How to encourage DH to eat healthy?

[Bookaholic73]

Myself and DH have been trying to get healthy over the past year.
I’ve started losing weight (lost a stone so far, but still have a few stones to lose) and eating healthy.

My DH on the other hand is getting bigger by the month.
I posted about this a few months ago, and was slated for finding him less sexy and less of a turn on now that his belly is massive and he doesn’t show any restraint around food.

Not only do I physically find him less of a turn on, but I also find his whole attitude really exhausting.

Regularly he’ll have conversations with me about how he needs to stop eating junk food, and loads of sandwiches.

Then this evening he has eaten 3 sandwiches, as well as a massive portion of curry.

How can I encourage him to eat healthier?

@ErickBroch I can’t not have bread in the house! I have 2 teenagers in the house who need to eat.
There is always plenty of fruit to snack on, but he never eats fruit.

Is he competitive? Would he use My Fitness Pal, or one of the weight loss sites?

Ultimately though you know it can only come from him, I know myself that I dig my heels in if someone suggests a weight loss method to me.

Is he bored in the evening and got into eating as an entertaining habit? What about religiously going out for a walk after dinner each night to help break the cycle?

He’s all talk.

@pinacoladalover

Anne, it was not a negative comment at all. I said it in a way that usually men won't get out of the way to cook extra for themselves if something else is offered. By using that context you made me feel really offended. Someone else mentioned same thing as you without using the word thick. I understand I generalised and should not have. Please be mindfull of your words some people are sensitive and might damage them. It was unkind if my feelings were so much affected. I think I will leave this site. Sorry to PP derail this thread.

Your sexism hurts my feelings. You become less sensitive when you can admit you're wrong. Try saying less ignorant things next time?

It's a tough one OP. My DP is the same - desperately needs to lose weight, says he wants to, but won't/ can't cut down on his eating.

We always have plenty of fruit & veg in the house and I've even asked him if there's anything else he'd snack on. He says no, he'll have carrots or whatever, then eats ALL the DC's chicken/ ham for their sandwiches, that sort of thing.

He is a big drinker too and refuses to believe that that could have any effect on his weight loss plans

I would second making plans for the evening though, even if it's just a walk - get him out of the house and away from the snacks! We used to go to the gym, play badminton etc as well.

Is there anything which would really motivate your DP? Planning a walking holiday and upping his exercise to prepare for it, maybe?

Well done on your weight loss too by the way!

Thanks everyone.

We do get out about 4 evenings a week, to play tennis, go surfing etc. But the second he is back in the house, he is in the kitchen eating. Not just a quick snack..but sandwiches (2 or 3 at a time) or to put chips in the oven! When he’s already eaten!

For example. I finished work at 4pm yesterday and hadn’t eaten lunch, so was hungry. I had a bagel at 4.30pm, so when dinner came around at 6pm I wasn’t hungry.

About 8pm I started feeling like I could eat some dinner. Not only had he eaten all the leftovers ( enough for another portion) AND eaten a huge main portion for dinner...but the second I started making myself something, he made himself 2 jam sandwiches.

I mentioned it, and he was like “well, you’re eating too”! Yes..but that was the 1st (and only) meal I ate!

So basically, yesterday he ate:
Huge bowl of porridge for breakfast
Leftover prawn risotto for lunch (I’d say a reasonable sized portion)
A massive portion of dinner
Another portion of dinner (leftovers)
2 jam sandwiches
A bag of sweets.

I think all you can do is talk to him about it. I am in a similar situation, but we've reached a point (after several years of figuring out how to talk about weight without feeling upset with each other) where we can work on it together. My DH even has a similar tick - peanut butter sandwiches last thing at night! In his case, a lot of it is emotional eating. Certainly not 'gluttony'. Here's what works for us.

Try talking at a moment when he is not actually eating, so it's calmer. Maybe when he brings it up himself, saying he wants to lose weight. Something like, "I've noticed you tend to eat sandwiches in the evening, when we get back from a walk. What's going on there? Is it that you're really hungry then, or that it's a habit, or do you feel upset and want to cheer yourself up?"

Listen to what his says, and specifically listen for whether he himself is happy about the fact he does this. It might well be that he doesn't want to be eating those sandwiches but feels he needs them/its a compulsion.

Then you can ask, "Is there anything I can do, to help you break that habit?" Wait to see what he says.

If he's eating out of compulsion, some possibilities might be not buying bread or putting the bread in the freezer/in an out-of-the-way cupboard. Coming up with something else he can do/eat or drink at that time, like have a hot drink. Or you could agree that at that 'trigger' time, you'll talk to each other. "Ok, we're home. Now's when you usually feel the need to eat. How are you feeling now? Do you want me to distract you?"

And in terms of portions - something I really struggle with - what helps me is dishing out a reasonable sized portion and then immediately putting the rest away somewhere. Either in the fridge, or just covering it up. Sometimes if we eat in a different room to the kitchen it helps. Plus I have asked my DH to ask me, when I'm about to take a second portion, if I really want it. I am not offended because I've specifically asked him to do that, and if I say 'yes I do' I know he won't be judgmental AT ALL.

@EllaEllaE I love that you have that with your DH. I’ve tried talking to him, being sensitive, asking how I can help, but I guess I could try again.
Thank you, your answer is so lovely and not judgemental at all.
I really appreciate it.

I will add that it took us a while to get here. And he has a good therapist who works with him on the core issues that 1) cause him to emotionally eat and 2) the shame he feels that used to make any conversations about his weight so difficult.

I don't know if your DH is similar @EllaEllaE, but mine claims that he has to clear his plate as MIL used to insist on it when he was growing up. He will literally just eat and eat whatever's put on his plate without stopping to think "I'm full now", "I could save the rest for later", "That was too big a portion" or whatever.

It took me ages to stop him tipping all of a takeaway onto his plate and just scoffing the lot; at least he'll now put a bit on, decide if he wants the rest and if not, save it for another time.

The annoying thing was that after eating these massive portions he will often feel or even be physically sick!! It's like he simply cannot say no to food if it's in front of him!

I mentioned it, and he was like “well, you’re eating too”! Yes..but that was the 1st (and only) meal I ate!

Personally I don't think this is a very nice or sensitive thing to say/do.

Also it seems a little like you're only so bothered now that you've made the decision to eat and live better? What was your attitude towards his looks and his food choices before you decided to make changes? I'm not being critical btw, just curious.

OP, what is the end point of all this for you if he doesn't change? Is it a deal breaker for your marriage? Because, frankly, I don't think you can change people, and I'm not even convinced that most people can change themselves beyond a fairly narrow margin. So if he doesn't change, what does that mean for you?

@Abitouting

I mentioned it, and he was like “well, you’re eating too”! Yes..but that was the 1st (and only) meal I ate!

Personally I don't think this is a very nice or sensitive thing to say/do.

Also it seems a little like you're only so bothered now that you've made the decision to eat and live better? What was your attitude towards his looks and his food choices before you decided to make changes? I'm not being critical btw, just curious.

I’m not bothered just because I’m eating better, I’m bothered because we both made a commitment to eating healthier, and I am the only person doing it. It’s the mindset behind it that is bothering me the most.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

OP, what is the end point of all this for you if he doesn't change? Is it a deal breaker for your marriage? Because, frankly, I don't think you can change people, and I'm not even convinced that most people can change themselves beyond a fairly narrow margin. So if he doesn't change, what does that mean for you?

I don’t know to be honest. I lobe him as a person, it’s not just a physical thing for me. The person I fell in love with would be able to join me playing tennis for a few hours, go hiking at weekends, enjoy making food with me. DH isn’t able to do as much of that any more, as his size prevents him (and his only interest in food is eating it, not cooking it).

I think that all I can do is carry on being a positive role model and hope it rubs off on him.

Hiya OP I feel for you. Similar situation here. DH took up baking as his lockdown hobby and then did his back in and couldn’t move. I nurtured him and got him healthy and then begged him to use his time to build up his core, do stretching exercises, Pilates for lower back, join me when I do my yoga - anything!! Three days in and he’s back to baking and excessive eating. I’m terrified he’ll end up like is mum who is completely immobile and has been since the age of 65 because of bad diet, low exercise and morbid obesity.

For my DH something has to switch in his brain, I can’t do anything about it. His nephew is massive and started slimming world, which is helping. The competitive nature of it actually seems to suit blokes it seems. Maybe something competitive would motivate him to stop the late night feasting?

@adreamofspring it can be frustrating can’t it.
DH’s dad is obese too, and eats a terrible diet. He is almost disabled because of his weight, and all the associated illnesses. I don’t want my DH to end up the same.

He doesn’t seem to cate about the competition, he doesn’t have any motivation to change.

Does your DH worry about his DF @Bookaholic73? I've realised that I need to tackle my weight problem (about 3st to lose) because my DM sounds the same as your FIL; she has mobility issues and finds it hard to lose weight, so she eats a bit more to console herself, and so on. I just think it could easily be me in a few years and much as I love my DM, it's hard to watch her doing it to herself. I just wondered if you could discuss that with your DH - the importance of doing something (even making small changes) before it gets to the point where he is having more physical issues?

@RubySlippers77 yes he definitely is worried. I think that’s a good idea actually, thanks for your suggestion.
I don’t want to be insensitive, so I’ll have to think about how to word it to him.

We are off out for a walk today, so at least he is getting exercise.

It’s really difficult because ultimately he has to be the one who decides to change his eating habits. How he does that will come down to what type of person he is. Why he is over-eating is also really important. He will know he’s eating too much, it’s the “why” that’s the crucial bit. My DH has put on about 5 stone since we met and in all that time he’s always been “losing weight”. I have encouraged, supported, reasoned and had so many conversations around food and he knows all of the science behind it (he can recite any number of nutritional/health facts and knows pretty much every type of diet/regime going) but nine of it matters because he’s a stress/comfort eater and he hasn’t done any work on coping with stress or trying to find another source of comfort other than food. We’ve had so many “therapy” type conversations over the years which I think have helped him understand things. I recently had to do a blood pressure reading so he did his. It was literally off the chart (I out his numbers into the NHS web checker and it said to contact a GP immediately!) so he’s currently waiting to find out if he needs medication. He’s too young to be this unhealthy and I think it might be the thing that he’s needed to make some changes. I said to him the other night that I’d resigned myself to a heart attack being the thing that made him change. What seems to have worked for him is technology. He got a Peleton and has been using it. He’s also started recording what he eats and has been surprised at the actual calories he’s been eating (I’ve managed not to scream “I KNOW!” when he shows me how calorific his usual lunch etc is!). My Fitness Pal is good for tracking calories. It may help if he can see how much he eating and then work out how much exercise he would need to do to burn that off, without even losing any excess weight. It is so difficult to watch someone you love hurt themselves. Good luck and I hope he finds the thing he needs to change.

Well done on the weight loss and healthy living! It’s not a popular opinion on here but I am totally with you. My husband is almost unrecognisable to when we met and I know he would be happier if he lost some weight. He goes through periods of exercising and eating healthily but soon slips back into old habits. It has to come from him to be honest. I don’t think there is much you can do other then make sure there are healthy options available and praise any attempt he makes.

I don’t want to be insensitive, so I’ll have to think about how to word it to him.

Do you think this is maybe the problem? Youre being too sensitive, and not giving him the home truths he needs to hear. Maybe it's time to sit down with him and say that you need to have a difficult conversation, that you don't want to hurt him but that trying to be gentle isn't working anymore. Then just lay it out for him. You don't find him attractive anymore, you want to be more active as a couple, you find his eating habits infuriating and you're worried for his health.

When people say someone needs to hear home truths it just makes me feel uncomfortable - people know they’re fat. They don’t hear what you’re saying as anything helpful, quite the opposite.

I think people just hear that you think they’re a bit stupid and lazy and don’t know what’s good for them. It just makes people ashamed of themselves. But maybe that’s what people think works? A bit of shame?

When people say someone needs to hear home truths it just makes me feel uncomfortable - people know they’re fat

OP's husband know's he's fat - that's not the home truth he needs to hear. The conversation is about how OP feels - that his weight is killing their sex life and making her unhappy in their relationship, as well as the fact that she feels hurt and let down by the fact that they both made a commitment to change, and he hasn't stuck to it.

It's not about her slamming him for being fat and lacking self control. It's about her telling him how his behaviour makes her feel.