DIY relationship counselling?

[kissgoodnightsam]

Just that really...has anyone managed to sort out relationship issues themselves? We really need to go to counselling but obviously no counsellors are open at the moment. There's nothing too urgent, (no abuse or anything similar), but ongoing communication issues and negative patterns which have come to the fore being stuck at home together all day every day. Is there like a book or online course we could work through together? We;'re both intelligent, sensible people who are both up for working on this together.

All counsellors I know have been working through the whole period. It's always been fine to go out for mental health appointments - and of course many are working online

Everyone I know is inundated

Oh really? The ones I've looked at aren't seeing people face to face, only online or telephone, and there's no way we could do it from home.

I think most therapists are just doing online/phone. Even my psychologist is.

And psychiatrist, come to that.

Try the counselling directory for a private therapist ?

Relate and nhs are mostly working online

For what BIL and SIL were paying for counselling. As well as ring fencing that time together.
They decided to invest that time and money into meals out together etc, date nights if you like.

yes NoMoreDickheads, that's what I thought. And we're never alone at home so can't do online.

Anyone have any suggestions of books etc to work through together? I could choose a random one from Amazon but wanted to get a recommendation first if possible.

"there's no way we could do it from home."

Why not? It's really easy to do counselling via video chat from home.

If you have young kids it's great because you don't have to worry about a babysitter, you can just do it after they're in bed.

However, if you want a self-help approach, you could try the Gottman method - there's a book called "the seven principles for making marriage work" and it looks like they have an online course too:
www.gottman.com/product/the-art-and-science-of-love-online/

John Gottman is a brilliant relationship therapist - written a few books. Also Thomas Gordon (Parent Effectiveness Training - based on respectful relationships, great model for any relationship) and non-violent communication are great. Xx

Cross post.

"we're never alone at home so can't do online."
Do you have older kids or live with other adults or something?

AnotherEmma - we live with our mother in law, two teenagers and a toddler. There's just no way.

Eek. Rather you than me

"For what BIL and SIL were paying for counselling. As well as ring fencing that time together.
They decided to invest that time and money into meals out together etc, date nights if you like."

We've thought about this. A coffee and proper chat once a week. But we probably wouldn't delve into past issues we really need to 'air'.
How did it got for your BIL and SIL?

"Eek. Rather you than me"

Exactly!!

Thanks kk66 - I will look up John Gottman.

I'm a r/ship counsellor and working online with couples - a lot video call from their car for privacy from family members in the home. It's doable. Relate have some good online advice and books etc, they can be quite practical in approach. But as a r/ship counsellor I would suggest that someone specialist to try and help pin point the issues is always worth it to start with, even if you continue to do some exploration work on your own?

Actually this is what I'd get
www.gottman.com/product/seven-principles-couples-set/

Thanks for the Gottman course link AnotherEmma - will definitely take a look at that.

OP my DH is a counsellor (not couples but other things) and has done some face to face work (I cant describe it because of confidentiality even to the extent of broadly what it is (I obviously don’t know the client’s details etc)).
But... I see a counsellor based at a center and I’ve just started going back face to face.
I’m sure someone will!!
Do use the BACP website or counsellor directory.
Good luck !!!

Also frequently a counsellor can facilitate harder conversations than you would on your own, especially if one or both of you can be quite avoidant of harder stuff (most couples who have got into bad patterns usually are)

Zoom calls. It's doable.

Porger80 - you summed it up exactly there, we do avoid discussing some difficult issues from the past. On the surface we’re fine and dandy, but simmering underneath is years of stuff that we’ve never quite got to the bottom of. Think it needs a counsellor more than a coffee and a walk...

What do think a counsellor can do? What is this simmering stuff? Why do you need to get to the bottom if it?

@kissgoodnightsam good luck if you decide to go for it. Be open minded and ready to make some changes (and hopefully your partner will be ready to do the same). Unfortunately r/ship counsellors don't have a magic wand but the process can really work. If you're not feeling your counsellor is 'right' then change, but don't be put off if a counsellor makes you feel uncomfortable some of the time, as long as you feel they are pushing you in the right direction. Hope that makes sense.

FWIW I think it's absolutely worth getting actual counselling if you can organise it.