Experience with abusers , can you help me

[GinasHome]

Main focus on verbal abuse.

Once you left him/her, how did they act?
Did they acknowledge there abuse and say how they would change?

They never acknowledged it properly and if they did say they were sorry for something it was always followed with ‘but you made me so frustrated’ ect..

They used to phone me crying and begging to come back - which I did a few times untill I realised they were never going to change and actually I’d changed so much because I was starting to accept his behaviour.

It took me having to block him, change my email and phone number and to call the police because he would not leave me alone.

Just to add
I want to try understand ex who I have just left. I'm very confused by his behaviour.

What is his behaviour? Can you give a bit more information OP?

@EveleftEden

• Was your experience verbal abuse?

* if they did say they were sorry for something it was always followed with ‘but you made me so frustrated’ ect.. *

• My ex did this while we were together.

They used to phone me crying and begging to come back - which I did a few times untill I realised they were never going to change and actually I’d changed so much because I was starting to accept his behaviour

• When he was crying and begging you, did he acknowledge his abuse and explain in detail ways he was going to change?

(My ex has done this) I am aware that words mean nothing so I'm trying to stay strong.

@1235kbm
What is his behaviour?

• During relationships, I experienced similar to *@EveleftEden comment. "I'm sorry I shouted and called you X , Y , Z * but you made me angry"

Threats to leave and walking off during arguments. Now I understand that there is never an excuse to name call.

• When I first left, he was angry and said "it takes two, we both are to blame"

However, weeks on, I have received a message with lots of details in. The main points are

1. He was wrong and I was never to blame
2. Outlining his abuse and what he did wrong
3. Ways he wants to fix himself
4. Hopeful that I will come back.

Ok, so your post here is to ask whether abusers change and if you should go back to him? Can you believe his message?

Is that what you're asking?

This is the aspect of an abuser known as The Persuader. They will always do it. They'll promise the moon. Then they usually do it all all over again.

@1235kbm
@NoMoreDickheads

I'd like to know if anyone has gone through similar to this.
Also help me explain what / why he's doing this.

Abusers don't change OP. The relationship is over and you are just wasting time and energy thinking about this. What is the point in trying to work out why he's doing what he's doing?

You've given no examples of how he is abusive to you so it's very difficult to give you anything but a general response.

Yes, lots of people have had abusive relationships OP.

Abusers tend to go one of two ways when the relationship has finished, they get very angry and vengeful or they beg, plead and cry for a second chance. They promise to make big changes and to do anything that will get them back where they are happiest; in a position of power and dominance.

Emotional abuse erodes your self esteem and makes you feel worthless. Abusers also tend to isolate you as well, keeping you away from a support system so you have no other voice but theirs. It all works to keep you powerless and reliant on them.

Should you go back to an abuser? No.
Will he change? He had plenty of opportunities to change during the relationship so what does that tell you?
Will counselling help? No. Abusers need therapy, not counselling and it rarely helps. They tend to promise to do therapy in order to manipulate you. Abusers are very manipulative.

My advice if you don't have children is to block him and move on.

My examples of abuse are him: losing him temper, name calling, shouting and threatening to leave in arguments.

Is that not abuse?

It's all a learning process, I'm trying to understand.

And I've given you a lot of information above in order to help you understand.

You're welcome, btw.

*However, weeks on, I have received a message with lots of details in. The main points are

1. He was wrong and I was never to blame
2. Outlining his abuse and what he did wrong
3. Ways he wants to fix himself
4. Hopeful that I will come back.*

Thats the level of insight I'd expect someone to reach after months of therapy. Its very odd that he was able to send it weeks after you split.
Its so soon that I dont think I'd be able to trust that its genuine.

@GinasHome

My examples of abuse are him: losing him temper, name calling, shouting and threatening to leave in arguments.

Is that not abuse?

It's all a learning process, I'm trying to understand.

What you’ve listed I’d say were abusive.

However try not fixate - is this or abuse or not? What ever was happening I’m sure it made you upset, fearful, hurt maybe scared ect.. and these are all good enough reasons to end a relationship.

It’s common for them to see the error of their ways weeks down the line and they probably do, at that moment mean it but weeks and months later it all gets forgotten about when your back and it starts up again.

People can do things for all manner of reasons - shit up bringing, father left, mother left, some one in the past cheated on them .. ect..

But that is never ever an excuse to treat some one else bad. Ever.

If this guy is really serious about changing I’d suggest he seeks counselling for his own benefit and not just to get you back.

I wouldn’t go back to him either. The damage has been done. There are plenty of people out their that don’t treat other people this way.

Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft? (There's a free pdf version if you google). It talks about this in there - one case that springs to mind is a bloke who acted as though he was very sorry and regretful, made promises to change, appeared to show great insight into what he had done wrong but then as soon as his ex didn't play ball (by taking him back), he lost it again and it was clear he was simply 'talking the talk' to get what he wanted. I recommend giving it a read.

Link to the Lundy book www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Its hoovering. There are a million and one hoovering techniques. If one approach(eg: nasty) doesnt work then they try another (eg: nice) for a bit.

Melanie tonia Evans does a good video on YouTube on 9 types of narcissistic hoovering.

@KatnissK

Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft? (There's a free pdf version if you google). It talks about this in there - one case that springs to mind is a bloke who acted as though he was very sorry and regretful, made promises to change, appeared to show great insight into what he had done wrong but then as soon as his ex didn't play ball (by taking him back), he lost it again and it was clear he was simply 'talking the talk' to get what he wanted. I recommend giving it a read.

Thanks everyone.

Yeah I read that book, it's brilliant!

I love the bit where it says that men do have control of their anger. It's a choice they make!

So does anyone have any personal experience with verbal abuse?

Even if someone does have experience with verbal abuse I'm not sure what it will add to your situation, because it does not mean that your ex is like the person they had experience with.

I've never known an abuser to change. Not genuinely change. I've seen a guy on YouTube who makes the odd video for other abusers, after he says he's changed. He's done it over about 10-20 years though (I can't remember his name so can't check or link).

Abuse is caused by nature, nurture or a combination of both. None of those options are root causes that can be changed in a matter of months. So great that your ex has learnt the terms, but there's no way he can have changed his personality in that short a time,

Bottom line is though, you're asking, repeatedly here. You're looking for someone to tell you they got back together with an abuser who had seen the error of his ways in a matter of weeks and they lived happily ever after. If you weren't seeking that, secretly (or not so secretly) wanting that, you'd be focusing on getting on with building a good life without him.

You don't need anybody's permission to reunite with an abuser who has read some self-help books or sites.

There's lots of good advice here. Trust your gut. I'd suggest your gut is the party that made you write here in the first place and not just reunite asap with him.

@Howlat
I don't want him back, I'm a bit scared. I wanted to know if others had their ex's did similar things to get them back or they left them alone.
I'm worried he will never let me be.

He says his life will never be complete unless he has me. That statement worried me.

[quote GinasHome]@Howlat
I don't want him back, I'm a bit scared. I wanted to know if others had their ex's did similar things to get them back or they left them alone.
I'm worried he will never let me be.

He says his life will never be complete unless he has me. That statement worried me. [/quote]
If your worried I’d really recommend you call the non urgent police line. They can give you advice. Thos is taken quiet seriously now

Gina it doesn't mean he's a going to do anything necessarily. The fact that he's got you worried though is the aim.

However, trust your gut. If you're worried he's going to do something to himself imminently, you can call the police and request a wellness check I think. If you're worried he's going to harm you then I'd also call the non urgent police line to discuss.

If your gut isn't telling you one of those two things then I'd ignore him. Can you block him?

Have you read the Patricia Evans books OP? There's 2 which are pretty good - one specifically on verbal abuse, but the other on abuse more generally.

My experience is that they always say they are going to change. offering (or even going) to counselling, blaming it on depression, stress or a midlife crisis (or a pyscho ex). But real change? It's pretty unlikely really. An abuser will say what they need to. They are masters at manipulation, tears, and promises, and because you want to believe them, because you love them, you choose to believe them. They are also masters at manipulating counsellors.

Any real change takes years and years and years because of all the patterns of behaviour and beliefs that need changing. I would say that in this case, go away and live your life for a few years, don't hang around waiting for change because the chances are just so slim.

and of course he's aware of what he did that's abusive. That's not insight! Of course he knows that it's not ok to shout at you, to call you names, to stonewall you. He knew that when he did it as well. Saying that he knows it is abuse isn't new news! It's just a way to get you to listen to him.