but that we will remain a team and try to be the very best parents we can be. And that we love them and this has absolutely nothing to do with anything that they have done.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? I would do anything to make this easier for them. I’m sick with worrying about my babies and how this is happening.

Thank you in advance.

Oh no
Sorry you are going through this 😥😥
How your maintaining your self I don't know
I would leave him tell them keep it short and sweet and keep it upbeat , he'll see them all the time etc ..
I've gone through this it won't be as bad as you think ,reassuring them that you will both be there for them all time
Then when ye are finished get him on his own and tell him go fuck himself 😡😡😡

Could you maybe use the example of any friends parents who aren't together so rather than them going into the unknown they can compare to joey up the road who's parents live in different houses but they see both?

Or depending on their ages talk more age appropriate?
How old are they?

Stay strong. I can't imagine how hard this is for you but as a child of on/ off parents the most important thing is to keep explaining how loved they are and it's not their fault and how they still have both parents etc
Maybe focus on 2 birthdays / Christmases etc- may sound insensitive but sometimes kids can use that type of thing as a distraction.

Sending big hugs.

The most important thing is to be able to tell them how their life will actually be, in practical terms. So how often will they see him, where will he live, will they have two bedrooms. Etc.

They will need to know what's going to happen.

Went through this a few months ago - and like you was agonising about how it’d go.
Kids surprised me.
Practical details was what they wanted to know about.

• where they will live?
• who will take care of them?
• when will they see the other paren?

Etc. They didn’t seem as broken as I imagined them. And they were reassured - because we had all of the details worked out.

Main thing is to keep calm and composed.

couldn't agree more with the above two posters -
my kids worlds were not shattered, it was a shock but the best thing was being able to tell them
practically what would happen; where is he going, how often will they see him. what is changing essentially.

The more you know and the more you present that confidently, the safer they will feel.

Kids are self centred - make it all about how it effects them in practical terms and not the wider family breakdown / emotions that you are experiencing.

I think this is why the older the child is the harder it is as they will feel it more emotionally than younger kids, aside from personality obviously.

I actually can't believe how well they have done since telling them however I appreciate your situation is different if OW and i can't imagine how hard it will be for you knowing that.

I am sorry you are going through this

Just a small practical thing I wish I had thought of - think about how you open the conversation and gather them together. My ex shouted up the stairs 'can you just come down for a minute?' just as we had done a million times before when we wanted to talk about meals or day trip plans etc. This meant for months afterwards if I asked then to come down so I could speak to them they immediately panicked and thought I was about to tell them something else awful.

It will be hard but they will be ok.

Talk about when they will see him and the exciting things he will do with them, make it sound positive to them. Mine were adults so told the truth.

Oh op. I don't know your full story but I also went through this 2.5 years ago. My exh had an affair, I found out and we told the kids we were separating the next day. We also didn't mention the OW and said very similar things to you.

It was really hard as we weren't unhappy and were a really close, happy family (or so I and the kids thought) so it was a complete shock to them.

I used their cousin as an example as his parents had separated but still saw a lot of each other and all got on well. I had to dig very deep to remain civil to him but over time it has gotten easier as the pain has eased. Him breaking up with the OW late last year really helped with that though, I have to admit.

The kids are doing really well - they see me and their dad 60/40.

Best of luck, feel free to PM me if I can help at all.

Thank you for all advice. DS are 12,10,9

I have researched as much as possible and worked up a list of 45 questions they might ask so we have prepared answers - of course I know they will ask something else!

We know where they will be going and when. ExH is currently setting up his house. They will stay in the same schools.

Unfortunately we don’t know many people in the same position but there are a couple.

I have known since start of lockdown but they don’t suspect. It will be an awful shock.

If anyone has further advice I would appreciate it. They are my sole concern so whatever is best for them.

Thank you

I should add I have spoken to school and lined up support packages for them there if they want it

Op, I feel for you. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do for my kids a few months ago. I absolutely dreaded it. My situation was different but I think the dread stopped me ending the marriage sooner. But, you know what? I built it up to be such an awful thing that the reality was it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought. Children are amazingly resilient. Of course they will be upset but they will pick themselves up and life will carry on. They will still want their meals and snacks and to be ferried here there and everywhere and they’ll soon realise that the sky hasn’t fallen in.

As for your H, sharing the burden of the decision to split is so unfair (but right for TY r children at the moment) but your children will grow and mature and, in time, they will know exactly what happened and , even if just privately to themselves, will be in awe of how you managed to do this for them.

And, yes, definitely afterwards find a ome private time to explain to your h exactly what you think of him!

Really good luck!

It sounds like you are doing all you can op. I also spoke to school in case they needed support.

As for your H, sharing the burden of the decision to split is so unfair (but right for TY r children at the moment) but your children will grow and mature and, in time, they will know exactly what happened and , even if just privately to themselves, will be in awe of how you managed to do this for them.

This is what I found the hardest too. I have always said to my exh that I won't voluntarily tell our children what he did but if they ask when they get older what really happened then I won't lie to them and he has to be prepared for that.

Having been in the children's situation many years ago, whilst I understand leaving the OW out of the conversation now, they will likely very quickly work out the real situation so be careful. They might feel you or he have lied to them down the line.

I think as long as you explain why you kept it from them (to not further upset them/they were a little young to understand/to not damage their relationship with their dad during a difficult time in my case). You have to make the decision you think is best for them at the time as their mum and I guess you're not always going to get it right in their eyes further down the line.

I have lifelong trauma from childhood regarding how my father called me and my sister to announce him and our mother were separating. I have never felt so frightened and devastated. It was totally unnecessary. A few years previously he had moved out for an entire year to attend college in another town. This was not at all upsetting. Does there need to be a dramatic announcement? How about you just calmly announce the new living arrangements?

Please get rid of your thoughts that their world is going to be shattered, it really isn’t, not if you don’t want it to be.

Their world will be different than it was but it can still be great. I’ve been the child of divorced parents and it was shit, they handled it so badly.

When I split with my ex we were both determined DD would still have the best life. 20 years later and I can honestly say (and so would she) that she had a great childhood, and is now a happy and successful adult.

I won’t lie, it’s hard but your children don’t have to have a shattered world.

Good luck, I hope it goes well. Put on your smiley face and try to be as positive as you can.

I agree about not going for the big announcement, our kids have been absolutely fine since we separated three years ago, the oldest two weren't surprised at all. The key thing is to reassure them that you still like and care about their other parent so you can move forward amicably. In my experience it's not the divorce that's upsetting for kids it's the fighting, either in the home or afterwards that causes them to be upset

I have agreed not to mention OW and to maintain the story that it’s a mutual decision
Why are you accepting any blame for this?
I wouldn't and I didn't!
Your DC are not stupid.
When we told our DD, DH told her that he didn't love mum any more. I was not prepared to accept any blame for his wandering cock.
Anyway.... she was 11.
A couple of weeks later we were out shopping just me and DD and she asked why we were really splitting up.
'Why do you ask that?' I queried.
'Well he's obviously cheating on you mum. It's hardly rocket science'
Never underestimate your DC.

Thank you for all your replies. For those who advised against a formal sit down I would really be keen to understand how you did it instead?

In terms of hiding OW, he says she’s not in the picture (I don’t believe it) and that it’s not age appropriate to tell them. I reluctantly agree. He’s apparently not leaving me for her, there are other factors...

Actually, I think his sanitised version introduces the idea that people can just stop loving you, and that can be frightening for kids.
He should man up, own his shit, explain he still loves them and will still be their Dad, but has decided to leave Mummy and will move out.

My exh didn't leave me for the OW either. I have no idea if he would have done had I not found out when I did but they did stay together after I threw him out for 2 years. Most of that I think was because they did so much damage by having their affair that they kind of had to so that it wasn't all for nothing.

In the end I think her being 13 years younger and at a totally different life stage to him caused too many issues.my heart bled, as you can imagine. We get on much better now though that I know she is out of my life and my kids lives. I did say to him at the time that if the kids ask one day and they are still together, she would have to deal with that too.