Really dont know what to do now, fallen out of love

[temmy99]

Its been six weeks now since me and hubby spoke a word to each other. We have been together for 24 years married for 15. In the last few years, things that I have been putting up with has really started to annoy me, (menopause, maybe?). Nothing really major, just bad habits like leaving the bedroom TV on while he sleeps ( keeps me awake or wakes me sometimes), or leaving his laptop, remote and phones on my side of the bed every night.

It has also dawned on me, that we hardly have anything in common. He can spend hours talking to friends or family on the phone but we never sit down to talk about anything. This has always been the case but I have always occupied myself with the dcs so I havent really thought about it until lately.

Our holidays have always been me and the kids as our type of holiday is not to his taste, (Haven, amusement parks)

I dont have friends except one who he clearly doesnt like but we have known each other for almost 30 years so I arrange to meet her sometimes away from the house.

Last year, I told him that I wanted to go away for a few days and he gave some silly reasons why I shouldnt go to which i ignored him by not talking to him. The next thing he did was give me an ultimatum to leave 'his' house if I wanted to do what I want!

My family waded in and I ended up having to apologise to him to keep the peace but since then and even before i just feel resentment.

Most recently, while i was away abroad visiting my elderly parents, he bought another car, not sure what he did with the old car but he purposely didnt tell me, its not unusual for him not to tell me things, even if a friend is visiting, the first I will know of it is when they are at the door and i just play host with what is at hand.

Anyway, I didnt tell him when I was due to arrive from abroad, just got my son to pick me from the airport. On arriving home, he just thanked me for being the mother to his children and said he doesnt think we can continue to have a relationship. We havent spoken to each other since then (6 weeks now)

I have been a SAHM for the past 10 years having moved to a rural area and given up the commute to work in London.

We are still sleeping in the same room but i stay up late so I dont have to turn in while he is still awake and if he is still awake or gets up early, he leaves the room to go to the living room.

I feel that he is trying to frustrate me so that I will just get fed up and just leave. The house is in his name and he brought the house after we got together. He pays the mortgage and bills, while I did the shopping for the house and anything the children may need while I was working. I still do some of the shopping now from the benefits we get.

I feel I am stuck in a rut in this marriage and I want out. I dont feel anything for my hubby and I have explained this to my older DCs (in their twenties). They have said what ever makes me happy and that they fully understand (having witnessed me sitting alone time without numbers while their dad sits on the phone)

I really dont know how i should proceed from here as I dont have any savings and really wouldnt want to burden my family who dont think i should leave hubby, but the truth is i have had enough and just want out.

sorry for the long ramble. I feel better for letting it out of my system. Any advice will be appreciated

What was your previous job? Can you look for work?
Why don't your family want you to leave him?

I think you need to work and move out. You should be entitled to money from the house as well.

If your kids are in their 20's it's a good time to start your life again.

Your family (your children) support you. Living apart together sounds easy as it's how you live anyway. Could you move to a spare room?
What's the financial situation wrt mortgage, pensions, savings? You are entitled to half everything (starting point) so the house might need to be sold to share out money fairly. A solicitor is your first step. I know people who used online companies like coop that were fairly cheap.
Once you separate, even if in same house, you can claim benefits as a single person. I don't know if that might be helpful? You would need to look for work but that's a good idea anyway

Yes get legal advice first, that's very important. You definitely need out of this awful marriage, ignore your family, there's no point living a miserable existence. Do not let him bully you into thinking you deserve less than half. Agree to separate and Ask him to move out. Good luck

To me is amazing that in the last 10 years you didn't contribute at all to the family income and you are so reliant on him financially. Did you have kids in succession? Could it be that he has some resentment as well for being the only one who bears the burden? Don't want to play the devil's advocate here, just a look from outside. If you split even with money from house you will be unable to sustain your lifestyle without a job. Work towards this first then you might find that having a social circle away from him will soften your feelings towards him as you will have something else to focus on. Not involving you in decisions is disrespectful but again if he was a woman who said i brought a car but I am the only one working she will be told you have all right as is your money and your husband is a cocklodger. Inviting people over without telling you is not on though. As I said having a job will give you a purpose, something else to focus on and may and you will pick your battles, me and my husvand have so little time together as we don t waste what we have with squabbles. Dishes not done? F.ck the dishes, they will be done when they're done, that's it! Find a job or work towards getting one this is your first step towards independence.

Thank you everyone, this is just what i need. some perspective.

@Josette77 I used to work in the civil service but when we moved away from London. It was a 3 hour round trip commute and hubby still expected me to drop the kids at nursery/school and pick up even though he was working locally (had his own business). I was paying much more for transport and had to reduce my working hours, it was very stressful to continue.

@TheLegendOfZelda. Everything is in his name, I dont know what he has in his account or pensions and I wouldnt have known what he earns if not for tax purposes. (He no longer has his business, so now working as an employee)

@pinacoladalover I have been looking for work since my youngest started Secondary school (4 years ago) Hubby insisted that I continue to pick ds up from school rather than allow him come home by himself (up till Year 6) while in Primary school so this restricted the hours I was available for. I took up a xmas job a few years ago and the last bus stop was a 45 mins walk back home or if i took the train which was more expensive, it was a 20 mins walk home at night. He never offered to pick me up from either station. On getting home, I would then tidy up and cook getting to bed around 2am sometimes. I am still doing most of the food shopping for the house and buying stuff for the younger dc. The one thing they are missing out on is holidays as I cant afford it and he sees it as a waste of money. I am good with figures and I do voluntary work regularly. I dont resent him buying a car, it is his money but its the not telling me. For my own sanity, I really need a job I know that but I have not been able to get one so far

Ok. First thing to do is book a solicitor appointment for advice. It doesn’t matter that the house is in his name. It’s a joint marital asset and the courts look to see that in a long marriage that both parties are equitable. That means one person doesn’t end up with a much better standard of living than the other. So go get advice. Now you are separated look at what single person benefits you can get. Can you move to a different room and make it into your bedroom? Study? Make your own room. Contact the local job centre/citizens advice as to what money you can claim. The starting point is to find out what your rights are

How old are you OP?

Thank you @needhandhold, I am 53 years old. There are no spare rooms, my sanctuary is the kitchen where everyone leaves me to it

Get advice from a solicitor. Then you know what you're entitled to. I imagine a portion of his earnings -spousal maintenance for a start. Then there's the house and his pension to sort. He wants you to leave without fuss because he has an inkling what you are entitled to.

Yes see a solicitor. I'd seriously be considering filing for divorce immediately and sorting out the house as part of that. If you leave you will be worse off, also he sounds like the type to hide money.
Have a look round when he's out, see if you can find bank statements etc.
He sounds awful

I know that ultimately, we will have to divorce but I dont want to be the one to initiate it due to the cost. One of the DC is due to go to Uni next year while my youngest is currently in Y9 so still a way to go yet. I will seek legal advice on the way forward from here as regards to the house. Thank you everyone, I feel so much better now.

First of all @temmy99
I agree, see a solicitor. Citizens Advice may provide you with a list otherwise try solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/ or see if your close friend can recommend one to discuss the divorce process.

Check what benefits you'd be entitled to if/when you left. www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk

Do not tell your husband, or anyone else you don't explicitly trust, that you are doing this. Your husband may very well try to hide funds/assets once he's aware of what you are planning or otherwise make things difficult for you.

Are you left alone in the house for any length of time? If so try and access potential financial information he has (eg bank statements, savings and pension information, etc and copy/photograph them on your phone) as you may need that for any financial settlement.

Check on housing sites (eg Rightmove or Zoopla) to see what similar houses in your area as your home would be worth. Ie: go to the solicitor with a good idea of the outcome you'd like and the relevant information.

Remember to clear your browsing history after each session or use the Private/Incognito browsing option if you can as that shouldn't save your searches. Make a new private, passworded email account to try and maintain privacy whilst you are making these enquiries. Put a pincode on your smartphone.

If you can find a part time job as well that will help but I know that can be hard.

He clearly doesn't see you as an equal OP. I hope things can improve for you so you have a better future. 🌹

My solicitor didn't charge for legal costs until the house sold which helped. Maybe worth finding one that would do that for you?

Thank you @Happynow001 I will look at the links and take it from there.

Thank you @QuentinWinters that is very helpful.

Will we really have to sell the house? I wouldnt want to uproot the children now. maybe once youngest is at Uni but I guess I will have to see what the solicitor says. Thank you all, I really appreciate the advice.

@temmy99

Were you hoping to keep the house for yourself and the kids and then your husband move out? I expect he wouldn't happy with that.

temmy it probably depends on the overall financial picture, what will happen with childcare etc.
You obviously aren't going to be able to buy DH out but if he has a big pension and you have the kids it may be worth his while to move out and leave you with the house as part of the settlement. Also depends how big the mortgage is and how you are going to pay it.

oh not at all @Butterfly3105 I wasnt thinking of this at all. I am thinking of moving out but as PP have said that I may lose out if I do that I am prepared to stay in my own space till things are sorted. I was looking at it from the point of the DC's schooling as I would be looking at moving out of the area completely for a better chance of getting a job in a city compared to where we currently are.