How does it feel if you love your DH?

[Earlgrey19]

After a number of hard years with difficult behaviour from DH (his stress turning to anger with me, and him never letting me express anything I’m finding difficult about him) and lots of previous conflict, I’m not sure if I love him anymore. The confusing thing is he feels lockdown has given him perspective and he can finally see that he wants to change. I should be glad but not feeling it. Feel I may not love him anymore. Now that he’s calmer I can feel comfortable and familiar with him, and I care about him, but there are some aspects of him I dislike. He’s not my favourite person to talk to (prefer friends), and I’m not usually especially glad to see him, though now he’s calmer it’s ok being around him. Feel depressed at the thought of it being the relationship for the rest of my life, but is this just what it’s like after being married 10 years with 2 young DC?

I think the reality of marriage is that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows every day but for me if the good days outweigh the bad then you must be doing something right. We are together 9 years (married for 4) and have 2 DC at 5 and 15 months. Our lives are busy, stressful and full on. Yes I love him but at times he irritates me immensely as I'm sure I do him. We talk about lots of things but I also love talking to my friends and do so a lot!

Sounds like you are in a bad place in your marriage, I suppose the question is do you want to try to work through things or is it beyond repair? Only you know the answer.

He's my best friend.

I respect him and think he is pretty cool. He is brave in trying to face up to things and improve himself.

I fancy him and often feel would like to eat him alive and that I would like him to grab me and do it to me (ah hum, sorry tmi)

He annoys me sometimes though. He can be difficult at times if he is anxious. Generally we have been fine at home together in lockdown but he is back at work two days now and that bit of space feels good.

He also struggles with some things (like I do). Eg making sure he stays present in the family and spends time with the kids rather than getting lost in our DIY projects. I accept now that he needs support with these and encouragement with these rather than rage. He does the same for me with the things I struggle with.

I've been with my partner for 9 years. Our love is blissfully dull.

I recently listened to Dr Brene Brown's definition of trust and it's our relationship to a tee:

He respects my boundaries
He is reliable
He is accountable for his actions, takes responsibility and makes amends. He holds me accountable to my own actions.
He holds things in confidence.
He acts with integrity
He is non-judgemental
He is generous when I get things wrong, gives me the benefit of doubt, doesn't assume the worst of me

It feels like home. Safe, secure, calm, content.

I like him and I respect him. He’s kind and generous and I trust him. He’s interesting - I want to know what he thinks about things.

I also still fancy the pants off him.

OP It's understandable that you don't feel madly In Love, with him, you've had to put up with this.......

After a number of hard years with difficult behaviour from DH (his stress turning to anger with me, and him never letting me express anything I’m finding difficult about him) and lots of previous conflict

If you want to give him a chance, you will need to see how your feeling develop and he must prove he won't go back to his old ways. Set a time limit, it may be 6 months or a year, and if he has gone back to his old ways, OR if your feelings have not changed, then leave.

Good luck x

OP I am the same as you.

There was a time when I couldn’t imagine a life without my husband but now, I don’t think I love him, care for him yes, but love?

30 years we have been married and I think what’s changed it for me is when I think back to some things he used to say to me, when he told me he had a thing for my friend, when he had an affair, when he completely stonewalled me for days for no reason whatsoever. For when I used to ask him to take the kids for a little while when They were babies to give me a break and he would say to them “your mummy doesn’t want you”....of course the kids were too young to understand but it should never have been said. For when he punched holes through the walls or punched out a window.

He’s a changed man now, doesn’t do any of those things And would give me the world, but it’s too late, the damage is done.

I tried to leave when I was much younger but my mum and dad wouldn’t let me live with them, told me I had to stay with my husband and do whatever I had to to keep the peace, my dad said it must be my fault (my husband was the son he never had, completely adored him even though I told him what he was like, think my dad loved my husband more than he loved me as one of my sisters was with an abusive husband and he helped her get away, my mum said it was he wasn’t my like my husband when I questioned the help she got).

The only saving grace I have is my husband works away now and is only home every couple of weeks, and it’s bliss. I dread the day when he retires but I’m slowly putting money by for myself in the hope I can leave.

Wow. These stories are so lovely, and obviously this is how love should be. So it makes me really sad that I feel the opposite in almost every aspect. You're all so lucky to feel the way you do about your partners x

I think the "two young dc" part will be very influential in how you feel about a partner. I really feel my contentment with dh coming back now the children are not so dependent on us (still kids, but not at the needing to be with us me every second stage). With more time alone I appreciate being with him more. And we are surviving lock down with fewer rows than normal which makes me think the stress of work contributes normally. I love him very much, though neither of us say it often - been together 20 years.
If your dh is serious about change OP why not let him try - it's not an easy time to be moving out anyway - but put a note in your phone calendar to review how you feel in 6 months/a year rather than just letting it drift.

@moomoomummy

Then we are both very lucky I think

This has been a lovely post to read, I'm so glad there are happy marriages on munsnet.

Only 4 years in here but the first couple of years were really hard on our relationship. It made us stronger though.
He’s my best friend, my favourite adult and my safe place. There isn’t anyone I’d rather spend time with. I miss him when he’s working, still get butterflies/excited to see him. Fancy him loads. Can’t imagine my life without him and I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling this way before him.

He is my favourite person. That's all, really. Together 18 years now.

I’ve been with my DP 8 years and he’s still my favourite person to spend time with. Of course it’s not always plain sailing, especially as we both have DCs from previous relationships, but he still makes me melt when he looks at me and I go weak at the knees when he kisses me.

Maybe things have gone beyond repair for you, or maybe once you start to see a different side to him you’ll feel differently towards him, but you don’t need to accept an unloving or distant relationship from your partner. The early years with DCs are tricky but without any affection there they will be doubly hard.

KitKat I’m glad you have a plan. You only get one life. You deserve to be happy.

My fiance is my best friend, we spend all our spare time together and we live it. The love I feel for him I have never felt in my life ever. I certainly felt nothing of the kind with my exes, not even close. I look at him and feel such intense love. He is loving, caring, kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, understanding, funny, extremely sexy and gorgeous. He to me is just awesome.

Just to add OP, I’ve also been in a relationship like yours. It was horrible and I couldn’t believe my luck to feel the way I do now about my DP.

Good luck

Married 51 years in October, had ups and downs like most couples. But we make each other laugh, share the same view on most things. He is just my absolute rock. Now we are heading into our latter years, the one thing that scares me is losing him.

When I was married to exdh I could have written your post. I'm sorry OP. I really am , it can be a rotten feeling because deep down you know if you are asking you already have the answer.

Exdh wasnt a nasty man or abusive but by then end it had become truly toxic because we both ignored the fact that we just felt Meh about each other. There had been stuff that led to it but it ultimately came down to meh. He was fine , we didn't seek each others company, granted we also didn't row , we just existed. Some things he had done in relation to his family when ds1 was born just eventually killed my love for him.

Dp now , whole different ball game. Even in days where I could cheerfully build a patio for him I still seek his company out. We have healthy time apart but if I'm honest he is my best friend and I look at him and feel actual love. I would love to say I always want to jump his bones but in all honesty with two DC of 7 and 4 I'm often shattered , but I always feel that swell of love. Sometimes smaller sometimes bigger.

Hes always at the back of my mind as I am with him. If he sees something I would like (I have an unnatural attachment to pecans for example) he will pick it up. If I see a fray bentos chicken pie (I know I know but it makes his little heart happy God help him) in the pound shop I'll leave it on his desk.

The love can feel small on days where the DC are going nuts and he hasn't filled the dishwasher and is doing that thing where he leaves cupboard doors open but it hasn't ever disappeared, with exdh I realised I could no longer even be bothered to muster it up let alone it come naturally .

I'm sorry OP

@Shinyletsbebadguys love your post Such honesty and empathy. Glad you are happy now

Wow you ladies are honestly so blessed to be in such lovely relationships where respect and compassion are a priority. I am in a complete opposite relationship.

@copingally well OP not been back since her OP a few days ago so wondering how she's getting on listening to all these happy stories?

It feels very blessed! We've been together for 14 years and are currently expecting our first baby. We're both working from home at the minute and I love waking up and knowing that we are going to get to have breakfast, lunch and tea breaks together. I've not found only having one person for company draining over the past few months, far from it. We were close before, but spending all this extra time together has bought us closer together.
He's such a gentleman and really looks after me and at a time when I'm starting to feel self conscious about my growing body, he is full of compliments. Currently my main pregnancy symptom is tiredness so my DH wakes me each day with a cup of tea and we have those few precious moments having a drink in bed together before our busy days start. It's cheesy but he is my best friend and would be the first person I would turn to if I was struggling with something. Very lucky!

Awww I would love the relationships you describe here. Reminds me of my own parents. My ex was a scumball and still continues to be. Never once did I feel the things you all describe, I always felt uneasy around him. Thankfully he is an ex but we have children together.

I'm staying single til I've picked up the pieces of my life and can love myself like I should. I'm far from that yet. Only when I feel whole again will I try dating again. I really really hope to find the kind of relationships you all seem to have. It is beautiful to read and gives me hope.

It's nice to read posts about love, and happy relationships, but it just brings home the fact that my relationship is not like that. In a way, all those posts above just feel like fiction, to me. I guess I just don't really believe it's possible. Or maybe, it's just not possible for me.