First relationship after separation from 20 years with DH

[Itsallsonew]

So with the support of the wonderful Mns community i managed to leave my unhappy marriage in January move into a new home with my DC and it was all great, so much better than i expected and i was coping so well and so were the kids. In feb i went to a friends birthday party and met a mutual friend of theirs. He was lovely, kind hard working, handsome intelligent honest good cook and fun! however the day after i met him he told me he was in a casual relationship with someone and would feel bad dating 2 women so would I like to be just friends. I considered this and thought why not he seemed cool. anyway one week later she ends it with him, and we were getting on great and ended up discussing maybe seeing each other but it was again meant to be casual, partly because he knew i was fresh out of a 21 year relationship (16 married) and he had reasons for not wanting anything heavy either. so we casually dated not much face to face owing to lockdown. but after we were able to see more of each other we were really getting on it was so much fun. he made me feel so happy BUT i had this feeling he still cared for the other one and it made me very paranoid but he assured me he didn't whilst always asking me if i was OK and if this arrangement would hurt me. then we booked a weekend away, 2 nights later the ex announced she had feelings for him all along, he said he realised he felt the same. told me immediately and asked if we could go back to just friends. this happened feb to this week. I feel a bit crushed. I knew it in my heart all along but he was the first person i connected with since my marriage and he made me feel so good, the sex was better then any i can remember and he was kind to me. I would like to be friends, he says we can hang out go to dinner etc, but in reality am i just setting my self up for more heart ache? He is going to check she is ok with it too. he is such a great man it seems a shame to cut him out of my life because we had sex. I am seeking counselling because i realise i have major confidence issues from my marriage because he constantly had to tell me to stop putting myself down, he said it was upsetting to hear me do it so much but its very hard after years of not being wanted to think someone really does. I am feeling very low atm and maybe like it has set me back and i don't know what to do. I dont want to lose him but i don't want to be hurt more. also she lives in another country so he cant see her till lockdown is fully lifted

It sounds like this guy wants the best of both worlds. If he's committed to making a go of it with the other woman then I'd personally step back. If it was you he chose, would you be happy with him 'hanging out and having dinner' with another woman? Especially one he recently dated and had sex with?

It's still really early days for you. Maybe spend some time being single and building your confidence up a bit before you rush back into the dating scene. You need to learn to love yourself before you can love another.

It sounds like this guy wants the best of both worlds. If he's committed to making a go of it with the other woman then I'd personally step back. If it was you he chose, would you be happy with him 'hanging out and having dinner' with another woman? Especially one he recently dated and had sex with?

It's still really early days for you. Maybe spend some time being single and building your confidence up a bit before you rush back into the dating scene. You need to learn to love yourself before you can love another.

Sorry, was having trouble posting and then it went and posted twice!

I think you need to process your grief from marriage ending and deal with the self esteem issues. If you stay involved with this man you will not be able to move on properly.

It seems as if he is a crutch for you but you need to be comfortable being alone first. A new romance masks underlying feelings but they will always rise to the top. It isn't his job to build up your confidence, that isn't meant to sound harsh but the best relationships are where 2 people are self confident and don't need another person on their life.

If you become dependent on this man you will miss red flags. Take time to be alone, get the divorce completed and then take stock of where you are.

@Techway its true it isn't his responsibility to build my confidence you are right that why I am trying to sort counselling. I also lost 3 family members in 3 years and i think i am more of a mess than i realised @Carandi and your right i wouldn't like it and i said that to him and said he needs to put her feelings first. He is going to ask her thinks she will be ok but i am not convinced i am just waiting for the second kick in the teeth when he says he cant have anything to do with me. and i know its fair and right for them but i do feel pretty devastated. He was the first person to really be nice to me in a long time and I will miss him.

You could consider the experience was a way to show you what you need to focus on.

I.e he was nice to me = I haven't been around people who are kind. This will help you look at your life and find people who are kind.

Does that make sense? Accept it was fate or 'universe' that is signposting what you need.
Being alone will make you feel more resilient and it builds confidence. I now do things that I am proud of and I have also learned who I am. A long term relationships, especially a poor one, depletes your sense of self. Build strong roots first and then no man can knock you over.

I agree with everything Techway has said. This is v good advice that I read on here a while back and applied myself - I had had a couple of crushes on other men and was told to look at what qualities they had that could have been missing from my marriage, it was very very revealing and helped me to understand what was important to me and what I wanted from my relationship. I think over a long marriage we can lose ourselves a bit, especially if there are any elements of control/abuse.

I'd give yourself a bit more time to process the end of your marriage tbh and to think about what you want from life generally before jumping in with this bloke.

The response is "No" that is not how feelings work switch on or off at his whim. You walk away and consider your duck broken. He sounds indecisive and a bit of a knob wanting his cake and eat it - almost manipulative to get what he wants.

Just WALK AWAY you at risk of losing all self respect

He prefers another woman to you, he ended your whatever it was to go back to her. Don't accept the consolation prize of his friendship. Text and say that you think a clean break is for the best.

@DopamineHits wow that felt harsh. but true, he didnt have much time to get to know me and there is a lot of history with them. We were only ever meant to be friends and i feel sad I cant even have that. but i expect you are right

I think that is lovely that you have experienced a relationship that you have enjoyed and now you know what you can achieve. Put it down to experience. But no I would not stay friends . I think he would just keep you hanging there in case things go wrong again even if it was on a subconscious level .

@DopamineHits is right.
I think I agree, you need time to find yourself and sort yourself out.